Managing The Tough Moment - by Carol Keers

I’m turning 68 really, really soon.?After 34 years (half my life!) of doing executive coaching, I recently retired with pride and gratitude from Change Masters. This fall, I started looking through the decades of powerful ideas and tips I'd collected from thousands of my brilliant clients and their leaders.?I knew I had to come back and share them with you, my wonderful LinkedIn community!?

So let’s start with the shock of getting an unexpected and unpleasant surprise and how it relates to the concept of “flocking”.?My clients struggled with this all the time – especially when they had to be the one giving that bad news.

What is flocking??It means that when something confusing or potentially threatening happens on your team, on a plane during turbulence or in any type of crisis, the first thing people do is to look at others, to listen to how they sound. Their sole focus is to see how those around them are reacting.?They check their “flock” around them to see if something is a threat or not.?Notice that there is absolutely no content involved! That’s because flocking is based on just two things – the facial expression and voice inflection from you or others in that first moment after a tough message.?And it all happens in a nanosecond.?

Flocking happens even before the “freeze, flight or fight” response when people are under pressure or fear because it happens deep in the brainstem. There is no content or logic involved in it.

When babies are learning to walk they fall down 150 times a day.?Have you ever seen a toddler fall down??What always happens??There is a moment of silence, as the little one looks at the faces around them to see how they should react.?If they see surprise or fear, the next sound you hear from them is crying.?However, if they see calm, warm or empathetic looks, their reaction is minimal – or doesn’t happen at all.?They just get up and go on.

And that’s why understanding your nonverbal reactions when giving tough messages to others is the secret sauce of success in delivering bad news.?You can increase the ability of others to hear you under pressure by just being aware of the sound of your voice and the look on your face in that difficult moment.?But most people don’t have a clue about either one of these.?

The number one thing we heard at Change Masters when people saw themselves deliver tough messages was, “That’s not what I meant!”?Seeing their face and hearing their voices always made them better at giving tough messages in the future.

So here's how you can be better at mastering the impact of flocking – pull up the video function of your phone.?Tape yourself practicing giving that tough message and then watch it.?I know it’s hard, but it will greatly help you objectively assess how your face and voice will impact others.?Whatever you can do to keep your vocal tone calm and your facial expression neutral, not frustrated, angry or condescending with tough messages, it will pay off dramatically for you.?It will save you so much time and energy when you don’t have to calm so many people down.??Master the most basic forms of expression under pressure, and you will be an even better leader.?You’ve got this, my friend.

?Train your team in a super easy and successful way!?Get them a copy of our book, Seeing Yourself As Others Do, available exclusively at Amazon, ask them to find themselves in it and tell you what they saw.