Making things happen and learning to walk again after a massive stroke - internal & external locus of control

Four months ago, on 24 August 2015, I had brain surgery. Something I was, in a weird way, actually looking forward to as the intention was for it to cure me of the epileptic seizures I started having 7 years ago. It was supposed to be a fairly simple procedure. In on Monday and back home again on the Friday with recovery mainly consisting of rest, holiday and lunches with my girlfriends. It was supposed to be the new start of the rest of my life.

I don't remember much from the first two weeks after the surgery but I do remember, very bright and clear the moment I realised I couldn't move anything on my left side. I eventually learned that at some point during the operation, for whatever reason, I'd had a massive bleed that destroyed the connections the brain uses to send signals to your muscles and my entire left side, face to toe was paralysed. For the first couple of weeks I had to be hoisted out of bed into a wheelchair and I felt completely powerless. I called myself 'a blob in a chair'. And then I realised something had to change. If I ever wanted to walk and function again and really, just to stay sane, I had to take back control. I had to stop feeling things were happening to me and I had to make them happen again. One of the first ways of doing that was ordering food from the menu that I could cut with one hand, like chicken and vegetables rather than steak or bread that others had to help me with. It may seem like a small thing, but to be able to do something myself without having to ask for help was huge at the time.

I then started looking at more things I was able to do and began focusing on positives rather than paying attention to what I couldn't, yet, do. I went back to my pre-hospital habit of writing up five things I was grateful for at the end of every day. Just five things that happened that day that made me happy. Could be something small, like a nurse who brought me fluffy towels or something big, like being able to move part of my body again. With my newly found control of small things, I found positivity and with that came control of bigger things. Three weeks after the bleed, and with some great physiotherapy, I was able to stand independently. I then decided I would walk by Christmas. I was told there was absolutely no chance that would happen, and it would have been so easy to go back and feel powerless again. After all, I was still in a shitty situation; my arm wasn't functioning at all, I was dizzy and nauseous all the time and there was lots of pain on my right side, the so called good one, because of overuse. In all fairness, I considered it. Blaming the world sounded good. And easy. And then I remembered the words of Kurt Vonnegut: "Of all the words of mice and man, the saddest are 'it might have been'". And I took control again.

On Christmas Day, 25th December, as I said I would , I walked into my apartment. Was it perfect? Absolutely not! But I walked. And I did so because I made the decision not to blame the world and let things happen to me but to make things happen. To decide that I'm in control of how I respond to the events in my life. As the wonderful Maya Angelou says "you cannot control everything that happens to you but you can choose not to let it reduce you".

So, as you go through your day, ask yourself what your locus of control is. Do you feel things are just happening to you or do you take control over your response and feel you're making things happen? It's easy to blame the circumstances. Your manager doesn't understand, your target is too high, the commute is too long and really it's 'just not fair'. We all do it all the time. I'm still tempted to have a pity party at times. And you are allowed to. Just don't stay in that state, cause once you do, it leaves you feeling powerless and miserable. As soon as you feel empowered again, even over the smallest thing, you will start feeling better and then the big things will follow. Currently I'm in the Rehabilitation Hospital and I still have a long way to go. My goal is to walk out of here, using nothing but a stick, by April and to be able to functionally use my arm. I believe I can make this happen and if I can't I will choose not to be reduced by it!