Making Sense of my ADHD and Realizing its Value

I originally intended to write this post and publish it during Mental Health Awareness Month in 2022, but, you know how it is… (and bear with me here because this is the whole point of this post)… I plan it all out in my head, open the laptop, spend an hour or so deciding whether to write it in Word or Google docs, or perhaps in Markdown, then I wonder if there have been any updated Markdown editors in the last year or so - best check it out! But wait … I wrote my thesis in Latex back in 2012, probably it wouldn’t take too long to install Tex on my Mac and give it a spin again, for old time’s sake. Come to think of it, I used to develop in Emacs and there was that markup format that I had the idea to start building another static site generator for back in 2014, that other time I was planning to write blogs regularly…. What was it called again? Org Mode! That was it! I wonder if that is even a thing any more?

90 minutes later and it has escalated to the point of seeing if I can still write a macro in some long-dead dialect of Common Lisp... And then the internal monologue kicks in - “what would you even write that could be of interest anyway? What are you thinking - writing a blog about ADHD and putting it on LinkedIn where any prospective employer can see it and make a mental note to find a reason never to hire you? You are supposed to be a professional data scientist and you can’t even write a couple of hundred words for a social media post…”. Finally I look up, the house is in darkness, the family went to bed hours ago. It’s 1.30am and I remember I need to get up at six to take the kids to school before that big presentation I need to give first thing at work…

So… I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago, in my early forties. The diagnosis was at once a revelation (Suddenly there was an explanation for seemingly my whole childhood hearing: “If you just applied yourself, if you just put some effort in, you could achieve so much” and failing to explain that I was trying, desperately, but that my brain felt like a car stuck in the mud, furiously spinning its wheels, going nowhere and creating a mess) and a gut-punch (So that’s it? You’re broken. Try as you might, you are stuck with this - there is no “well”). For a long time it floored me. The hodgepodge of varyingly effective and sometimes unhealthy coping mechanisms I’d employed over the years to compensate and ‘fit in’ were exposed and I struggled now being, medically, “Neurodiverse”.?

Since then, I’ve come more to terms with the condition, and see it from either side:?

ADHD is a disorder that challenges many aspects of life. It makes it difficult to focus on boring, day-to-day? ‘maintenance’ tasks; the lack of dopamine in the system forces you to rely on emotion, stimulation, stress to get day-to-day tasks done, and these heightened emotions sometimes come out at bad times - in a meeting where others just can’t see the point you are trying to make, it can feel like a personal affront, triggering endless spiraling rumination; Impulsivity - unchecked comments or even facial expressions and a mischievous tendency to say things just for effect can alienate some in difficult meetings! Being super-engaged, fizzing with confidence, eloquent and present one day and distracted, withdrawn, hesitant and uncommunicative the next (Really it should not be ‘Attention Deficit’ but rather ‘Attention Inconsistency’!).

But it is also a gift. That feeling of flow when I can hyperfocus on solving a complex programming? problem quickly and elegantly; In brainstorming and strategizing, the exhilaration of approaching situations in non-linear ways, forming connections across domains to gain new insights and uncover wonderfully creative solutions? - almost physically feeling that new connection forming between the neurons in the brain; The drive to learn more and understand better. The joy of mentoring and of that moment when you know that insight has been passed across.

I’ve started to make more sense now of why I could win the prize for top PhD thesis of the academic year at my University Department but comprehensively fail to book my car in for a service until it actually breaks down; why I can research, design and build a new ML process to address a perennial business problem over a weekend, but I have a backlog of easily-resolved code refactors I don’t even want to look at; why I can spend hours researching everything I can lay my hands on about a new interest, having dropped the last one without a backwards glance.

Therapy, medication and meditation help. Boring or unstimulating chores are at least possible, if not enjoyable and now I generally do not have to procrastinate to the point of crisis before getting? them done. And I recognize that sometimes I need to just do nothing for a while to let my brain stop spinning so fast - and I do not have to judge myself for it. I have that space - a breath or two to catch myself before bluntly saying that opinion to that person in that meeting.

Most importantly I have confidence that I have real value, at work, at home, in life generally to contribute. My ADHD is part of who I am - always will be, but it doesn’t need to define me. I can work with the negative side and celebrate the positive. It is part of what I can offer in a role that makes my contribution unique, part of what got me to where I am now - and I wouldn’t change it for the world!

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Around 5% of adults in the UK and US are thought to have ADHD, whether they know it or not. In the tech industry that percentage is likely to be considerably greater. The health outcomes for untreated ADHD are dire - a far higher likelihood than the general population to have other mental health issues, be a victim or perpetrator of crime, abuse substances, be obese, have driving accidents and just to die of any cause… the list goes on. But therapies for ADHD are amongst the most effective in all of psychiatry. In many people's experience, the toll on your perception of yourself, your self-worth, in response to ADHD symptoms is just as damaging as the symptoms themselves.?

Your workplace almost certainly has people with ADHD and other neurodiverse conditions. They are making huge contributions and solving problems in creative new ways. That diversity (neuro- or otherwise) is hugely valuable for your organization, and should be celebrated. There are also simple accommodations that can be easily made either by individuals or organizations (look ‘em up!) that both encourage and sustain that contribution, whilst mitigating some of the challenges neurodiverse people face. At the end of the day we are just people. All of us, with our own strengths, weaknesses and who may not react the way you would expect in the same situation.?

And that’s OK.

#mentalhealth #ADHD #neurodiversity #datascience