Managing Conflict with Emotional Intelligence

It takes two to tango. It's an old, overused phrase, yet one which still accurately illustrates the fact that conflict doesn't happen in isolation. Think of the last conflict you experienced. Was it about you, with you, against you -- or was another person involved?

Conflict is defined as a serious disagreement or argument. It can also be defined as an incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests, or, a word to describe when two people are at a variance. In more simpler terms, conflict means to clash. [https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/]

Do you clash with anyone these days?

A common way of dealing with conflict is to point the finger at the other person's misses, flaws, and faults. It's most likely the most preferred way of 'handling' conflict. However, you've probably discovered that finger pointing doesn't make the conflict go away, and sometimes, exacerbates it. Another way we deal with conflict is through control -- trying to control the other person. But try as you may, you probably realize it's nearly impossible to make someone else do/be what you want them to do/be. There's only one part of conflict you can control: you. Margaret Paul adds, "When it comes to control, it's important to remember that the only thing we actually have control over is ourselves, our attitudes, our beliefs, our behavior - our intent."

This should come as good news. It is tiring to attempt to control others. If you've tried it, you know what I mean.

“Attempting to constantly control everyone and everything around you is not only exhausting...it is also futile. The only real power you can achieve in this life is being in control of yourself.”

― Anthon St. Maarten

So, let's talk about the emotional intelligence competency of behavioral self-control as it relates to conflict. What is it, and how do you know if you're doing well with it, or struggling?

Behavioral self-control simply means keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check. It's not about not feeling certain emotions...or pretending they are not there...or stuffing them inside. It's actually about fully feeling emotions -- but not letting them have the driver's seat. Instead, we feel them then choose how we want to behave.

A controlling nature

Trying to control others is a primary hurdle to developing behavioral self-control. If it's always someone else's fault, and if only you could make the _____ (fill in the blank), where is the space for you to look at your own areas of improvement to make a shift. You may be thinking, that's not me -- I don't try to control others. What does a controlling personality look like? If you can answer yes to any of the following, you may be a bit of a controller:

• I usually think I am right in most disagreements
• It's important for me to be right
• I criticize others, either to their face or behind their back -- or in my mind
• I always have a better solution and offer it freely, even when not asked
• I clearly see others' faults, but don't notice my own
• I think things will be better if we do them my way
• I'm often telling others what they should be doing vs. what they are doing
• I have a hard time saying sorry (because I'm rarely wrong!)

[https://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/553/self-control-vs-controlling-self-and-others.html]

Sometimes having a controlling nature is a form of self-protection. Maybe you've experienced trauma where someone robbed you of your freedom or safety at one point in your life, and now, the only way to maintain any control is to control others. Controlling others may simply be a way to cope. If that's the case, no shame. Seek the help of a professional therapist or counsellor if this resonates with you to further explore what's going on.

“You always seek to control others when you are not in full ownership of yourself.”

― Cicely Tyson

Controlling rarely brings the relationship results we're looking for. Instead, focus on something(one) you can control...yourself.

People who shine in behavioral self-control

People who are strong in behavioral self-control are good at managing their impulsive feelings and distressing emotions well. They stay composed, positive, and unflappable even in trying moments. They restrain negative reactions and stay focused under pressure. They are self-aware enough to maintain their stamina and performance in emotionally-charged situations. Instead of being a victim to tough circumstances, they choose not to escalate a problem when attacked, provoked, or aggressively confronted by another.

While there are some people who have mastered this, most of us struggle with one or more of the above. Which one of those would you like to improve upon? What benefits might you experience if you were to grow in that area? Which of your relationships would it positively effect?

Raven Ishak says, "While you may believe that you can control a lot in your life, the reality is that you really only have control over one thing: your emotions."[https://www.bustle.com/articles/147204-6-ways-to-let-go-of-control-enjoy-life-more]

Think back on your last conflict. Which one of the above could have helped with the disagreement if you or the other person could have exercised more of it?

People lacking this competency

How can you tell if you struggle with behavioral self-control? You probably won't be surprised, but those who could grow in this competency tend to:

• React impulsively
• Get involved in inappropriate situations because they can’t resist the temptation
• Respond to problems in a non-constructive way (yelling, hurling insults, etc.)
• Are quick to anger
• Tend to be defensive
• May become angry, depressed or agitated when faced with conflicts and stress on the job (may even think of quitting)

Again, no shame here. We all have areas in which we can grow. If you could choose one to work on first, which one would you choose and why?

Development tips

Self-awareness is the first step to developing stronger behavior self-control. Once you've identified an area (from the list above) you'd like to work on, make a list of things that cause you to “lose it” – your triggers or “hot buttons”. Note who pushes those buttons most. When is the next time you will be in contact with them? Then, write out a strategy to deal with each of these issues the next time they arise. If you're struggling with ideas, consider enlisting the help of a social and emotional intelligence coach .

Having a plan of attack will help you to choose a more constructive response when issues come up in the future.

And while you do this, watch your self talk. That little voice in our head is really great at doing everything it can to justify poor behavior. Instead, tell yourself what it looks like to stay composed and calm. Describe to yourself what an optimal outcome would look like, and what you could do to achieve that. Then tell yourself you can do this.

That way, the next time you hear the phrase, "It takes two to tango", you can make it about dancing, and not about conflict.