Man 2.0

I did it. I quit. I've torn up my Man Card and canceled my membership in the Distinguished Alliance of Male Networkers or DAMN. Didn't know such a thing existed did you? It seemed like such a good deal for a long time, but as I grew older I became aware of some unintended consequences resulting from my membership in DAMN. Members of DAMN are generally good, caring guys (and I mean guys, with the XY chromosome pair). The vast majority of them are well-intentioned and caring. I still have DAMN friends. But like everyone else, many of my buddies and I at DAMN have blind spots, especially as they have to do with XX chromosome-defined beings.

Here’s my story. I've been a DAMN member most of my adult life, though my recruitment began as a child. From my earliest memories I recall subtle and overt messages that alluded to the many benefits that awaited me upon entry into DAMN. As a DAMN member I was told I would have special privileges like not having to wait in line to go pee (sorry, use the bathroom). I would never be asked to get coffee at a meeting. Taking notes in a meeting is not expected of those privileged to be in DAMN, and members are precluded from doing yard work unless it involved a high-horsepower, combustible engine. The DAMN membership pamphlet promised that non-DAMN members (i.e., women) would take care of those and other related tasks. "Cool," I thought as a 10 year old.

At my first DAMN meeting, held at a golf course, which by the way is the preferred venue for member meetings, I was given the DAMN Handbook. It was our daily guidebook and operations manual. Developed over many centuries by courageous, testosterone filled men, no others were to see the secrets inside the covers of the handbook except DAMN members. Filled with wonderful advice, it guided my entry into adult life. Especially helpful, so I once thought, were the Five DAMN Commandments.

DAMN members shall…

1)   Be aggressive and tough. Emotions shall not be displayed as they are a clear signal of weakness. Exception: Members can show emotions if there is a ball around. For example, if there is a football, soccer ball, basketball, baseball or puck (if you reside in Canada) within 100 yards, DAMN members can laugh, cry, hug, even kiss (but only on the forehead) and pat one another on their rears. Exception to the Exception: Volleyballs only count men are playing and Ping Pong balls definitely do not count.

2)   Compete and win at all costs. Competition shall be seen as an outcome-oriented endeavor. There shall always be a winner and a loser (sometimes many losers). Second place shall be deemed the first loser. No DAMN member shall compete in events in which EVERYONE receives a ribbon, trophy, medal or any other shiny object for merely participating.

3)   Always speak in the language of sports and sports analogies. At least once a day, DAMN members are to reference sports and or/use sports phrases in conversation with others. Examples of appropriate references are: “He hit a home run with that idea,” and “There are no mulligans with this client.” Exception: Ping Pong references and phrases do not count.

4)   Know only 7 colors, plus or minus 2. The core colors being Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Gray, Black and White. Colors shall not have adjectives in front of them as in, “Forest Green.” Exception: Adjectives indicating “degree” may be used as in, “light blue” or “dark red.” Another Exception: Certain adjectives used to describe exquisite automobiles are allowed as in, “Candy Apple Red.”

5)   Never ask for directions. Enough said.

In addition to the Five DAMN Commandments, my DAMN Handbook described special privileges afforded to members in good standing. For example, I would only need a small vocabulary of words (approximately 200) because members are men of action. Talk is weak. We do. We fix problems. And when no problems exist we have an inherit right to create problems so we can fix them, you know, be MEN! Long ago when DAMN members fixed something, they got to grunt and beat their chests. Today, members get designated parking spots near their corner office, and are allowed to act disinterested in meetings, especially when non-DAMN members are speaking.

DAMN members are recused from listening to anyone who begins conversations with phrases like, “So what do you all think about that?” or “How do you feel right now?” And “Let’s play ping pong.” Moreover, it’s perfectly permissible (and even expected) to talk over another person. Members are not required to wait until others are finished with their sentence or thought before providing comments. Members can have side conversations whenever they wish. DAMN ideas have priority. Members’ “poop don’t stink,” if you will.

Our motto? You guessed it, "DAMN it!" It's used whenever anything goes wrong, and imparts blame on someone else. For instance, if I’m at a party and I somehow spill my drink, I am expected to exclaim, "Damn it!" and glare at someone, anyone, nearby. Another example; a member will shout "DAMN it!" if such member finds himself in a car accident. However, it must only be said when he gets out of the car and others are around to be blamed, not immediately after impact when he is all by himself in the car.

The DAMN Handbook is filled with lots of stuff like that. I loved that book when I become a member, but over time, it didn't seem right to do the things that the DAMN Handbook suggested and even required. It didn’t seem fair to blame someone else when I was at fault. It didn’t seem fully healthy to disregard and downplay the importance of things like empathy, caring for and mindfulness of others – stuff the DAMN handbook called “touchy-feely” and “warm and fuzzy.” I began to recognize that being a member of DAMN required me to, in many ways, be only half human at times (maybe not even that much). In fact, over the course of many years I've come to see that some things that were required of me and other card carrying DAMN members didn't square well with my sense of right and wrong. It certainly didn’t align well with my belief that non-members (i.e., women, and others) are just as capable, talented and valuable as any DAMN member, especially in a 21st century world.

What pushed me over the cliff to help me recognize the potential harm of the expectations and requirements of DAMN membership? Two words - my children. I do my three sons (Nicholas, Zachary and Jacob) a disservice if I model to them the old, worn out model of what some call masculine behavior – a model that, in many ways, prevents men from utilizing half of their humanness. Such a model overemphasizes things like aggressiveness, emotionless action (NOTE: humanly impossible), and physical prowess while underemphasizing things like emotional well-being, empathy and communication and relational skills. And I do my daughter much harm if I, in some way, signal to her that girls and women are second class citizens who are not worthy of the privileges and benefits that we men have given ourselves for many, many years.

Are all men as I have implied? Of course not, but my work takes me to environments where I encounter many men who still operate under a 20th (and ealier) century male model – a model that urgently needs a 21st century makeover. And unfortunately, many of those men are in leadership positions. Fortunately, I have also come across many men who do not ascribe to the tenets of the DAMN Handbook, and understand that a 21st century world will require men (and women) who have a balanced combination of what many think of as feminine and masculine attributes. Denying the former or the latter attributes results in an incomplete human being.

My man card is torn up. Man 1.0 is dead. Long live Man 2.0. With that said, I will still find it difficult to ask for driving directions. Old habits are hard to break.