Management Articles Series – 5 Constructive Confrontation

Different stereotypes

Management style stereotypes indicate that the British are more conservative , formal than the Americans , who are more blunt & informal .Though we inherited British systems , our aspirational journey is towards American style & yet our cultural rooting & upbringing does not permit us to be as brutally blunt .

?Objective here is not to discuss merits / demerits of any style, but to provide a cultural backdrop to our discussions on Constructive Confrontation to help understand factors for different people behaving differently .

?We are more British Americans

Americans are more individual ( self ) centric – conscious of protecting individuality ; which probably makes them more forthright & blunt . In contrast , Indians like most Asians , have a cultural upbringing of a??‘ Family?orientation ‘ which makes individual ( self ) interest subsidiary to that of the ‘ Family unit ‘?-- which makes us more circumspect & conscious of our ‘ behaviour ‘ in public .?Aspects of ‘ looking after ‘ & ‘ caring for ‘ are supposed to be more intrinsic than aspects of question and push back – or more reconciling / forgiving than confronting( ‘ hurting’ ) ‘type’ .

?Factors for avoiding Confrontation

I see two factors behind our tendency ( or preference ) to avoid a direct confrontation :One is about Semantics , other is Cultural

To begin with we mistake ‘ confronting’ as ‘ fighting ‘ , or ( may be in worst cases ) getting physical – which it is not . It probably may also imply a sense of enmity – current or prospective !

Many times situations you’re required to ‘ confront ‘ are difficult , unpleasant ; in the least undesirable ! ?While there is no explicit bar on using the word otherwise – I’ve not seen the world ‘ Confront ‘ being used in a pleasant or mutually amicable scenarios ( e.g. we never say ‘Confront Joy or celebrations’ )…. Which probably explains a kind of a ‘ negative flavour ‘ we may be associating with the word Confront .?

Cultural factor builds on this mistaken semantics – our understanding of our cultural past is that , as a community we are not aggressive , conquering/overpowering , denigrating , overriding or trampling on anyone . We see street fights , getting physical as undesirable and unpleasant ?

What is Confrontation

In reality , to Confront is to Face ….whether an issue , a challenge , a person , a situation etc

However we may like to disown – but confrontation is much a reality in life ! e.g. at home our child is either misbehaving or is falling short on academic progress or say the house we have rented in, has some problem & the house owner is refusing to repair .

Confrontation is necessary when things or behaviours don’t happen as expected ,or when someone is willfully making things difficult for us …

To not confront or intervene at the right time is not just allowing further degeneration , but giving misleading signals to others about our acceptance or tolerance of such deviations . Hence while confrontation is intended for course correction , in the least it is an explicit expression of our disapproval of the way things are going ?

Avoiding confrontation – Context

In ‘ Asian ?‘ cultures like ours , we avoid confronting - Going up to the person to question or face up to a difficult situation is not the easiest of things for us to do ?; because ( we feel ) we don’t want to ‘ hurt ‘ anybody. We are more conscious of our exterior image -- ‘ What other people will think of me ‘ , if I ‘ fight ‘ /confront ?someone . We want to preserve an image of a non disruptive / non ‘ controversial ‘ person . Probably we equate Confronting with a ‘ Street fight ‘ & feel it’s a behaviour?‘ not for a decent person like me - that’s not how?we’ve been brought up?.

?Natural tendency for things we do not ‘ feel comfortable ‘ , is to avoid?, even at the cost of substandard outcome or discomfort/ inconvenience to self . It also leads to stress from an inner tussle of having to live with sub optimal outcome --much against their desire & acceptance level – just because we didn’t confront at the right time . .?

Non-confrontation helps No one

At the end , how does ‘ non confronting ‘ help . It helps neither the organization , nor the individual concerned , not even the ‘other person’ . By not speaking out, we deny advantage of an useful feedback to that person who in our opinion is falling short?.?

Beyond the futility of not confronting ; the mind frame that believes that confrontation is bad – which is the root cause , need to be challenged .

Confrontation is not ‘ Fighting ‘?, it is not about blaming or even about politicking ( ideally ) - confrontation is Not Negative !?

By not confronting , we deny an advantage to our colleagues & to ourselves . It’s possible that a person who’s ‘ causing ‘ us a discomfort , may just be ignorant of our discomfiture & that he’s causing it . By not telling him so on his face we’re not only not giving him a chance to correct but also working on an assumption that he’s willfully causing us discomfort , which can only lead to distrust & further degeneration .

In any case , do we believe that just by avoiding confrontation -- or closing our eyes , the problem ceases to exist?? ?

Another disadvantage of avoiding a confrontation is internal stress built up , which is potently harmful to our health. Most of the people who avoid confrontation , do so against their own desire -- they’d like the situation corrected , but don’t do it ; to not affect ‘ peace equilibrium ‘ at work place?. In the process they feel very dissatisfied with themselves --they let the discomfort build inside them ; which has a disruptive effect on behaviour & builds tension behind the fa?ade of assumed peace ‘ equilibrium ‘ -- which in turn aggravates internal stress build up . ?

Confrontation is positive

Confrontation is a tool to push for better performance , it’s about challenging levels which are sub optimal –it’s about being demanding , insisting on nothing less than acceptable levels .

In a home situation would we not challenge our child to do better in studies or in sports , if we feel he / she is performing below potential .

From my grassroot experience I’d strongly recommend that we face up to the situation , go up to the person/s concerned & discuss what is needed …clear all doubts in our mind . Not only will we feel?‘ relieved ‘?but in most cases the ‘ problem ‘ gets resolved?& contrary to our assumption , it DOES NOT?‘ spoil ‘ our ‘ relationship ‘ with the other person . On the contrary , in my experience , being upfront , strengthens the relationship, in most cases. The person may / may not like us , but he / she will certainly respect us for our sincerity & for not holding things in our heart .?

Constructive confrontation

It is true that some people use confrontation with political , even vicious intent – as a technique to disrupt or destroy our work and us . Hopefully , majority is has clean intent , which prompts me to use a ‘ qualifying’ phrase -- Constructive Confrontation .

Like constructive criticism , confrontation too can be a potent tool to help & build capabilities & much contrary to popular belief , to build healthy relationships & healthy organizations?!

If there is still some remnant hesitation in some of us ; why not begin with experimenting Confronting Self –challenging self?. That’s even more potent & inspiring?!??