Managing Emotional Stress

Do you know people who are triggered by even the slightest stress? Perhaps not being flexible in simple situations or not being able to prioritize their work? You can tell people who aren’t able to manage their emotions and reactions because they raise their voices, make statements that seem extreme, predict gloom and doom and give off a helpless vibe in their communications. People who aren’t mindful of their emotions can also create personal drama. They are difficult to be around and sap your energy.

According to recent statistics from the Global Organization for Stress website https://www.gostress.com/stress-facts/:

* 80% of workers feel stress on the job, and nearly half say they need help in learning how to manage stress. And 42% say their coworkers need such help – American Institute of Stress

* The Stress in America survey results show that adults continue to report high levels of stress and many people report that their stress has increased over the past year – American Psychological Association

Work and family pressures, interpersonal conflict, violence, political differences, global unrest and fake news invade our lives daily and can cause a high level of anxiety. These situations are not likely to go away.

Without strategies to cope, we risk allowing our emotions to spin us out of control causing conflict, difficulty in relationships, dismantling of trust, and on a personal level, insomnia and illness.

Many of us have reactions to personal and current events that range from sadness or disbelief to anger or apathy. Noticing and acknowledging how we feel is a sign of healthy emotional intelligence. When we are not aware of our emotions, we can slip into overreaction and drama and cause undue stress not only for ourselves but also the people around us.

Most people have strong enough emotional intelligence to avoid overreacting except in the most challenging circumstances or those where they have little time to react appropriately. What do we do in those situations? We can’t manage our stress levels in reaction to these events without having some coping strategies. I’ve found my life to be calmer and my relationships better when I pay attention to my emotions and as a result, reactions.

Below are two common situations that you probably have experienced, which on the scale of stress may be small, however, if you apply emotional intelligence skills in less challenging situations, you can build up your muscles to be more focused, calm and present with the big stuff.

Road Rage

On my daily commute, someone cuts me off in traffic or almost crashes into my car. I can say to myself – “What a jerk!” and aggressively signal my anger to the other driver, causing danger to us both or an innocent third party. Or I can choose to tell myself, “That person must have an emergency” or “Got the flight time wrong and is going to be late for a flight.” Best to let it go and move forward. Of course, in this situation, the best outcome is for me to stay present and drive safely.

Here's a tip when in a situation that angers you: When I’m at my best, I can focus on being compassionate for the other person, knowing that somehow, they are doing their best, even if it doesn’t appear that way at the moment.

Colleagues who keep everyone waiting

In another scenario, someone I work with is always late to meetings. On this day, I have several deadlines and waiting for this person who is late again is causing me stress and frustration.

So, I might say to myself, “This person is always late! Who does he think he is?” or “She doesn’t value my time.” Or “Her stuff is always more important!” Or "He's so disorganized!" These thoughts remove me from understanding my own emotions, which keeps me from being present to what's happening.

Here's the tip in this situation: A more practical approach that uses my emotional self-awareness, a key component in emotional intelligence is: “I feel frustrated that my colleague is late again!” When that person arrives, I can also say after greeting him or her, “Could we talk about our time agreement? I’ve been waiting on you 10 minutes, and this is the third time in the last two weeks it’s happened. I value our time together, and I don’t like waiting. It feels like a waste of time. Is there something we can do to arrive at the same time?” That way I’ve taken responsibility for my feelings and not spending undue energy on taking down the other person.

This approach saves a lot of emotional energy on your part and helps you be more present to the problems you need to solve.  

There are a few things you can do in a frustrating moment to keep calm in a difficult situation. Next time you are about to make a sarcastic remark, raise your voice, or retaliate for someone’s aggression or slight against you, try this:

1. Name your emotion, either to yourself or if you have a trusting relationship with the person who is with you, say it to that person.

·     I feel frustrated that you can't see my point of view on this problem.

·     I am mad at your remark.

·     I am confused about your comment.

·     I don't feel you respect me when you… (fill in the blank here)

2. After naming your emotion, choose your response. Decide how you want to respond and what outcome you want for the situation.

·     You may need to set a boundary

·     You may want to ask the other person a question or make a request

·     If the person is saying something inflammatory, critical, sarcastic or irrational, give this phrase a go in a neutral, calm manner: “Interesting point of view” or “Tell me more.” Either of those statements can reduce conflict. Fighting or arguing doesn't make it better. You can use "I don't feel you respect me when you talk to me this way" to see if the person will calm down.

You may also realize your request or expectations are not appropriate. By naming your emotion and thinking it through, you can see where you may be contributing to your challenges.

Using Emotional Intelligence Skills Makes Everything Better

One approach that has helped me stay present, experience less conflict, and move forward more smoothly is increasing my use of emotional intelligence skills. The MHS EQ-i 2.0 is a self-assessment that measures a person's ability to understand and manage their emotions and use emotional information (such as I'm mad, I'm elated, or I have butterflies in my stomach) in a way that creates the best outcome for the situation.

As a certified facilitator of the MHS EQ-i 2.0, I’ve seen people reduce their stress levels, improve their relationships and have stronger boundaries around how they let other people affect and treat them.

The MHS emotional intelligence survey and accompanying program is an outstanding platform to use to improve team collaboration as well as strengthen the abilities of your executives.

Reach out to me here on LinkedIn, or contact me through my website to schedule a complimentary consultation on how emotional intelligence can benefit your company and your team.