Managers Need to Feel Heard Too

The experience of guiding a fractured team, where the noise of discontent often drowns out harmony, can be profoundly isolating. Two conversations — with a dedicated employee and a therapist — shed light on this reality, underscoring the need for leaders to feel heard.

Rebuilding Trust from Within

In one small, hundred-person section of the US Government, trust between executives and staff had broken down. Workshops facilitated by external consultants revealed deep-seated issues. Cathy (as I’ll call her), a scientist in this department, spearheaded a volunteer group to delve into staff grievances and bridge the chasm with management.

This group, known as the "engagement council," comprised twelve staff members who created a sanctuary for frequent and candid discussion. This empowered council members to speak about issues with clarity and depth.

Despite the council's efforts, tangible change was elusive. Many members grew disheartened, but management valued the initiative. For them, it was a rare opportunity to understand staff concerns and feel understood themselves.

Cathy came to appreciate the vulnerability management displayed, acknowledging the fear they overcame to engage openly. She explained, “Some conversations helped us see each other as humans, as people struggling against numerous constraints. Sometimes, we could see clearly that the real story didn't match the assumed ‘story’ we had been telling ourselves: It wasn't that the managers didn't care or were hyperfocused on their own agendas; they were dealing with more barriers than we knew and coping with sleepless nights.”

Though the council eventually disbanded following a departmental reorganization, the experience left a positive imprint on Cathy, equipping her with skills in effecting social change and forging stronger organizational ties.

The Silent Struggles of Leadership

To gain a broader perspective, I consulted Sam, a psychologist with a clientele that includes top executives from major corporations and universities. She recounted how disengagement, burnout, and "quiet quitting" among staff profoundly impact her clients' well-being.

These leaders confided in Sam about the relentless pressure to meet unrealistic expectations, the anxiety and panic that ensue, and the lack of recognition from their superiors. They felt helpless, unable to foster a caring environment, even as they understood their staff's dissatisfaction with a disjointed vision and lack of purpose. As more than one client expressed, staff feel that their only purpose is to “make money for a soulless, faceless corporation”. This resulted in an environment of competition, blame, and a toxic work culture.

Some leaders attempted to shield their teams from external pressures, but this came at a significant personal cost. Others internalized their frustration, growing cynical and disillusioned, even in their personal lives.

Sam often advised them to step away from their toxic environments, telling me, “They’re so lonely. It’s so sad.” She explained how their work challenges leads to distancing in other relationships. At work they have their guard up, retreating inside themselves. When they come home they’re still in that mindset … “defended” … and it’s hard to open up and be vulnerable. Over time they find it harder and harder to relax and lower their guard, resulting in more distance from family and friends. And so, their relationships suffer.

Inclusive Belonging Starts at the Top

Cathy's and Sam’s accounts reveal a crucial truth: managers are as vulnerable to the toxic environments they oversee as their staff. Efforts to foster belonging must encompass everyone within the organization.

Starting at the top is essential. If leaders themselves feel disconnected and misunderstood, they cannot cultivate an environment where staff can thrive. Leaders must confront their own disconnection, understand what fosters their sense of belonging, and work towards improving organizational culture. Only then can they engage authentically with their staff and create a truly inclusive and connected workplace.

Cartoon by Hartley Lin, from The New Yorker, June 14 2021