Managing Through Emotional Exhaustion: Crying, Compassion, and Care

2020 was difficult for all of us, and the start of the new year proved challenging as well. Mental health and wellness are important components of workplace happiness and success, and we are not talking about it as much as we should. During times of severe change or unrest, many suffer from a condition called emotional exhaustion. According to the Mayo Clinic, emotional exhaustion is described as “when stress begins to accumulate from negative or challenging events in life that just keep coming, you can find yourself in a state of feeling emotionally worn out and drained” (Mayo Clinic, 2020). Symptoms include constant fear, nervousness, chronic fatigue, irrational anger, headaches, depression, insomnia, and appetite changes (to name a few). These symptoms do not appear all at once. Instead, they progress over time. If you are reading this and thinking “wow, that’s me”, you are not alone. I am right there with you.

Let me begin by saying I am grateful to be employed. Beyond grateful. I am sure many of you feel similarly. However, being grateful does not mean you are “OK”. You can be both grateful and in a bad place at the same time. Every day, as we type, take calls, log onto Zooms, and write documents, we are simultaneously working through our own pain, loss, frustration, confusion, and despair. And we are working and collaborating alongside people who are working through their own pain, loss, frustration, confusion, and despair. This tension is beyond complicated, and sometimes toxic.

Working and leading through turbulent times makes it near impossible to put your best professional foot forward Monday through Friday. You are going to falter. Others will falter. You are not going to be perfect, and neither are members of your team. Acknowledging this is the first step. But this does give us the added responsibility of trying harder to understand and care about those we lead. Sure, the work still needs to get done. We still need to hold teams accountable, ask for updates, and address issues. But, if 2020 taught leaders anything, it is that if we do not take care of the people we manage, there is no long-term success for the organization. Taking care of people requires sophisticated soft skills. It means learning how to motivate our teams, increase positive morale, and demonstrate empathy in all aspects of our work. These latter qualities not only showcase our humanity, but clearly relays to our employees that we value and appreciate them. Also, 2020 taught us that no matter how busy we are, we need to regularly check on our employees. Even the strongest people need help, sometimes more than we think. Just because someone is thriving at work does not mean they are emotionally ok.

Leading through emotional exhaustion is not easy. It requires people managers to put their own feelings aside and focus on individual needs of employees. This can be difficult with large teams and while juggling various responsibilities. Plus, you, my leader friend, are probably stressed and emotionally exhausted too (which does not help). And, honestly, taking on the energy of others is taxing (even more so if you are an unemotional person). Taking all this into account, I recently put some unconventional leadership skills in practice. Some of the most successful are shared in this piece. I hope these tips inspire you to lead differently, too.

Say Yes to Crying

Crying is not a sign of weakness. In fact, crying is a strength. Biologically, it is a physical demonstration that someone is affected by a person, place, or thing (positively or negatively). It is just as healthy as swearing, working out, eyerolling, or meditating. It is just a different release. Crying at work does not indicate someone is unprofessional or fragile. It demonstrates the simple fact that something someone said or did - or something in one’s personal life - yielded a specific reaction. If crying is not hindering productivity or is regularly done in front of large groups or clients, I say let your employees cry. And make them comfortable doing so.

Admittedly, I am a crier. I am an emotional person. I love hard, I take things personally, my feelings get hurt easily, and I absorb the energy of others. Does this annoy unemotional people? Sure. Does being emotional have its downsides? Absolutely. Some days, I wish I could just turn it off like a faucet. But, toning it down or shutting it off is self-censorship. And, if I feel like I need to bring a different version of myself to work than the one I wake up with, I am not in the right job. Emotional is how I do life, and the way I manage is no exception. Here are some things I do to ensure my team knows tears are welcome:

·        I make my (virtual) office a true safe space for emotional release. I am proud that students, faculty, and colleagues know they can put time on my calendar to “cry it out” with zero questions or judgement. Sometimes I give advice. Sometimes I have difficult conversations. Sometimes I say nothing at all. It depends on what the person needs. Regardless, my office is a well-known cry zone.

·        I do my fair share of crying. And I am lucky enough to have close colleagues and friends that allow me to feel safe and secure letting my emotions out (also, note: the moment you feel embarrassed that you are crying in front of someone, it is a sign they are not your people).

Sometimes leaders forget a crying employee does not necessarily mean a sad one. Crying can be a sign of embarrassment, frustration, or happiness. Take me, for example. If I am crying at work, you can be 99% sure it is because I am incredibly frustrated and cannot find the right words to express myself. I work on this constantly, but that does not prevent it from happening on occasion. I mention this because as leaders, it is important to try and understand the “why” behind an emotional reaction, instead of assuming someone is fragile, unprofessional, or simply “incapable” of handling their emotions.

