Managing fear - how to reclaim your power

Many people are very fearful of what 2021 will bring, and who can blame them?   

For so many people, the world has never felt more unsafe or unstable with the growth of Covid 19, Brexit, financial instability, job insecurity, overwhelm of healthcare provisions and workers, challenges in working from home, home schooling, repeated lockdowns and loneliness. 

Worse of all of course, is that for many, this time has been characterised by death and grief.

Yes, there are many legitimate reasons to feel afraid. And yet, that’s not quite the whole picture...is it? 

2020 ushered in a whole raft of changes, offering new ways of working and living. Business flexibility and adaptability, innovation, more leisure time (for those who aren’t parents), professional, personal, and global cooperation, a renewed appreciation of community, enumerable acts of personal kindness, plus a heightened sense of the value and fragility of human life.  

The accelerated production of vaccines in themselves provided so much to celebrate: Despite conflicting allegiances, the international scientific and medical communities united as one as never before, pooling resources in the race to find the vaccine. We owe them and our wonderful healthcare workers a great debt.

There’s a huge list of positive outcomes from 2020 - and yet, do you notice how the media and social narrative tends to be skewed towards the negative stories? Is that perhaps because fear, no matter how well founded, obscures the picture?  

One day, this period will be consigned to the history books.  

Life will move on, but not as it was before - many will feel thankful for this, others less so. Key to our ability to adapt positively, and flourish in these new conditions, will depend on how we perceive and deal with fear. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of ‘different’. 

We can choose to allow fear to cloud our perceptions, or face it, examine it and disarm it.

Even those who consider themselves courageous, will still fear something. It's natural - it might be a quite normal and understandable fear such as public speaking; or the more unusual ones, such as P Diddy’s fear of clowns, or Helen Mirren’s overwhelming fear of talking on the phone. All of us experience fear to some degree or another, and sometimes it can severely restrict our freedom and choices. It simply depends on how you chose to deal with fear. It certainly doesn't seem to have held back P Diddy or Helen Mirren... 

As a career coach I’ve heard hundreds of stories from people staying in jobs they hated. ‘Better the devil you know’ has become a pervasive mindset in our culture, so it's understandable that many chose to cling onto the tried and tested. Too scared to risk the unknown; but, having finally found the courage to face their fears and take the plunge, they discovered their fears were unfounded. The common thread I continually find is genuine regret at having waited so long to make the leap.

So, let's distinguish between two types of fear – concern over real risk vs imagined risk.

Unsurprisingly, the most current example of imagined fear amongst my clients is health anxiety. Dr Google is always on hand 24/7, to confirm their imagined symptoms as a perfect match for something deadly. By the time they've received the reassuring news that it’s not cancer, or some other dreadful illness, they've already put themselves through agonising weeks of fully experiencing the worst possible outcomes.  

Unfortunately, the body can’t tell the difference between real and imagined experiences – the stress is real even if the illness isn’t. 

In a similar vein, with organisational change, it's normal for us to fear the word ‘restructure’ which can immediately conjure up images of loss or other bad past experiences. Yet it’s both an unnecessary and unhelpful reaction, especially if it induces a stress response that interferes with our ability to function properly. Once we’ve calmed down, we are able to explore our concerns, assessing what the real risks or threats are, and how to best deal with them.

Change presents both risks and opportunities - it's essential we are able to calmly assess both.  

Once we’re able to admit we’re afraid, and honestly assess our thought processes around our fears, it's possible to make great and positive changes. It’s very helpful to do this work with someone else, such as an excellent coach, or a wise and trusted friend. 

If you prefer to reflect in private, here’s a self-study exercise. It’s based on the brilliant work of Mo Gawdat in his 2019 book ‘Solve for Happy’. If you recognise that fear is hijacking your life, reading his book is a fantastic place to start the process of changing this negative response. 

Start by identifying one thing you’re afraid of. I’ll use my old terror of job interviews for this case study – but the process can be applied to just about any fear.

