Man Hunting That First Date
Welcome to the world of dating. If you've never entered this domain, you may wish to drop to your knees and give thanks to Saint Casanova. The sad fact is that it can be very brutal. It often leads to pain, remorse, depression and in extreme cases a gallon overdose of Ben and Jerry's Pecan Cookie Crunch.
Dating is important to get people out of their house and socializing. Otherwise, you're alone, staring in a glass of wine hoping to get a glimpse of your future Prince Charming. "Vino, vino in the glass. Find me a man with some class. Vino, vino in the glass. Please don't bring me some jackass."
The first step towards dating is to actually find a date. This is often thought to be the most difficult part of the process but, in reality, is the easiest. Why? There's no pressure. The person you're seeking has no clue of who you are. He has no idea that you parade around your house, naked, and singing show tunes while making up half the lyrics. Not knowing anything about a person opens a whole new world--the wonderful world of lies and deceit, things like “I’m a very tidy person, I eat like a bird” and “I love exercising!” Deception is never a good way to start off relationship. It’s just helpful in ensuring that second date. Lying made be bad but it is the key to a long-lasting relationship.
This practice of tactful embellishment is an extraordinary art form used by both sexes. It can create an unemployed male manic-depressive alcoholic into a multimillionaire who likes to just enjoy an occasional martini on board his yacht. Women are just as guilty. The ever so meaningful phrase, "You're the nicest guy I've ever met" usually translates to "You'll do, 'til someone better comes along."
The first date is the most crucial aspect towards the longevity of the new partnership. For a woman, it’s important to make a good impression right away. They understand most men are shallow and will focus on petty flaws like guzzling beers or releasing a rumbling belch after your meal. After meeting your dream date (either through a mutual friend, online dating, or spray painting your number on a billboard) you must now coerce the male into asking you out. (This is done by flirting, skimpy attire, or sheer groveling.) The male should expend a lot of time planning where your first date will take place. The environment in which the date takes place is important because it determines whether you'll see that person again. If he brings you to Fanny's Fat Burgers -- take a rain check on the next date. Especially if he stuck you with the check.
Once you're on the date and your anxiety has subsided, usually as a result of the six Harvey Wall banger’s you had prior to him picking you up, the personal questions begin. "Do you have any tattoos, diseases, or jealous psycho ex-boy-friends?" Your response, hopefully, "No." Your turn. "How 'bout you? Do you have any abnormal fetishes, outstanding credit card bills, and/or convicted rape charges?" Remember, two outta three ain't bad. If the man is really trying to impress a woman, he will keep the fact that he still lives with his mother a secret. He can always reply later, "I could've sworn I told you I lived with ma."
After dinner, you have a good idea whether you like the person sitting across from you. If the person is no longer sitting across from you than they probably didn't like you. But, let's assume the date went well. He told you how successful he's doing in the stock market. He made you laugh. He picked up the bill without borrowing your Visa. And to top it off he drives a nice BMW. There’s a lot of potential there.
On the drive home you make idle chit-chat. He tells you about meaningless trivia while pointing out places where he and his best friend Pinky used to bond over a case of beer. You laugh as if his moronic childhood memories appease you. Soon you find yourself contemplating whether you should ask him in for coffee. You change the subject to what a beautiful rainy drizzling night it is. He agrees while plotting to himself if the "Do you mind if I come in and pet your cat?" line will get him in the door.
At the door, you both revert to idle chit-chat until someone breaks the tie with "I really had a good time tonight." A positive response could lead to a kiss goodnight. A negative response could lead to a lonely night of classic movies, ice cream and a bag of chips topped off with Bon-bons. You decide to hold off on the kiss because you don't want to come across easy not to mention you were unable to sneak a breath mint when he wasn't looking.
After seconds of mulling over the number of dates you've had in the last three years you invite him in for coffee. He replies, "I don't drink coffee." You then suggest that he at least come in and pet your cat, Mr. Sprinkles. He vanishes into a vacant room and you overhear him say "Don't forget to leave the door unlocked." You quickly pull the glass away from the wall and sit seductively on the couch. He hangs up the phone, sniffs his armpits, and appears in the doorway. "Nice place you have here" he states as if he really gives a damn.
You proceed to describe the pain and torment you encountered routing through wallpaper samples to match the flame stitched cascading drapes. He suggests hanging a picture in the dining room of four dogs playing poker. You both laugh but have no idea why. You decide not to bring up the exhaustive struggle of choosing tile patterns for the foyer and simply ask him if he would like a glass of wine-- knowing full well you have no wine. He responds, "Sure."