Here are some questions you can ask a crying employee:

·        “What’s wrong? Do you want to talk about it?”

·        “I see this conversation is upsetting you. Can I ask why?”

·        “I value working with you, and it’s hurting me to see you like this. How can I help?”

·        “Hey, that meeting (or conversation) was difficult, and you were clearly upset. I want to understand why you reacted that way.” (if someone was crying during a meeting).

Crying is a vulnerable action, and it can quickly evoke feelings of shame and loneliness in the crier, especially if it is ignored or assumed they will “get over it.” Leaders should address the witnessed emotion, or at least take the initiative to do a well-check on the individual. It may be all that is needed to turn a tough moment into a lasting relationship. 

If the crying is non-work related, and it is affecting someone’s productivity, grant the person some time with you, just to feel heard. If they are inconsolable, the best thing to do is tell them to sign off for the day/take some time off until they feel better. Sometimes permission to take a (temporary) break and deal with the emotion is the best gift you can give. If the inability to manage their emotions is causing work-related issues (missed deadlines, client complaints, making others uncomfortable, etc.) that is a separate conversation. In this, it is still your responsibility to tactfully address it with your employee. Here is an example:

“This is a difficult conversation to have, but we do need to have it. Your work quality is slipping, and it’s noticeable. You’ve been behaving a bit differently, too. Like how you had an outburst in that meeting the other day – that’s unlike you, and I’d like to avoid that in the future. Would you be comfortable sharing what’s going on? I value you as part of this company, but things can’t continue like this. How can I support or help you?”

For the unemotional leaders or non-criers in the room: What if you are truly uncomfortable with crying at work? And really do feel like it is inappropriate? How you feel is not wrong and you are entitled to your opinion. I would, however, like to offer an unsolicited consideration: If you oversee people, how can you do your job effectively if you cannot accept and respect the way others process information? You do not have to like it, or do it yourself, but everyone is different. In this, it is your responsibility to manage your team not as “one”, but as individual pieces of a puzzle that all have different needs that require personalized management, or they will never be able to come together as one cohesive unit.

Focus on Milestones, Not Moments

2020 amplified thoughts and feelings like no other. So far, 2021 is testing patience, too. In this lies a lesson: Most of us spend eight or more hours per day working. The other hours are spent with heavy life stuff that we do not talk about at work. This said, as much as we try not to “bring it” (our personal lives) to work, sometimes we cannot help it. Emotions just appear, and usually at the worst possible times. These moments can present themselves as a snappy comment, an “oh crap” mistake, or a moment of pure regret and embarrassment. We have all been there. In 2020, maybe this happened more often than we would like. Because, let us be honest, were any of us our best selves in 2020? (this is rhetorical).

As my Dad always says, humans are unpredictable. Thus, when someone reacts poorly or makes an uncharacteristic mistake, it is important to take a moment to look at the whole picture. Think to yourself:

·        Is this person an asset to the team?

·        Could this just be an unfortunate moment in time? Or is this consistent behavior?

·        Is there any way I am responsible for this person’s reaction? Could I have delivered this information better?

·        Does this need to be formally addressed?

Remember: A few bad days/mistakes/unfortunate instances do not represent someone’s overall ability or personality. A few meetings where the tone is off does not make someone a habitual problem. A few mistakes or absentminded errors does not make someone a screw up. Yet, leaders continue to spend more time on negative feedback and harping on mistakes than celebrating all the things their employees do right. And – sadly – this is understandable. In difficult times, it may be easier to focus on the negative because we perceive our lives as negative. We may be more apt to nitpick or be hard on our employees because it makes us feel better. Or, we become laser-focused on protecting our own jobs or reputation. The truth hurts. I know. 

Let me be clear: I am not suggesting leaders ignore mistakes or avoid reprimanding employees if it is deserved. Especially if the mistakes or issues are repeated or constant. What I am suggesting, however, is that we are in different times, and we need to think about why something is important to bring up and how to do it. Leaders need to use more care in delivering messages, so that information is delivered with care. To accomplish this, accusations and defensiveness need to go out the window, and we all need to do more listening. We need to avoid going into a conversation angry. We need to respect how others process information or events. Finally, we need to put empathy at the forefront of every conversation, with a constant goal of understanding the situation – and the rationales behind what occurred – better. Here are some examples:

·        “We need to discuss what happened, and it may be difficult, but I want you to know this incident does not reflect the person you are, and it’s not going to define you.”