Allow some quiet time to go through this exercise. Be gentle - ask yourself five questions:

1. What’s the worst that can happen? 

This question can often elicit horror stories straight from your imagination. It’s important to allow the horrors to unfold. If you’re working alone, you might find it useful to write them down – allowing your imagination to run wild. Then boil it down to the ONE absolute worst outcome. We aren’t interested in the others, just the worst but realistic outcome. 

So, for example: What are the worst things that can happen if I go for a job interview?

I might panic - forgetting everything I know, say stupid things, talk too much, bore them rigid, become the butt of jokes across the organisation or even suffer a stress-induced heart attack and die!

But the absolute worst, realistic outcome? I might do so badly, I damage my reputation across the whole company - being left with no choice but to resign from my secure job, and put myself out onto the external job market.

Having started from a position within the darkest recesses of your mind - it can feel uncomfortable. The good news is it gets easier from now on - the only way is up…

1. So What? 

This question propels you from fear - towards courage.  

In my example: So what if I lose that job? Will my life end? Will I starve to death? So what if they laugh about me afterwards? Will I cease to exist? Will it have any material impact on my life? Aside from the concept in my head called shame, is there really any damage that happens as a result of being laughed about?  

Having envisaged the worst-case scenario, you remove the sting and the pain associated with it. You can and will survive. Let’s continue to move upwards...

1. How likely is it? 

How likely is it that the worst-case scenario will happen? Ask yourself...

• Has it actually ever happened to you?  
• How often have you seen it happen to someone else?
• If you noticed someone else's nervousness, about a job interview, how would you respond? Would it make you dislike them, or merely remind you they are human and really care about this opportunity?   
• Have you heard friends/colleagues talk about bad experiences of job interviews - did they actually damage the way they were regarded by their whole organisation?  

Be realistic. Be sensible. Keep moving upwards…

1. What action can I take to prevent the worst-case scenario?

This is the moment you take back your power, turning fear into useful action. Let's get to work... 

In my example, the fear of job interviews had been sparked by one very negative interview experience. Thankfully, I had a wonderful mentor who helped me through - mostly by helping me focus on this one question of what I could do to prevent another bad experience. I prepared for the next one like my life depended on it. It was an internal opportunity and my mentor helped me to plan for it. I did my research on the recruiting manager – what did she value? What were her big challenges and priorities? What skills and expertise was she looking for in this post? How did my strengths and experiences measure up? What gaps might she be concerned about? 

1. Can I Recover? 

The fifth question is the one I personally find most liberating: In the unlikely event my worst-case scenario happens, will I cope? This is where I tend to accept the facts - how likely am I not to recover?

Of course I would recover If I lost my job, and had to start again: It's a big world out there! 

If you are having trouble accepting this belief – and some people do – it’s a likely sign you still have some more work to do to support your healing and wellbeing.  

Answering Mo Gawdat’s additional question might encourage you to delve further into your subconscious:

What will happen if I do nothing?

It's probably a safe assumption you've already identified the ‘fear factor’ in your life, otherwise you wouldn't have read this far - right? As we identified at the beginning, our new normal will never be the same again. Pretty much everyone agrees with this statement - though how you perceive this new and untested future, will greatly depend on your ability to control and channel your fear. Possibly, this statement makes you feel very sad and fearful of terrible loss; or alternatively it could fill you with renewed optimism and possibly even vague stirrings of excitement and opportunity.  

The real question is, do you choose to continue living with fear, real or imagined, allowing it to restrict your growth and expansion? Or, do you want to face up to our ‘new normal’ with the courage to reach out and grasp the new opportunities it presents?

Mo Gawdat’s final question was: What is the BEST case scenario? Now there's a question worth spending lots of time on...

If you would like to pick up this conversation I’d love to hear from you. 

Reach me on email at [email protected] And connect with me on LinkedIn

At Nkuzi Change our mission is to help organisations unlock the full potential of their Middle Leaders through coaching that is focused, directed, inclusive and scaleable.