Managing Work When Bereavement Strikes

If there’s one thing we can be certain of, it’s that life will always happen.

It never stops: the cycle of the good, the bad, the ugly and sometimes the downright devastating.?

People start new jobs, are promoted, change jobs, are made redundant, retire, start new businesses, shut them down, raise funding, go public, make bumper profits, or huge losses. You get the picture.

These examples are obviously directly related to the workplace, but as we know there is much more that occurs in people’s lives.

Beyond the conferences, workshops, new business deals and widespread success that seems to abound on the LinkedIn timeline (or is that just mine?), there is a lot more depth and detail.

People get married – and divorced. They have children, battle illnesses, take on caring responsibilities for family members, make money, lose it, have life-changing epiphanies, have accidents, and are victims of crime (hopefully, not perpetrators!) to name a few.

And of course, people suffer the indescribable loss that accompanies death. Heart-breaking and seismic, such loss is almost always life-changing, but cannot be avoided.?

I have experienced it twice in the last few years, the first time being in the middle of the pandemic.?

Nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent. Sure, it’s the natural order of things. But still.

It felt like a sucker punch to my gut, only I wasn’t even aware I was in the ring! Imagine walking along, minding your business, only to be knocked out by Anthony Joshua.

The shock! Not to mention, how unfair that would be. Considering I wasn’t prepared to spar and even if I was? I’d be sure to pick on someone my own size…

…that’s how it felt. No time to process emotions though, as there were practical arrangements to be made right away.

And my work – running client workshops, providing progress updates to the CEO, chasing stakeholders – carried on.

My second brush with loss was a few weeks ago. Not as close as a parent, but it’s still given me pause. I’ve had to stop and undertake the soul searching that invariably happens when someone is suddenly no longer within reach of a phone call or WhatApp message.

So, how to navigate all this alongside work?

That’s a tricky one.

I mentioned that I continued with my deliverables and tasks for the client I worked with at the time. I should clarify, that was entirely my choice. I decided to work through it and chose to only take the day of the funeral off. I didn’t even mention it until a few weeks later as I felt I had lost focus and was struggling to concentrate, which could be affecting my work.?

Fortunately, my disclosure was met with empathy and kindness, which I appreciated.

So I chose to work through that period following the bereavement. I had no script on how to handle the situation and to be honest, I appreciated the distraction my working day provided. At least for those eight-or-more hours I had to focus on the job at hand, as opposed to scrolling through caskets and having to choose one, correcting typos on the death certificate, and deciding which cemetery to go with.?

But outside of specific work for that client, I will confess that I dropped the ball a lot. There were business opportunities and partnerships which came my way in that season, and I didn’t have the wherewithal to see any of them through.?

It’s a hell of a lot to deal with alongside work though.

And the question is, is the world of work set up to support us when death touches our lives?

I’m not so sure. In the U.K. the Advisory Conciliation and Arbitration Services (Acas) confirms that employees have the right to time off for a funeral if the person who died was a dependant.

And if they’re not? There are no legal obligations on the employer to grant leave. However, most companies offer some form of bereavement leave (generally between three and five days), and a day off for the funeral.

?Also, there’s no guarantee that such time off will be paid. If it’s not any time off can be taken as annual leave, otherwise it would be unpaid.

Which is brutal.

Now, of course I know businesses aren’t charities and can ill afford to give staff three months off to grieve (looking back now, that’s probably what I needed). But leaving it to the employer’s discretion, which is what it amounts to without any legal obligation in place, seems cruel at such a crucial time. Worst case scenario, what if the employer insists that it’s not a good time for the employee to be away and leave can’t be approved? I can’t begin to imagine how that might play out.

That’s for employees. And if you’re self-employed or a business owner?

Sure, in theory you can take off as much time as you want. However, that throws financial considerations into the mix, since you can’t issue invoices for work not done.

Sigh! I wish it was more straightforward, as having to worry about money at a time like this is the last thing anyone needs.

Another question is, does work make allowances for how grief and loss affect us emotionally? Physically, even?

I found that I couldn’t sleep at night, which meant I was worn out during the day.

To my surprise, I’ve since discovered that the range of physical symptoms which can accompany grief includes headaches, joint pain, digestive issues, increased inflammation and exhaustion. Grief can throttle the immune system and weaken it, leaving you depleted and vulnerable to infection.

There is such a thing as grief fatigue where body and mind burn out, which can last for weeks or months.

Why had I never heard about this before? Explains why I was totally unprepared. Not that I want to burden educators who are already overwhelmed with so much, but should this stuff be taught in schools, I wonder? Years of formal education, and I genuinely had no clue.

If death is something that will touch us all at some point, and if it can have such a significant impact on our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, are there ways we can prepare, and for the workforce can be better supported when it does??

Perhaps there could be an acknowledgement by organisations of just how much of an impact death has on the living.?

That grief doesn’t just pass in a few days or weeks.

That it’s not something one “gets over” in short order, to align with company targets, OKRs and the financial year.?

That work may be impacted, and the person involved may need more than a day for the funeral.

And in terms of navigating grief on a personal level?

I’ve found Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief a helpful way to understand this. While it’s not exhaustive, it gives good insight into how grief is experienced. It helped me understand that everyone’s grief journey is different, and that I wasn’t crazy for feeling how I felt.?

It’s interesting that her stages of grief – shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – have been further developed and extrapolated to explain how those affected by change in an organisation respond to it. Whether change is personal or professional, I suppose the feelings and reactions it evokes are similar.

For me, my first instincts after the immediate shock were anger and immense irritation. And then the depression set in, which I’d say stayed with me for well over a year.?

I’ll be the first to say that I probably didn’t navigate it very well, certainly in those early days. I didn’t communicate my loss to my client and ploughed on with my work. But then again, maybe there is no right way to do it.

However, since then I’ve found talking therapy helpful. I’ve been blessed to have the support of loved ones. Exercise is a huge outlet, and my faith has been an anchor.?

Oh, and I find writing incredibly cathartic – can you tell?

?If you’ve been affected by loss, I offer you my condolences.