·        “I want to address the situation, but first, I’d like you to tell me your side and how you’re feeling. It may help me better understand where you’re coming from.”

·        “I think we both understand the situation could have been handled better, and we need to discuss strategies to ensure this doesn’t happen in the future. But first, I want to take a few minutes to understand why you reacted that way.”

·        “OK. I respect that you don’t want to talk about this right now. Why don’t you take some time to reflect upon what happened, and we can talk later this week? It’s important to me that we discuss this but understand you may need a little time to digest.”

Most employees come into a job wanting to do great work for you. As time passes, feelings of appreciation, value, and care need to be cultivated, or they will diminish. A mishandled conversation between manager/employee can do a lot of damage, both immediate and long-term. Once these feelings take hold, you risk your employee becoming despondent, unmotivated, or disengaged. Or, worse, (unbeknownst to you), they begin making exit plans. In short, the employee becomes a product of their perceived negative environment. No leader can lose valuable employees (or customers) right now. They are too expensive to replace. To alter a famous quote from Abby Lee Miller (“Dance Moms”): “{not} everyone is replaceable”.

Practice Inclusive Leadership

In today’s complicated landscape, everyone is busier than ever. But, as a leader, you need to take the time to regularly check in on your employees (especially your new ones). This sends a powerful message: That you care more about them as people than simply their work output. For example, I am very involved in my faculty’s day-to-day teaching, but not in a micromanager way (unless I need to be). I like to get into the weeds not only to ensure the team is delivering on excellence, but that they are happy. This does not mean, of course, that I make everyone happy all the time. I can assure you that does not happen. And, at times, I need to make difficult decisions and choices that leave employees downright unhappy. But, overall, I know my team is happy because I informally measure it. You heard me correctly. I measure happiness. I do this through engagement, body language, and participation. These things provide me with important insights into team morale, potential burn out, and motivation to succeed.

It is important to note that I am not a happiness researcher, nor am I an expert on the subject. I have read enough, however, to understand that happiness is feeling or showing contentment. At work, this can be exuded in a variety of ways: 

·        Consistently does great work.

·        Being adaptive and flexible to change.

·        Exudes an openness to learning.

·        Practices open communication/is forthcoming with information.

·        Smiles/is animated during meetings.

·        Asks questions and/or for clarifications.

·        Feels comfortable speaking up and/or bringing up concerns.

·        Attends non-mandatory events/meetings just to connect and engage. 

·        Regularly asks for help and/or advice.

If any or all are displayed, I can confidently surmise employees are “happy” doing their job. Also, it means they are conducive to my leadership style, which is a key variable in any employee-happiness equation. For example, when I first started in my current role, I asked for a one-on-one meeting with every instructor. With a large roster, this took months. And it was worth it. It was important to me to understand each instructor’s personality, what made them tick, and their strengths and weaknesses. On the flip side, I wanted to share my leadership style and faculty expectations. This exchange is inclusive leadership in practice.

Inclusive leadership is misconstrued all the time. It is not only about living and breathing diversity, equity, and inclusion. Inclusive leaders are those who are people-oriented, understanding, passionate, and are more socially savvy than procedure heavy. They inspire change, take the time to understand the jobs of those they manage, and are committed to the team’s emotional well-being. They are ride or die for their customers and employees, and put the needs of others before their own. Also, they actively listen more than talk and ponder more than react. These actions help move past immediate words coming out of someone’s mouth and instead, focus on deciphering root causes of issues.

Post pandemic, inclusive leaders will be more employable than revenue-driven or process-oriented ones. Many organizations learned – the hard way – that the inability to be an inclusive leader permanently harmed their team’s intrinsic motivation and forever altered the trajectory of their success. Being liked matters. The more people like and respect you as a leader, the better the health and happiness of the employee. This yields to a better overall work output, as well as loyalty and longevity for your organization.

Lastly – and this one is not for everyone – my inclusive leadership style yields a “what you see is what you get” mentality. I hide nothing. I talk about life with my faculty and students. I am open about anxiety, pain, and stress. We celebrate wins together. We follow each other on social media and connect outside of work hours. Some of my favorite moments of the day is late-night tweeting with some of my faculty about a show we both love or communicating over Instagram DM with a virtual ‘cheers’. I also welcome students to make fun of me for my IG stories showcasing my inability to put together an Amazon-ordered kitchen table or my (kind of gross) affinity for cookie dough Pop-Tarts (true story). Being relatable and approachable as a human makes you a more respected and effective leader. Now is the time to show your heart, not just your head.