Managing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Andrew Lambert
Empowering individuals and organisations with transformative coaching and heightened awareness. By leveraging the unique strengths of ADHD, I help people pave the way for breakthroughs and success
Welcome, in this edition of ADHDaptive Life, I thought it would be useful to share some insights about managing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
What is RSD
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is an extreme and all-consuming response to rejection, criticism, or even the perception of this. It may last hours, days or sometimes even weeks, and you may have the feeling that you have to resolve this at all costs. It usually fades with time however it can easily be triggered again if you are reminded of the situation.
This can lead to heightened anxiety and have a serious impact on your ability to function at work or in everyday life.
How to Manage RSD
Luckily there are ways to manage RSD and reduce the impact. This is a technique that I use and I share with my clients.
The first and most important step is to understand RSD and to recognise it when it is happening.
Whenever you are in a situation where you are thinking negatively about something that has happened, ask yourself "Is this RSD?" If you are asking the question, the answer is most likely yes!
When I say "ask yourself" what does that actually mean? Well, there isn't a single answer to this, as everyone processes stimuli in different ways. However, you may find your internal narrator is your friend here, so if you have one, get comfortable talking to them about it. You may have a trusted friend you can talk to or you may prefer writing your thoughts in a journal.
? Whenever you feel deep emotion about something that has happened, take a deep, slow breath and count to 10, then ask yourself, "Is this feeling rejection sensitive dysphoria?"
? If it is, or you are in any doubt then consider the situation. Begin by thinking about the worst possible outcome that you can imagine.
? Next, think about what you would do should this actually happen, the key here is to understand that no matter what, you will survive and there are actions that you can take should this worst-case scenario play out,
? Finally, considering how likely this outcome is to manifest, I find it useful to use a scale of 1-10, with ten being this is definitely what is going to happen and 1 being very unlikely.
? Repeat this for another outcome, this time something that is more likely to be the case.?
? Continue this until you come to an outcome which is very likely
By doing this exercise, you use the logical part of your brain to analyse the situation and mitigate it. Think of it as a risk assessment.
You should find that it's like remembering a dream. If you write it down and analyse it as soon as you wake up, you will find that you remember more details than the memories fading within minutes of waking.
The goal is that by repeatedly doing this, it should become a habitual thing that you do subconsciously, and your brain will recognise that it is RSD but you will know the most likely outcomes and what you would do in any given situation.
C.A.L.M.S
The use of the acronym CALMS may help:-
Worked Example
Lets work through a simple, but prevalent scenario.
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You message your friend Sarah, asking them if they want to meet up for a coffee at the weekend. They don't respond immediately, so you send another followup and still no response.
Your internal narrative goes wild, your friend hates you, and you imagine all sorts of scenarios about what you have done to upset her.
You begin by asking yourself "Is this likely to be RSD?"
The answer from your brain is."Possibly, but this may be real"
Consider the worst case scenario.
"Sarah hates me because last week we had an argument, now she doesn't want anything to do with me, she was my best friend and now I have lost her and she will never speak to me again and will bad mouth me all over social media turning everyone against me."
Now consider what you would do if this were the case
"I would feel awful. However, I still have to get on with my life. I would survive without her, I would find new friends, or perhaps I would live my life in isolation. I would still be here, and it would be hard, but I would survive as a hermit with no friends, relying on myself for company. I might get a dog to keep me company"
Now consider on a scale of 1-10 how likely this is to happen.
"Realistically, this isn't very likely, I won't be a hermit living off grid, I'll still go to work, eat, drink and have other people to talk to" on a scale of 1-10 it's a 2
Consider other scenarios, ending up with the more likely outcome
"She hasn't responded because her mind was occupied with something else, she meant to respond but put it off and never got to it. I will give her a call or go visit her to see if she is okay."
"She thinks she has ADHD it is quite likely that she just forgot to reply - on a scale of 1-10, that is a 10"
It's a trivial example, but one that many people with ADHD face on a regular basis, however, you have used the logical part of your brain to work out what you would do in each scenario and worked out the most likely reality. You can now focus on this and work though your plan. If that doesn't play out, then work though other scenarios.
Understanding and having a plan should take the anxiety out of the situation and allow your impulsive and creative brain to take over and do what it does best!
Summary
Everyone is different and this may not work for you, but give it a try next time you feel overwhelmed by rejection. There may be a better solution for you, and that's where neurodiversity coaching comes in, we work with your brain to overcome challenges in a way that works for you.
If you are interested in a conversation about how coaching may help you, you can book a chat here or send me a LinkedIn message or email [email protected]