Managing Conflict and Bullying Behavior in the Workplace
Ralph Kilmann
Co-Author of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI): Celebrating the TKI's 50th Anniversary Year (1974–2024)
I’m publishing this newsletter series to discuss the nuances of the four timeless topics for people and organizations: conflict, change, transformation, and consciousness. You can subscribe to never miss an article.
Recently, I have been addressing questions about bullying behavior in the workplace and how to use the TKI Conflict Model to help understand and better manage such difficult situations. In my consulting work, I have often had to counsel members and managers who were experienced as making life in the organization unbearable, dangerous, and fearful for others—usually by their extreme aggressiveness and sometimes by their extreme passivity.
Naturally, to present such emotionally charged discussions about bullying and troublemaking behavior in workshop settings requires the full support and cooperation of senior management (even in those cases when some of them have been identified as troublemakers or bullies). Bottom line: Hopefully, the CEO will realize that if “ordinary conflict” is very costly to the organization if not handled well (absenteeism, tardiness, distraction, poor decision making and problem solving, etc.), the costs for the more extreme forms of dysfunctional (pathological) conflict-handling behavior are even more debilitating for the organization and its members.
In a series of workshops throughout the organization, I discuss the five modes of conflict behavior according to those “normal” dimensions of (1A) assertiveness and (1B) cooperativeness. I then present the same five modes when those two dimensions are relabeled as (2A) aggressiveness and (2B) passive hostility. After defining and discussing these later more extreme forms of behavior, the five conflict modes take on a whole new light. Members in the workshops then come up with many examples of how any conflict mode when acted out by extremely insecure, angry, resentful, and unconscious persons can engender the kinds of interpersonal experiences that have been associated with bullying and troublemaking behavior.
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It is most enlightening when people in the workshop form small groups to clearly articulate how to tell when assertiveness becomes aggressiveness and when cooperativeness becomes passive hostility. The members also discuss what signs and signals can help people stop themselves and others from “accidentally” switching from (1) the ordinary—healthy—varieties of handling human conflict to (2) using extreme—unhealthy—varieties of behavior in those same situations.
In many of these workshops, I have found it extremely useful to discuss fundamental aspects of ego psychology (yes, in organizational settings!), so everyone becomes aware of how loathing feelings about oneself and repressed anger, rage, and hate from past violations can lead one to act out (release, displace) that past pain onto present circumstances. Just making this discussion PUBLIC in a workshop setting can do wonders to sensitize all organizational members that certain behaviors must be seen for what they are—and must no longer be tolerated…which becomes embedded in the “corporate culture.”
If everyone in an organization is made aware of the two different sets of TKI dimensions and is provided some practical material on ego psychology, it then becomes VERY UNPOPULAR for anyone to act out bad behaviors, which will then get them labeled as insecure, unresolved, and living out old wounds. It is also worthwhile to then develop a public policy on what behaviors will no longer be tolerated in the organization, now that there is public—cultural—knowledge about approaching conflict in dysfunctional versus healthy ways.?
Kilmann Diagnostics offers a series of?eleven recorded online courses and nine assessment tools?on the four timeless topics: conflict management, change management, consciousness, and transformation. By taking these courses and passing the Final Exams, you can earn your?Certification?in Conflict and Change Management with the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI).?For the most up-to-date and comprehensive discussion of Dr. Kilmann’s theories and methods, see his 2021 Legacy Book:?Creating a Quantum Organization: The Whys & Hows of Implementing Eight Tracks for Long-term success.
This is very interesting to me as all of your posts. I am writing a book about a highly controversial personality. Some may say his assertiveness is way too much and others are fine with it. The think I like is that he would be open to speaking about it and doing that live and in front of others. I think that is important because we all have behavior that sometimes is working and other times is not for us. I think healthy, honoring, respectful conversations and using TKI and other tools for the discussion is so very important. Thank you for keeping to highly these areas of concern for everyone. Mike
Thank you for the great information and expertise, Ralph. Happy to see you bringing this behavior into the spotlight and many leaders are acknowledging and addressing it. As a change management consultant for global organizations for the past 20+ years, I've both observed and experienced workplace conflict and bullying, in fact, in my book Invisible Forces at Work: What Causes Workplace Conflict and How to Grow and Thrive During It (on amazon), I describe a personal experience with it. However, the forms I see the most conflict and bullying in are more manipulation, e.g., sabotaging someone's work or reputation, leaving them out of important meetings and decisions, aligning other team members against them, and of course, many "untruths" being told. Which category would you place these behaviors in, since they are not physically aggressive or obvious bullying? Plus, they're hard to resolve because it becomes a battle of one person's word against the other. What are your recommendations for managing this conflict?I have your book, btw, and refer to it often!