The Makings of Grit, Growth, and Empathy: How to Find an Abundance Mindset After Surviving Abuse and Trauma | A Letter to Survivors and Our Allies

By Phylicia I. Teymer

No longer hidden behind my strong and smiling face – Like many of you – I am an abuse and trauma survivor. A survivor of unexpected life-changing hardships who has found hope after despair. A survivor who found the healing power of nature and gratitude in the fight to shift perspective, and sees the opportunity in helping others in their darkest of days – who has discovered how to move from a scarcity mindset to one of abundance – and through sharing my pitfalls and learnings, which have allowed me to find my purpose, I hope to empower us all to help shift the narrative and improve outcomes for survivors at work, and everywhere, through discussion, connection, and partnership between survivors and our allies.

For fellow survivors, my wish is that through this journey together -- you look deep within yourselves to KNOW YOU ARE WORTHY and YOU ARE ENOUGH, that you discover you have the mental fortitude to meet and greet life’s challenges, confront your truth, & manifest your future onward –

?For our allies leading diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging (DEIB) programs, team leaders, or those in Human Resources, who may be wondering about the unseen barrier that may have been unknowingly impacting your leadership pipeline – I encourage you to consider the upcoming narrative, including the recommended training areas I’ve included that may help many unknown survivors in your organizations to grow and thrive.

Join me as we shift the narrative together --

If you read my prior article on “Rediscovering My True North: Navigating Change, Working Motherhood, and The New Sandwich Generation”, you’re familiar with the more recent part of my journey – but after a series of a few serendipitous discoveries of motivational messages, including that of Brene Brown’s latest Dare to Lead podcast episode on the “Heart of Leadership” with Founder of RARE Coaching & Consulting, Aiko Bethea , and Best-Selling Author of “Inclusion on Purpose”, Ruchika Tulshyan – along with a late night listen to Tedx Speakers, Gabrielle and Brian Bosche, on the topic of “Why Your Purpose Is Your Permission” , I was compelled to dig deeper, into the highly vulnerable spaces on topics that are very uncomfortable, often unseen, but necessary to discuss, to find the places and create the spaces where we feel seen, heard, and ultimately, where WE can belong.

As a woman, who for the majority of my career has continued to learn and grow throughout various roles in corporate America – I realized the further I moved up the leadership chain and experienced the many hurdles women in the workplace often do – there was a deeper part of me hitting areas I realized I hadn’t fully processed and addressed at that time.

The Common, Often Unseen Obstacle Called Abuse

Abuse is one of those areas many of us have experienced, but few have reported or spoken about. There are over 10 types of abuse, ranging from physical, domestic, and sexual abuse to financial, discriminatory, and institutional abuse to name a few.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by a partner[1] – and according to David Finkelhor, Director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys are victims of child sexual abuse.[2]

If I were to stand in a conference meeting room, the likelihood is very high of me being able to look to my left and right and unknowingly see a fellow abuse survivor.

If we’re talking about barriers facing women (& men) in the workplace – abuse is often an unseen or unspoken about barrier, but should be considered in leadership development programs, whether people self-identify or not. It’s time to shift the narrative.

I’ll admit – going to this very deep level of vulnerability in admitting I was abused at a young age and experienced trauma like many – is scary, especially in a corporate environment where those things are typically never referenced for fears of labels, discrimination, gaslighting, and much more – but if we’re going to shift the narrative, we have to come out of the shadow and have a discussion.

Addressing Abuse’s Hidden Barriers in the Workplace & How Leadership Programs Can Help

Remember when I mentioned the further I rose in leadership – there was a deeper part of me hitting areas I hadn’t fully processed yet?

Fellow survivors – Have you ever found yourself stuck in a scarcity mindset, which may have been brought on by past trauma and abuse?

Ask yourself – Have you ever:

• ???????Found yourself doubting your choices – with a next-level self-criticizing talk due to internalized shame from trauma or abuse?
• ???????Found yourself becoming the ultimate “people-pleaser” to avoid conflict due to trauma’s impact on the need for self-preservation?
• ???????Found yourself having a harder time setting and defending your boundaries for internalized fear of traumatic response from others? ?
• Found yourself with ‘perfectionist tendencies, to go the extra mile at the expense of your own well-being’ because being “good” was a coping mechanism and kept you from further abuse or trauma in the past?
• ???????Found yourself becoming the “go-to” for many things – and having a harder time with the ‘art of saying no’ due to past internalized fear from trauma – and thus potentially having “kindness” taken advantage of by others at work?
• ???????Found yourself with increased anxiety when handling conflicts with those who may be unknowingly similar to those who created trauma or caused abuse in your past? Or who’s constant push against your ‘no’ response, triggers more traumatic response due to past abuse – especially if you were sexually abused?

I imagine many of you survivors may have answered yes to some, if not, all of those statements when reflecting on past moments at work or in life. This is where connection with our allies can help (in addition to some healing power of nature & finding abundance– we’ll briefly discuss later).

