On Managing Your Psychology

Early on, in school or when I just started my career, I was convinced that the only things that mattered for success were how smart you were and how hard you worked. Later, when I became a manager, I started paying attention to psychology. I realized that being a good manager without understanding people and their psychology was impossible. But only later, much later, it occurred to me that the hardest thing is actually managing your own psychology. I get a lot of questions directly or indirectly about this, so this is what I want to write about.

I'll give a bunch of examples of managing one's psychology, and in many cases I'll talk about myself. But my bigger point is NOT going to be: "this is what I do, do like me" - it's almost the opposite. My bigger point is: We are all different in how we respond to different situations. Be aware of your psychology and how it affects you. Be aware of how you can manage it. Be honest with yourself about it. Do what works for you. Ok, let's get started.

Motivation

Let's start with motivation. There is no one "right" motivation. Some people are motivated by saving the world - great. Some - by solving touch technical problems. Some by money - there is nothing inherently wrong with that. Some just want a stable job with work-life balance and decent pay - nothing wrong with that either.

The problems start if you lie to yourself as to what your really want in life. E.g., you are in the last category, but somehow you convince yourself that you have to join a small cool startup where everybody works extra hard. This is common in Silicon Valley - you are guaranteed to be miserable this way. Nobody can tell you what your motivation is - only you can figure it out via honest introspection.

Stress

Speaking of startups, you get a LOT of stress there. One day everything looks great: you've got a new customer, an investor, a great hire. Next day it's the opposite. You really need to learn how to manage your stress in a startup - and to be honest, wherever you work, you need to learn how to manage your ups and downs. You need to know how you respond to stress, and how to manage it. A few examples - stress is a big topic:

• I know that if something unpleasant happens, I may be upset for a day, but I'm usually much better the next morning. The night does something magical. So the day something negative happens, I give myself permission to be upset. I don't try to look happy. I don't berate myself "how come I am upset about this??" - I just let it be. The next day I always feel much better.
• Another example: I do sometimes respond to emails and messages later in the evening. A part of my org, my manager, and many of my partners are in the US, and I feel like it makes sense for me to be somewhat available. I don't mind it at all. BUT, I know that if I am on my phone till the very time I go to bed, I will be all stressed and won't have a good sleep. So I make a rule to be done with my messaging by 9 pm. Again, my advice is not "you stay on the phone till 9 pm". Maybe for you it's important to get off the phone by 6 pm. The advice is know yourself.
• Another examples on knowing what causes your stress.... One may notice I often eat lunch with just one other person, or even by myself. It's rare for me to eat lunch with a team - why is that? The truth is, I love 1-1s - I probably do them more than most other directors. And I love meeting teams. But as a confirmed introvert who spends most of his time in meetings, I need some time during the day for myself. Talking to a large team in a noisy environment adds to my stress, rather than reduce it.
• Also... figure out what helps you manage stress on an ongoing basis, every week. I love hiking - it helps me stay sane. I like taking a long lunch to go for a walk. I hate going to the gym - yet I like coming back from they gym. It reduces the amount of stress hormones in your body. Incidentally, I first heard about this when many moons ago I went to a meetup about launching a startup in Silicon Valley. The speaker spoke quite a bit about physical exercise - and I was not happy. I came here to learn how to build the next Microsoft, not get fitness advice, I thought! 25 years later I see the guy had a point.

Major Life Stressors

The above applies to "regular" stress - but every so often we encounter events that are more stressful. Death in the family. Major health issues. World events that affect us in a unique way. The key here is again, to know how these events affect you. Take time to deal with the issues. But do not be surprised if somebody else deals with the same issues differently. Somebody else may decide to show at work the next day - it does not mean you have to! Talk to others around you about what's happening and how it makes your feel. Don't just keep the stiff upper lip to be "professional".

Speaking of professionals - if you are dealing with really major stressors or mental health issues, please see a mental health professional. I hope I don't need to say that there is no shame in it!

Perseverance

This is another important area. Paul Graham famously said when asked what's the most important quality that determines which founders succeed: perseverance. Know your level of perseverance. If you have an unfinished degree from a fancy school, you may be smart, but you may have issues with perseverance (or maybe motivation). I am speaking from experience here. It's important to know your level of perseverance - and choose projects that are a good match to it. I personally would not start a company with a 15 year time line to success.

Also, you can think hard about what helps you stick with a project. For me, it's breaking a project down into smaller steps, and having a clear goal and deadline for each. This keeps me motivated, helps me not procrastinate, and ultimately helps me finish longer projects.

Anxiety

If Stress is response to existing adversity, Anxiety happens when you just anticipate something bad to happen. Let's imagine you hear that your company will have a 10% layoff - let's be honest, it happens these days. There are many ways to respond to it. Some people I know would be completely unfazed by it - whatever happens happens, why worry about if I can't change things? My wife is like this - it sometimes is hard for me to accept!

Other people would get a bit more worried. Maybe they'd check on LinkedIn that there are enough jobs in other companies. Others people would go into overdrive - they'd immediately start practicing Leetcode problems and send resumes out.

My point is not that one way of dealing with anxiety is better than others. We are all different. It's good to figure out what causes your anxiety, and how you can control it. For example, some people can calm themselves down by understanding that whatever happens, they and their families will be ok. For somebody else this is not enough - figure out what works for you.

Sense of Control

This is actually very important, especially when working for a large company. Frankly you don't have full control in a startup either, but in a large company you have a lot more people who tell you what to do. My favorite saying about control is known as the Serenity Prayer:

"Oh, God, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what can not be helped, and insight to know the one from the other."

It's a great saying. If I could say just one sentence on managing your psychology, I'd say just this. But...

Different people differ in how much control they need. It's important to match your situation to what's comfortable for you. If you are in a situation where you don't have enough control for too long, it'll be very hard for you. I can recommend to give strong upward feedback about this, and if things don't improve - change the org or the company.

Imposter Syndrome

Finally... I almost did not want to include Imposter Syndrome - it's such a common place. It is actually the first topic for manager training at Meta. But it's a very real feeling, and it can affect anyone, no matter how smart and senior. Again, know yourself. Know what triggers it. Best of all, talk to somebody about it. You will most likely see hear say "me too!"

All right, I feel this post is getting very long, yet I've barely started. I hope this is helpful - please let me know if you have any further questions or examples of managing your psychology.