How to manage your "Inner Child"

Every adult still has an inner child inside of them. This is the part of you that gets emotional and upset when things don't go your way, like a child that doesn't get what they want. Of course, some of us are much better at controlling and managing how we externalize these feelings than others.

Specifically for many of us who are very passionate and care about our work, managing the inner child can be a challenge, especially during stressful times. While being in touch with your true feelings is a good thing, bringing them out in the wrong way can be very counterproductive, especially for a leader. Shouting at people, sending childish emails, or having a hissy fit in a meeting is not good for one's brand, no matter how committed and brilliant you otherwise are.

Having coached many passionate leaders and struggled with this myself at times, below are some key steps I have found helpful to manage the inner child without becoming passive:

1. Learn to identify when your inner child starts to get frustrated, usually, it's the feeling of losing your temper, the body tenses up, your heart rate increases and you start feeling emotions taking hold of you.
2. Buy time to calm down and apply logic: When the inner child is frustrated, it's best to say as little as possible. If you are having a conversation with someone and they say something that pisses you off, instead of lashing out at them, ask them questions to buy time: "why do you feel this way, what leads you to this conclusion" etc. If you can't do that, then just keep quiet. If you feel the need to respond to some snarky email, feel free to type your response but don't send it until you calm down. Save it in drafts - and give it a few hours after which you can apply more logic and less emotion.
3. Find a trusted friend to vent to: For many people, the best way to let out steam is to vent to someone. This is a good solution, but at work, it's important not to vent to the wrong person. In general, neither your boss nor most of your staff is the right person to vent to. The inner child isn't the brand you want to have with your work colleagues. Find a close confidant, maybe someone outside of work, or a colleague?that is also a personal friend, and make sure you tell them that you are specifically talking to them to vent some frustration.
4. Don't catastrophize: A common way that people can get themselves worked up is by catastrophizing; they don't only react to the current issue, they start imagining all the bad things that can happen if this negative trend continues in a straight line. They start to get worked up as if all these theoretical future things already happened. It's important to understand that this is a false narrative. In reality, it's very hard to forecast the future, especially for things you don't control. As such, it's pointless to get worked up about things that may or may not occur in the future no matter what the current trend shows.
5. Don't take it personally: Another way people get worked up is to take everything personally, imagining the word is out to get them. Sure, it's possible that a person has a specific agenda against you, but it's much more likely that they are focused only on themselves and you just happen to be in the way on this day. This fact doesn't make it better, but recasting the narrative as having to work with a difficult person vs. being a targeted victim is a good 1st step in reducing your internal outrage and focusing on what you can control.
6. Focus on what you can control: There are always going to be frustrating things that happen, and some of them may be justifiably bad. Suppose you have a terrible boss who is constantly micro-managing you and/or criticizing you. Assuming it's unlikely that they will change, there is no value in getting worked up about it. In the short term, try to figure out how to work in the situation as best you can while in the medium to longer-term look for a way to move to another team or company. In fact, strong emotions can be a great impetus for longer-term decision-making vs. short-term actions. If you are constantly frustrated in your role, that should inform you to start looking for something else vs. constantly complaining about it. If there is a person that is constantly frustrating you and you can't coach them out of it, figure out how to get them out of your life long term.
7. Reflect on your larger goals: One childish outburst can undo years of brand cultivation as a mature leader. What impact will this have on how people look at me? If I saw someone behave this way, what would I think of them? Of course, this only works after you buy time and can apply some logic. Remember the saying "You don't want to win a battle just to lose the War" - Is winning this one argument by going nuclear going to help you long term or just tarnish your brand?
8. Channel your emotions to constructive actions: Strong emotional feelings can push you to take action, and that is a good thing as long as these actions are constructive. Having an emotional outburst in a meeting is generally not constructive. Making a decision to allocate time to figure out/brainstorm how to work through and/or address a difficult obstruction (be it a person or an organization) can be. Threatening to resign in a public setting isn't typically constructive either. Taking your pent-up frustration and channeling it to looking for a new role or company that really excites you at your own pace and time can be.

Bottom line: Your inner child doesn't have to be an impediment, but you need to channel their energy to constrictive actions, and doing this usually means buying time to calm down 1st.

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