Managers: If You Don’t Know These 5 Things About The People You Manage, You’re Doing It Wrong

If I had to predict your ability to succeed as a manager, I'd hinge your success on the quality of your relationships with the people you manage. Among the wide-ranging responsibilities of a manager, your primary role is to nurture your people and ensure your team is high-functioning (think: performance) and happy (think: retention). Sounds simple, but there's a lot to get right.

One of the best ways I know to jump-start a management relationship, or to reset one that has been in place for months or years, is to do a "Getting to Know You Coffee" in a very specific way.

Asking the following five questions is the approach I've taken with all of my direct reports and shared with countless colleagues and clients throughout my 20-plus years of building and managing teams. It's become even more crucial as remote management has increased.

Five questions to establish a relationship with the people you manage

Within the first week of managing someone new, schedule a video call with the subject line: "Getting to know you coffee" (or tea or chat). Set aside one hour for this. It may be one of the few unrushed times the two of you will ever have.

Most managers will do some version of a “Kick-off meeting,” but what I recommend to truly connect with the person you're managing is to ask the following five questions in this order:

1. Tell me your story

Whether you've worked with this person for years and they are now reporting to you, or if they're a brand new employee, it's amazing how much you'll learn. Prompt them by asking where they are from, if they have siblings, what they studied in school, their work experience, or anything else not divulged during the interview process. These questions help you get to know the whole person and demonstrate that you care about who they are.

2. How do you like to be managed?

The answers to this question are always insightful and give you a headstart at determining what does and doesn't work for them. Some say, "I don't know," or "I've never been asked that before." If they have difficulty answering, ask them to tell you about a manager they loved or disliked and why.

3. What motivates you?

Create a safe space by letting them know there's no wrong answer. Some people are motivated by money, and others by praise, career growth, learning, job security, or helping others. It's important to know what motivates them. If they don't know, it's your job to help determine their motivating force.

4. What are your goals?

The timeframe doesn't matter. It can be goals for this year, next year, or five years from now. Just get them talking about their goals. Is it to master this job? Save for a house? Reach a certain level in their career? Own their own business? Run the company? Their answer will give you insight into how they think about the role.

5. What else should I know about you?

Be sure to ask this question verbatim and then remain silent. What you'll find out from this open-ended question is invaluable.

Recently I've also been suggesting a 6th question: What would you like to share about your work setup at home?

How to respond to their answers

Feel free to share things about yourself during the conversation, but mostly listen. If someone tells you they grew up in Bethesda, Maryland, it's okay to say, "Cool! I have two nieces in Bethesda." But remember, this is about them. Save most of your talking until the end.

When they are done answering, it's your turn. Thank them for sharing and say something like: "I think we're going to work well together. Let me tell you a little about my background, management style, and how I like to work with people on my team." Go over your bio, what brought you to this job, things they should know about you as a manager, and what they should expect for ongoing check-ins – ideally, weekly one-on-ones.

What to do with what you learn

How you apply the information you gathered during this time is fissile material for making you a great manager. Here's what I mean:

The person who told me they couldn't stand managers interrupting them on Slack got few non-essential messages from me.?

The person who told me she was the youngest in her family and always felt she was missing out on information would get lots of "FYI" updates during our one-on-ones.?

The person who told me she needed clear direction and understanding of the goals, coupled with the autonomy to deliver on them, got exactly that.?

The young sales rep who told me she loves the color pink found a box full of pink trinkets, notebooks, and pens delivered to her home the first time she hit quota at her new job.

Double down on the relationship

As the pace of work quickens and interactions become increasingly transactional, sharing a moment of human connection is a gift to both you and your team members. Establishing a solid relationship will pave the way for what's next: connecting the dots between motivation, goal-setting, and accountability.

I love teaching these skills to groups of managers. Contact me at?[email protected]?to book a ManagerBASICS workshop for your company. If you’re a manager and your company doesn’t offer a program like this, sign up for one of our upcoming cohorts.