Dear DEIB, HR, and Team Leader Allies,

Please take a moment to review the statements above and think about how your organization considers these in leadership training of up and coming leaders in addition to your current leadership teams. I’d also ask you each to dig deeper into what your top and solid performers often have in common that resonate with the statements above??Consider how you can help pave a way for all to have a chance to learn to lead, and create a culture of belonging - despite if they’ve experienced trauma or abuse.

How DEIB & HR Leaders Can Help Create More Inclusive Organizational Leadership Development Programs

Consider Programs That Focus on “Building Confidence & Self-Esteem”

Abuse can often take a toll on one’s self-confidence and sometimes cause one to second guess themselves more easily. Considering Harvard Business Review’s article on “How Confidence is Weaponized Against Women” there’s often a tightwire women walk everyday, regardless of abuse, in being considered either too-confident or not confident enough.[3] It can make confidence harder to gain and quicker to lose.

Add in “Leading Through Anxiety”, “The Beauty of Failure”, and “The Art of Saying No”, Training Classes

Abuse, I’d argue, can make survivors more likely to have to overcome being ultimate people-pleasers, have to dig deeper to resolve conflict with less anxiety, and require more training on how to overcome imposter syndrome. You’ll also hear great leaders often say no, more often than yes – choosing when to say no and setting healthy boundaries are important to staying focused, productive, creating clarity, and aiding well-being. The art of saying no takes on a whole new meaning to an abuse survivor and leader – especially when it’s met with continued angst, pushback, and those who like to push people’s boundaries, which are common in leadership with many pushing for priority. These leadership development trainings can be exceptionally helpful to survivors, and your overall workforce.

Although I slowly built my confidence throughout the years by trying new ideas at work with teams, and further pushing the boundaries in many areas, I found if I failed, my confidence took more of a hit – I found myself going round in “what if” circles – it wasn’t until I worked with my executive coach, Stacey Luces , who helped me dig deep to identify my core values, to focus on the things within my control, to make small shifts in my actions, to find my voice, and build a plan to create a purpose-filled life path which aligned to my core values – where I found my self-confidence rise and my self-worth was no longer defined by my job, or what others thought of me – but how closely my work and everyday actions aligned to my core values and purpose in life.

Healing by Nature: How Nature Can Help You Explore, Process, & Find Abundance

Ever heard of nature therapy or forest bathing? I hadn’t until recently and what I started to realize was that long ago my curiosity and desire to explore the great outdoors was perhaps an innately attuned way to process and heal my early-years of trauma and abuse – Among many articles on this topic,

According to TIME Magazine’s article on “The Healing Power of Nature” , studies show nature can: Reduce stress and anxiety, lower blood pressure, improve mental outlook, lower cortisol, improve immune system function – and additional studies have linked nature to reliving symptoms of health issues like heart disease, depression, cancer, attention-disorders, among others.[4] That may also partially explain my interest in sustainability – because why wouldn’t we protect one of our most natural and FREE healing elements available?

Survivors, there’s a steep uphill climb required to reclaim your self-worth, to accept, forgive, and have compassion and love for yourself – and to find gratitude despite life’s circumstances. While I’ll illuminate ways nature can help, I’d also recommend therapy through your healing journey. (Allies – Please know therapy isn’t a negative – but rather a great step in survivors finding their way to live on and thrive. It shows courage, initiative, and resilience – Let’s all help remove the social stigma associated with therapy.).

Using nature to heal, isn’t made up, but rather a proven method. A scholar, Dr. Theodore Roszak, who studied at Princeton University, and taught at Stanford University, created the concept of Ecopsychology, which views the wellness of human beings as being connected to the natural world[5] . Through this, Dr. Roszak believed well-being could be improved with intentional interaction with nature – and he’s not the only one. There’s several concepts, such as “Grounding” (walking barefoot in nature), Horticultural Therapy (working with plants), among others [5]. The gifts we receive through communion with the outdoors include spiritual peace, positive surrender of control, feelings of connection, and a new sense of empowerment (Mitten & Dutton 1993)[6]

While encouraged to think like an entrepreneur in various work settings (and boy do I have a BIG dream in this area) – Here’s some steps you can take today in either in your own backyard, local park, nature preserve or botanical garden –

Building Connection with The World Around You & Practicing Mini Meditation

• Take a mini stroll (footwear optional if desired). Quiet your thoughts – Focus on deeper breaths – Shift your attention on the SOUNDS you hear around you,
• Focus on what you physically FEEL (ie: The wind, the heat, rain drops, the unique feeling of grass, mud, or rock under your feet),
• Consider what you SMELL (crisp fall air, earthy air, tacos (in Austin that’s possible)),
• What do you SEE around you? (colorful changing leaves, dormant or vibrant trees, running water),
• TASTE a sip of water --- After you’ve connected with sound, touch, smell, sight, taste– it’s time to dig a bit deeper.

