Managing Negativity. Boosting Positivity.
Matthew Koh (MAPPCP, ICF PCC)
Positive Psychology Lecturer | Workplace & School Wellbeing Consultant | Career Clarity Coach | Trainer | Speaker
Are my negative emotions signs of weakness?
Humans are bombarded with numerous stressors in life: Experiencing academic stresses, dealing with difficult colleagues, superiors and clients, feeling challenged by parenting a rebellious child, coping with an illness etc. These stressful events might result in us experiencing negative emotions. We also often hear of how negative emotions are perceived as signs of displaying ‘weakness’. Particularly in the Asian culture, sometimes we were told to display positive 24/7 and hide our negative emotions regardless of the circumstances that we encounter in life. This is not healthy amongst the community especially when people start to feel guilty or self-blame whenever they experience negative emotions. As an educator who is trained in Food Science, least did I expect that I would encounter positive psychology. I came into this work on positive psychology after witnessing an increasing trend of my students going through stress-related, anxiety and depressive symptoms due to the inability to cope with academic and life stresses. The saddest thing was - students might not share about their negative emotions because they were afraid to be judged by people, including their teachers. Hence, I think there is a strong need to train both educators and students in understanding what emotions are and to embrace them!
Interesting facts about emotions
Firstly, emotions serve as important functions in our lives. The trick here is to boost positive emotions without avoiding or denying negative emotions. If we increase the frequency of positive emotions in our life, it acts as a buffer to help us cope with the negatives. You may challenge me and ask, “How can I experience positivity when my life is already full of negativity?
Our brain is naturally wired to source for negativity around us. You realise how our minds tend to dwell on the one thing that did not go well for the day in spite of many other positive events that have occurred. Let me give you an example, if someone celebrates your birthday today (which would be perceived as a positive event), you would possibly feel elated, a deep sense of gratitude, or feeling loved by your family and friends who spent time celebrating your birthday! While you feel good about it, it is quite likely that after a few days, your life is back to normal and you carry on with your daily tasks. On the contrary, when you experience negative or traumatic experiences, the outcome could possibly be very different. You realise that negative emotions linger longer when you experienced a breakup, failed your exams, lost your job etc. Emotions are triggered by events. As much as we do not condemn ourselves when we experience negative emotions, we should be mindful not to 'grow' a negative emotion into a mood, i.e. a constant state of experiencing the same negative emotion in your life regardless of the events you encounter. How can we then better manage our emotions knowing that we are naturally drawn to negative emotions?
1. Identify and make sense of the emotions you are experiencing
I developed the 'Emotions Bank', which comprises 43 positive and 40 negative emotions. The Emotions Bank (Figure 1) helps you to identify the specific emotions that you are experiencing, and more importantly, to discover the source of emotion trigger.
Figure 1. Emotions Bank
2. Self-acceptance / Non-judgement
Be aware and accept the negative emotions that you are experiencing. You could be going through emotional wounds when you might cry and have sleepless nights - and that is perfectly normal. Do not blame or start judging yourself for the negative emotions and pain that you are going through. Constantly encourage yourself that although you are presently feeling sad, anxious, you will attempt to have self-regulation to take control and avoid evolving these negative emotions into a constant state/mood.
Step 3: Adopt strategies to manage negative emotions
Ask yourself if there are alternative solutions to the problem that you are facing? Are there resources that you can tap on for help? Are there people that you can confide in? Do not feel embarrassed to ask for help because at the end of the day, you hope to get out of this painful situation you are in. Ask yourself if you are able to look at the problem from a different perspective? Are there pessimistic thoughts or cognitive distortions that are stopping you from seeing things in a more optimistic view? Could you exit yourself from the problem and go for a walk in the park to breathe in fresh air? At times, it is important to encourage yourself to take a breather before you face the problem again later. If you realised that there is nothing that you could control or do, try engaging in an activity that you enjoy which could help to take your mind off temporarily and recharge yourself before facing the issue again.
Step 4: Flexible mindset to create positive emotions
Although you may experience negative emotions, we can adopt a flexible mindset to create positive emotions. Let me provide a simple analogy related to diet habits to explain the importance of flexible mindset in creating positive emotions. It is common knowledge that eating deep fried foods that are high in saturated fats have negative impact on human health. Although we experience seasonal periods of unhealthy eating (especially during festive seasons), we can be more intentional in selecting healthier diet alternatives after the feasting to “balance” the unhealthy eating.
