Man, 53, Can’t Focus on the Positive All the Time. Not This Year.

I had a blow-up last weekend that took me (and my family) completely by surprise and it’s finally woken me up to the mental health challenges each of us has been trying to endure since Lock Down started.

Each week you see me extolling the importance of focusing on what we can control and putting a brave face on this (mostly) stinker of a year!

Well last weekend it caught up with me – I found myself guilty of having ignored, denied, repressed, and disregarded too many of the small but incrementally frustrating things that I’ve not been able to do this year that have slowly chipped away at my patience and I lost my cool.

At first I could not understand why a couple of (truly) trivial things had pushed me into a fury until I had calmed down a bit and done some journaling, reflecting on why I was so upset and irritable.

Only then did I see in black and white just how many of the things I am used to doing and things I love to do have been taken away from me this year (and from you too, right?) – and even more so as the summer has turned to winter. I feel a bit silly to list these things because they pale next to many people’s hardships this year, but it doesn’t soften or negate my frustration and anger – or yours.

I’ve rationalised away and blocked out my challenges without having acknowledged them.

And it’s been a very revealing week because everyone I tell my story to responds as if I’m exhuming one of their own ghosts.

Have you bottled up too much this year?

A friend I walked with today told me he thought his head was about to “explode”. Even when I texted him the invitation to get together (after I had ‘exploded’), he thanked me profusely and said he feared he was “losing it”. He talked about bouts of depression. A client of mine was so out of sorts this week that we set up extra time today for him just to talk about what was troubling him because he couldn’t understand what was going on. I was reminded of the phrase ‘sometimes people just need a good listening to’.

One client I shared my weekend blow-up with said that his company team meeting on Monday (November 2) had started with news that a colleague in the New York City office had committed suicide in front of his own workmates that morning by leaping from the 32nd floor. I found the headline:

Man, 53, jumps to his death from a Midtown Manhattan skyscraper.

It was impossible not to notice that the ‘man’ was the exact same age as me.

Divorces and substance abuse have skyrocketed this year. Many people have added the Covid 30 – 30 extra pounds in weight. A mental health crisis is imminent in communities most hit by Covid – and I’m sure far beyond that. But, sadly, these have been mostly statistics beyond my bubble of existence. Until now.

Over the weekend I realised I must journal every day even if only for a minute or two just to be better in tune with my feelings – that lacking this self-awareness at the moment is hazardous for me and my loved ones.

I also realised I must talk to more friends again – not having been able to meet them for coffees or drinks in months. I called two and have spoken to two more this week. It has felt so good. We need to know other people are feeling the same way and hear about their own challenges. It provides us a healthy perspective as we try to cope with something none of us has any experience with.

Of course we are feeling bothered by this intensely challenging time!

No, I don’t have the answers either, but I urge you to brainstorm a little about activities that will help your mental health as well. What can you do to feel a bit better?

1.    Air out your frustrations to people who will listen - not to excess but at least process all the things bothering you.

2.    Start some tiny habits that are just fun even if it’s only a few minutes of music, comedy, exercise, meditation, journaling, venting, dancing, hobby pursuing, chocolate-eating etc!

3.    Lean on your faith if you have one. Knowing you’re not in the driver’s seat all the time can be reassuring.

It’s okay to be upset and frustrated.

It’s okay to acknowledge you don’t have all the answers.

Get it out of your system in the healthiest way you can.

Then return to doing your best to accept the present, since so much of it is beyond your control and all the alternatives to fighting the present reality are futile.

Then return to focusing as much as possible on what you can control hopefully now with a few more tiny habits that help you keep your mental health.

Copyright Matt Anderson, 2020