Managing Up When Your Boss Is a Narcissist

Before reading further, please be aware that this blog may be triggering to those of you who have had the misfortune of working with or being in a relationship with someone exhibiting traits of narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissists often mask their manipulative tendencies with a veneer of charm, confidence, and charisma. They may come across as just the kind of lawyer you want to work for. But narcissists are masters of deception, using their charm and confidence to win over their victims until you see their dark side, which is revealed through their harmful and destructive behaviours.

Working for a narcissistic boss can be a harrowing experience, particularly for junior lawyers. The power imbalance, coupled with the narcissistic boss's tendency to manipulate and exploit, can create a toxic work environment that can be difficult to navigate.?

Is Your Boss a Narcissist?

Let me begin by saying that the term narcissist is bandied about in social media, so let’s be clear on what we’re talking about. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a recognized disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of mental disorders. It includes a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early childhood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. ? ?A grandiose sense of self-importance. ?

2. ? ?Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.

3. ? ?A belief that they are “special” (original emphasis in DSM)?and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4. ? ?A requirement for excessive admiration.

5. ? ?A sense of entitlement (i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations).

6. ? ?Interpersonally exploitive behaviour (i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends).?

7. ? ?Lack of empathy. This person is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.?

8. ? ?Often envious of others or believes others are envious of them.

9. ? ?Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.

Does this sound like some personalities in law? Does this sound like anyone you know? ?If you’ve ever had to work with someone with narcissistic personality disorder traits, you know full well how very difficult and toxic that work environment can be. Regrettably, there is little hope for change as narcissists often refuse help because they believe they are not the problem; the problem is everyone else.?

If you believe your boss may have narcissistic personality traits, then it’s best to know what you’re dealing with by reading up on what drives your boss. The more you understand others, the better your relationships will be.

Seven Signs Your Boss May Be A Narcissist?

Narcissistic bosses often exhibit certain behaviours that make working with them a challenging experience. These may include:

1. ???Erratic behaviour and mood swings: Narcissistic bosses are known for their unpredictable and erratic behaviour. Junior lawyers may find themselves constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing when their boss's mood might shift or when they might be the target of their wrath. This constant uncertainty can create a stressful and anxiety-inducing work environment.?

2. ? ?The need for approval and recognition: Narcissistic bosses often exaggerate their achievements and downplay the contributions of others. They can create an environment where their approval is highly valued. Junior lawyers may feel a strong need to please their boss to gain recognition and avoid negative consequences. This can lead to a cycle of self-doubt and a constant fear of falling short of expectations.

3. ? ?Blaming others: They may blame their subordinates for their mistakes or failures and won’t hesitate to throw you under the bus if something goes wrong on a file or with a client.

4. ? ?Exploiting others: Narcissistic bosses may exploit their subordinates, demanding excessive hours or unreasonable tasks.

5. ? ?A drive for revenge: One of the most significant challenges faced by junior lawyers working for narcissistic bosses is the fear of reprisal. The power dynamic can make asserting oneself or challenging the boss's authority difficult. Junior lawyers may fear that speaking up could lead to negative consequences, such as being fired or demoted.

6. ? ?Gaslighting: They may manipulate others into doubting their perceptions or experiences. This often begins small, in circumstances where you may easily doubt your recollections. As time passes, the instances increase in frequency and intensity and can erode your self-esteem and self-confidence. ?

7. ? ?Creating a toxic work environment: Narcissistic bosses can create a hostile and stressful work environment characterized by fear, intimidation, and a lack of trust. If they speak disparagingly about a colleague, you can be sure they are saying disparaging things about you to your colleague to pit you against each other.?

Strategies for Coping

Despite the challenges, it is possible to navigate a complicated relationship with a narcissistic boss. Here are some strategies to consider:

• ?Document everything, and I mean everything: Keep a record of your interactions with your boss, including emails, memos, and meeting notes. This can be helpful if you need to escalate a complaint. It can also remind you of your reality if you ever second-guess yourself when they are gaslighting you.
• Nurture your self-esteem: Working with a narcissist can lead you to feel like you’re constantly on guard and in survival mode, just waiting for the next blowup. You must find ways to cope by engaging in activities outside of work or with other work colleagues. Find roles or activities you enjoy that build your confidence and help you maintain your self-worth.
• Set boundaries: Carefully establish boundaries and communicate your expectations. “Carefully” is the key word. The worst thing you can do is criticize, correct, or challenge a narcissist. They will aggressively turn on you, seek revenge, and make you the villain. Setting boundaries with these individuals can be very challenging. If you attempt to set boundaries with them, you will almost certainly be required to repeat the boundary. You can also expect an increase in the intensity of the objectionable behaviour. Know this. Expect this. Remain firm in your boundary.
• Build a support network: Connect with colleagues or mentors who can offer support and advice. This is very important because another typical behaviour of a narcissistic boss is to isolate you. Remember, you are not alone. If your boss is a narcissist, others like you have most certainly been similarly impacted.
• Focus on your growth: Don't let your boss's behaviour derail your career goals. Continue to develop your skills and seek opportunities for advancement. Try your best to work with other senior lawyers so you can learn that the situation with the narcissist is isolated. It’s not you, it’s them. Consider advocating for yourself to leave the toxic relationship. If your office has a human resources department or associate representative, tell them what is happening to you and the toll it is taking on you.
• Consider seeking professional help: If the situation is causing significant distress, consider seeking counselling.

Remember, you are not alone. Many junior lawyers have faced similar challenges with narcissistic bosses. Understanding your boss’s personality and what drives them, appreciating the situation's dynamics, and implementing effective strategies can help you navigate these challenges and protect your well-being. But remember, no job is worth sacrificing your mental health. There are many helpful and kind senior lawyers who are excellent mentors. Don’t settle for less.

Learn to set boundaries with your narcissistic boss. Watch my CPD-approved one-hour course, Boundary Basics for Lawyers , or grab a copy of my FREE workbook - Boundary Basics for Lawyers.