The same explanation applies for positive emotions! Once you become aware that you are sucked into a space of constant negativity, it is important to have self-regulation and intentionally boost your positive emotions to ‘neutralise’ these negative emotions. According to Barbara Fredrickson’s Broaden-and-Build theory (2001), when one experiences negative emotions such as fear, anger, sadness ,he/she may become restricted in attention, and his/her focus may start to amplify negative situations and emotions. Conversely, positive emotions widens your attention which opens up to broad, creative and flexible thinking. This may eventually aid in the undoing effect of negative emotions. When one has broadened attention, it leads to increased engagement with the environment which helps one to build resources (intellectual, social, physical and psychological) (Fredrickson, 2001).
Step 5: Ways to create positive emotions
Now that you possess a flexible mindset to create positive emotions, the next question is “HOW should I go about doing it?” You could try any one of more of the simple techniques below.
1. Gratitude Letter: Write a letter of gratitude to thank someone who has helped you or impacted your life and pass the letter to him/her personally and journal down how you feel after this experience.
2. Three-Two-One approach: Make it a habit to pen down 3 good things that happen to you for the day, 2 positive emotions that you experience as a result of the good things, and 1 thing to thank yourself for the day!
3. Positive Sharing: Meet up with your close friend and make it intentional to encourage one another to share about one recent positive event that has occurred in your life and how has the meaning of this event change your life! It could be a recent moment at your work when you felt a sense of achievement, it could be the excitement or the joy of being a father etc. When you make an effort to reminisce the past positive events and share about them, you will experience an upward spiral of positive emotions!
4. Savouring of Positive Portfolio: Identify a positive emotion that you want to work on and collect as many pictures, quotes, artefacts, music, videos, basically anything that can help you create that positive emotion. For instance, I once built a positive portfolio on "Serenity" so that whenever I am feeling overwhelmed, I would open my positive portfolio and savour each of the pictures and artefacts that I have collected to boost serenity. Savouring your positive portfolio helps you to 're-calibrate' your emotions.
References
Fredrickson, B. (2001) The role of positive emotions in positive psychology – the broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3): 218-26
About the writer:
Matthew has more than 10 years of experience as an educator. He has spent more than 10 years as an educator, specialised in teaching teenagers and young adults. He is presently a course manager in Singapore Polytechnic where he plans, develops and reviews curriculum for content and pedagogical quality. As award winners for Excellence in Teaching and Excellence in Care & Guidance awards, Matthew is a passionate educator who invests time in teaching, nurturing and mentoring youths well. After obtaining his Graduate Diploma in Applied Positive Psychology, he facilitated numerous positive psychology workshops for his students on positive psychology topics such as resilience, positive emotions, character strengths and motivations. Matthew came to this work after witnessing an increasing trend of his students going through stress-related, anxiety and depressive symptoms due to the inability to cope with academic and life stresses. As an advocate for positive education, Matthew decided to train his students in positive psychology and coaches them to help them gain the necessary skills sets to manage and enhance their well-being amidst the academic stresses, adversities and challenges faced by the students. He is currently pursuing his MSc. Applied Positive Psychology and Coaching Psychology from University of East London. As an inspiring and motivational speaker and trainer, Matthew aspires to continue his legacy in positively impacting and transforming the lives of the community, one at a time.
Life Coach, Trainer, Motivator, Enthusiast, Speaker, HR Recruiter, Collaborator, Early Years & Primary Teacher, Community Building, Careers, Transitions, Consultant, Thinker, Goal Setting, Life Balance, Friend, Mother
5 年Great article
Dream Catalyst I Culture Strategist I Speaker Author
5 年Thanks for sharing Matthew Koh!
Certified Life & Career Coach | Mentor | Board Member | Leadership Coach | Author | Speaker | Personal Branding | Career Success
5 年Great article Matthew!
Excellent article, Matthew! Good reminder about Fredrickson's work - so important in intentionally managing our positive emotions well. Thanks for sharing!