Managing Director Gives Webinar On Mute

NEW YORK, NY–Managing Director Chris Ader at Third Fund Partners delivered a 90-minute annual results webinar to his firm’s ten largest clients entirely on mute. “It should have been the best webinar ever,” Mr. Ader said. “I had my Grande Iced Sugar Cookie Almondmilk Latte, my teenage daughter’s Beats Solo Wireless headphones, my Ergonomic Innovations Tailbone Hemorrhoid Cushion, and my contrived bookcase background featuring the book spines for the past 25 Booker Prize for Fiction award winners. I even snorted two lines of Organic Sprouted Chia & Flax Seed Powder five minutes before the webinar started for an extra energy boost.”

One client said, “I couldn’t believe this asshole just kept talking on mute for the full 90 minutes. I figured he was either having a stroke or his assistants hate him so much that they wanted to see him fail.” Another client said, “After about 10 minutes I realized that I could catch up on back episodes of Bridgerton. It was god damn perfect.”

When told his clients reactions Mr. Ader added, “I closed the chat window and turned my phone off to conserve the battery. Despite the fact that nobody heard it, it was still the best damn speech of the 2020s. I’ve instructed our general counsel to begin legal proceedings against Zoom’s Mute Department.”