Finding Ways to Practice Generosity, Gratitude, and Reflection

While on your stroll –

• ?Consider one generous action you can take that week. Could you thank someone in your life? What random act of kindness could you do for a stranger? These don’t have to cost money.
• Think deeply about 1-3 things you’re grateful for that week.
• Reflect on what’s important to you and a large goal for your life (Dream Big, even if it initially sounds outrageous). Consider one action you can take to get closer to that large goal. Know that you are worthy, enough, and if you don’t know the way yet to achieve the goal– that you can seek answers from others (& Google/YouTube/Your Network)

Once you’re back to somewhere safe with access to your phone/tablet notes, write down your thoughts, consider the actions you can take that coming week. Monitor your thoughts – if you discover self-limiting thoughts (ie: but I don’t have access to this, or I don’t know xyz) write down what you’d need and begin researching it. You’ll find small actions build momentum and can empower you to think BIG and explore ways to achieve. It’s okay not to have all the answers, but you can seek ways to tackle the obstacles – whether it’s through reading, googling, asking your professional & family network – there is a way. It’s through knowing you are the master of your mind – that much is possible if we open ourselves up to being curious, open to new ideas & researching ways to achieve them, putting in the work, and not being afraid to ask for help – which helps shift us to an abundance mindset.

Shifting the Narratives – At Work, Home, and Beyond – It’s up to all of us

Surviving abuse and trauma shouldn’t be used as a victim-blaming vice that makes it appear survivors are somehow unfit to lead – but rather, we as survivors are leaders who often have to dig deep to persevere and thrive – who know grit, because it’s what has allowed us to get out of bed and persist despite life’s obstacles, we know empathy, because we’ve not only had to have it for ourselves to keep moving forward – but it’s those hidden experiences which allow us to have more empathy for others.

I consider one of many leaders I admire, such as Founder and President of the Children’s Defense Fund, Marian Wright Edelman, when she said, “It’s hard to be what you cannot see.”[7] I don’t know many abuse survivors yet, let alone in corporate America – but given the statistics – and knowing the rate of unreported acts, I believe there’s many of us out there. I consider children, adolescents, and adults – who’ve experienced abuse and traumatic moments in life – who may wonder if the world will accept them – will they have opportunities to rise and shine and make their way in the world. I’d like US to show and tell them, Yes they can and will.

Dear Fellow Survivors – Know that WE ARE WORTHY and WE ARE ENOUGH. We have the mental fortitude to meet and greet life’s challenges, confront our truths, treasure our values, & through some of the steps above I hope you feel you have an opportunity to manifest your future onward using nature to center and dig deep within yourself to explore what’s possible and take action –

?Dear allies –?I hope this has helped you consider another perspective to diversity-- the diversity of experience – even the experiences many may never reveal. I hope you can use this and future dialogue to consider how to evolve your DEIB/HR programs so that they help many unknown survivors in your organizations to grow and thrive. I am open to connecting and sharing ideas --- and am exploring ways to build my public speaking to help organizations shift the narratives and create leadership development training programs that consider this often unspoken, but common experience.

?

And to end with a couple portions of the outstanding poem, “The Hill We Climb ”, by poet, Amanda Gorman, “We’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace, and the norms and notions of what “just” isn’t always justice. – “When day comes, we step out of the shade of flame and unafraid. The new dawn balloons as we free it. For there is always light, if only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.”[8]

Sources:

[1] “NCADV: National Statistics.” The Nation's Leading Grassroots Voice on Domestic Violence, https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS.

[2] “Child Sexual Abuse Statistics.” The National Center for Victims of Crime, https://victimsofcrime.org/child-sexual-abuse-statistics/.

[3] “How Confidence Is Weaponized against Women.” Harvard Business Review, 20 Oct. 2022, https://hbr.org/2022/10/how-confidence-is-weaponized-against-women.

[4] Sifferlin, Alexandra. “The Healing Power of Nature.” Time, Time, 14 July 2016, https://time.com/4405827/the-healing-power-of-nature/.

[5] Health, INTEGRIS. “Can Nature Help Heal Trauma?” Integris, https://integrisok.com/resources/on-your-health/2022/august/can-nature-help-heal-trauma.

[6] Mitten, D.M., and R. Dutton “Outdoor leadership considerations with women survivors of sexual abuse.” Journal of Experiential Education, Recreation, and Dance 16(1)(1993):7-13

[7] Marian Wright Edelman Founder and President Emerita. “It's Hard to Be What You Can't See.” Children's Defense Fund, 17 May 2018, https://www.childrensdefense.org/child-watch-columns/health/2015/its-hard-to-be-what-you-cant-see/.

[8] Jljenniferliu. “Read the Full Text of Amanda Gorman's Inaugural Poem 'The Hill We Climb'.” CNBC, CNBC, 20 Jan. 2021, https://www.cnbc.com/2021/01/20/amanda-gormans-inaugural-poem-the-hill-we-climb-full-text.html.