Soon you yell from the kitchen, "I just remembered, I'm out of wine. Would you like some Tangerine Blend?" He answers back, "Sure. Whatever." You come out of the kitchen reiterating that you forgot you didn't have any wine, however, you add the rhetoric that you gave it to the neighbors as a house warming gift. After all, by no means do you want him to think you're some kind of "booze hag."
You're now both on the couch laughing about some person you mutually dislike, in this case, Oprah. The booze has kicked in. Soon you are comfortable enough around him to show him some of the silly dance moves you do when you're home alone. After hours of small mindless chatting you realize time has gotten away. "It's getting late," you sigh. "Yeah, I really should be going," he responds. You both agree that you've got to get up early because you have a big day tomorrow. Little does he know your big day consists of three loads of laundry and an hour of Oprah.
You walk to the door and say your farewells. He starts the bidding off with "Well, I'm really glad I met you." You smile and cleverly say, "Me to." He calls your bluff and raises the bid to "Can I see you again?" You bat your eyes and in a coy manner responding, "If you want to." A hush fills the room and the two of you gulp in unison. Your palms become wet and your mouth dry. Thoughts explode through your mind. "Is he gonna kiss me? Should I kiss him?" and "Where the hell are my Tic-Tacs?"
With your head slightly cocked you gaze dumbfounded into his eyes. You notice a small pimple on his forehead lingering around his receding hairline. For the moment, you choose to ignore it. (You're just thankful he's not sporting a cold sore.) His face slowly inches towards your face. You can’t help but wonder how you look, up close. Is it scary? Oh well, a kiss is just a kiss--unless, of course, the person is a lousy kisser. Then, a kiss is just a nightmare… and a bottle of Listerine to kill all germs.
As the four lips unite in imperfect harmony you feel your body become numb. You soon realize that it's a result of him squeezing you too tight causing an abatement of blood circulation. Nevertheless, it still feels good--at least up to the moment he bites your lip. This is usually followed by a whispered, "I'm sorry," then a slight murmur or groan to signal that the kiss may now resume.
Sometime during the kissing excursion, the mouths will drift open and the tongues will meet. Many times, only one mouth will part only to find pursed lips waiting on the other side. This is not the time to use your tongue as a car jack, or even worse, a battering ram. (It is usually a sign that means "Do Not Enter" not "Full Speed Ahead.") You decide to invite his tongue in to admire your molars.
A footnote; The French kiss is so named because the French hate everything. They have always demonstrated their dislike by sticking out their tongues to express disgust (sometimes using the word "pig" as a follow up). For unknown reasons, this turned on the French women. Since then, the French have used their tongue for everything--except to say a kind word.
During the wet, sloppy lip-lock, you find yourself enjoying it. He is not like the others who tended to explore your esophagus, work out on your tonsils, or better yet, dig a root canal. His kiss is soft and wet like a baby's behind. However, you're too uptight to enjoy it because you fear that you're slobbering too much, and it might just turn him off. (This is known as saliva phobia.)
During the kissing process several things are usually occurring simultaneously. His arms are around you. Your heart is pounding. And, your left hemisphere is fighting with your right over whether you should ask him to spend the night.
The internal conflict over inviting a man to spend the night is by no means an easy battle. The first impulse is always "yes" then you reflect on past experiences. You recall men who talk while they snore. You recollect a concussion you received when being accidentally shoved from your bed and landing on the floor. And, you remember playing opossum as he nudged you to go another round. You continue to contemplate because you know in your heart--he's not like the others. "I just know he'll call again," you convince yourself.
You conclude the lip locking process by stating "I think you should go now." He picks up his coat, wipes his mouth, and fixes his hair. He clears his throat and whispers, "Maybe you're right." You're disappointed that he didn't respond, "Are you sure?" However, you're glad because that would most likely start another blood bath between the right and left hemisphere. He leans over and gives you a quick peck good-bye. Your eyes become crossed and you exhale the word "bye."
As he walks towards his beautiful car, you realize that this is the man for you. He's has everything your looking for, at least that's what he told you. You feel bad about not mentioning your five children. You figure you'll break it to him on the second date. A little while later you find yourself upstairs doing your best to squeeze out of the pants that you have no clue how you got them on.
On the other side of town, your dream date has arrived home and is pounding on the door screaming, "Come on ma, unlock this damn thing! I'm not sleeping in the car again." No, he isn't because, right now, his car is being repossessed for being eight months behind on payments.
As you snuggle into your bed, you sigh and mutter to yourself "I think I've finally found the man of my dreams." He is back at his place, looking in the mirror................