Manipulation by Flattery
We all like to get sincere compliments. But false flattery in the workplace or in our personal lives is annoying and off-putting… and is a very sneaky and common social weapon that those seeking advantage use to manipulate us into actions or behaviors that may not be in our own best interests.
A Very Common Social Weapon
This kind of insincere flattery can take many forms… from clumsy and overt… to more skillful ploys by those with more subtle manipulation skills. An example of an overt and clumsy flattery attack might be the female co-worker who openly flirts with the shy male associate, followed quickly by a weekend invitation to her home to help lift heavy boxes. A more subtle approach could be from the hiring manager who effusively compliments a potential new employee’s resumé and skill set as a way to convince the target of the flattery to come and work at her firm for less money than the guy had originally stated as his expected salary.
False Flattery in Action
We can all be seduced by praise and may find ourselves letting our guard down, at which point we become less aware that we are actually being set up to be had by the one seeking advantage with the false flattery. However, by understanding how others can use flattery as a social weapon, we are in a better position to keep our wits about us and not allow ourselves to be sucked into being manipulated. We can politely accept the compliment, then turn the interaction back to meeting our original objective. If the one offering the flattery is not interested in getting back on track with the task at hand, then one will know for certain that there was a game in play to seek advantage. This gives the recipient of the false flattery the power to subtly stop the attempted manipulation with no further harm.?
In the case situation outlined above… where the co-worker was flirting with the associate (followed by the request to lift heavy boxes at her home)… one social weapon defense could have been for the guy to suggest getting together for coffee or lunch over the weekend instead of going to the co-worker’s home. Sadly, the guy will most likely see just how fast the false flirting dries up and how quickly the co-worker would most likely find herself busy with other weekend obligations. But, on the good side of things, this guy would not be wasting his weekend doing heavy lifting mover chores based on fake flattery and the vague hint of future social rewards. ?
With our guy in the job interview situation, his defense could be to graciously thank the hiring manager for all of her compliments, agree with the compliments, then re-state that his minimum salary needs are exactly that, his minimum needs. If the hiring manager’s flattery was sincere, then a real job negotiation will begin. If the hiring manager was using the social weapon of false flattery to gain advantage, then the job offer interview was most likely not going in a positive direction in any case and the fake game would end.
Eyes Wide Open to this Manipulation Game
Of all the social weapons used on us at work and in our personal lives, flattery is one of the toughest to spot because, one, we are inclined to believe kind things others say about us and, two, the one giving the compliment will feel insulated ?and protected from any future blowback (after all, she was just telling you how much she admired your new suit or liked you new beard or was impressed by your confidence). Keep clearly in mind- Anyone can offer flattery and anyone can ask for a favor… but only you can set the parameters of the relationship and, in effect, say ‘no’.?
In going through life, it is especially important to have one’s eyes wide open in new situations, unexpected situations and situations where a possible negotiation is about to happen or is happening. Although these are not the only times the flattery social weapon might be used, these will be the times to be especially vigilant. The more vigilant, the sooner one can spot the game… the faster one can see the manipulation for its purpose… and the faster once can subtly defuse the situation and deflect being used.?
If the flattery comes from out of the blue or is something that you yourself find inappropriate or not believable, you should immediately ring your internal alarm bell. If an unexpected compliment comes, followed shortly by a request for your time, effort, skill, money or possessions… put up your protection shield and begin to defuse.
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How to Defuse False Flattery
How does one defuse? First of all, keep in mind that your objective is to not get manipulated into doing anything that you do not want to do. You also want to avoid any awkward friction, such as could come up if you called out the other person for their false flattery and attempted manipulation. One possible approach- Respond to the false flattery by simply saying ‘Thank you very much for your kind words.’ When the manipulation request is made (either in the same conversation or later) just offer a very clear and firm explanation of the limits you’ve put on the relationship.?
“I know that lifting heavy boxes is a real hassle, but my weekends are already scheduled with friends and family.” Or… “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your report project, but I am totally swamped with my own work and not in a position to help.” Or… “I wish I was rich, but I just don’t have extra money for anyone.” The key is to first thank the one seeking advantage for their compliment, without any hint of confirmation that you see their real game. Then clearly state your relationship parameters.?This approach, in effect, is firmly saying ‘no’ to the attempt at manipulation.??
Building Stronger Honest Relationships
As we move through life we all use social weapons to help move things along. The real challenge is to begin to understand how to spot and stop those using social weapons to manipulate us and others. By learning to spot the game in play… meaning, the social weapon being used… we can avoid being manipulated by others and find ways to defuse conflicts in the simplest and least disruptive way possible. Once one knows how to spot the social weapon… and, even better, how to stop its use… the smoother both business and personal life relationships can proceed in the most positive and productive direction for all concerned.?
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These are tips from Christopher Storey’s new book ‘Social Weapons’ available at?Amazon.com. To contact Christopher Storey, please call the Oak Tree Media Group main office in New York at (212) 465-2560. Special low cost bulk sales pricing available for educational institutions and business organizations. Web Site, go to-
Christopher Storey is one of America’s top personal relationship experts, working as an organizational development specialist, clinical behavioral therapist, teacher, counselor and social worker. His work in the behavioral sciences spans forty years with educational institutions, organizations, medical professionals and companies of all sizes. Christopher Storey helps people defuse and minimize conflict and increase productivity by helping both management and staff identify and defend?against social weapons in the workplace.?
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