Making Sense of Grief, COVID-19, and Being Resilient Through Adversity

So far 2020 has been a mixture of highs and lows for me. Starting with the high of my book launch and TEDx talk both at the end of January, to the low of losing Joy (one of my best friends of 32 years) to breast cancer some 4 weeks later. Then to the pandemic we’re now experiencing and the country being on lockdown.

Add to that, the sudden and unexpected death of Sarah, my cousin’s 36-year-old, healthy wife, which occurred 3 days after visiting her GP with a sore throat and flu like symptoms 2 weeks ago (the cause being attributed to acute bacterial epiglottitis).

Different to what I normally write about, writing this article is as much for my benefit as it is for yours as I find writing cathartic in making sense of life events. Helping me to pick sense out of nonsense.

The worst might just happen

With the increasing number of deaths to COVID-19 across the world, we’re now getting close to the stage where in my network, everyone knows someone who has been affected. Many people are worried and scared, and rightly so because we are in unprecedented times.

When filled with fear, we are often asked ‘if the worst was to happen what could you do?’ Invariably, an examination of the worst possible scenario and what we could do helps us to put things into perspective. We realise that the worst might not even happen and if it did, we are incredibly resourceful and can find a way to get through.

But if the worst was to happen in the present climate, it could ultimately result in death. That of ourselves or a loved one. This is a stark reality that could possibly come true.

Death is a topic that many fear and don’t like to talk about. But not talking about it only contributes to us fearing it so much. It is that fear of the unknown. We like to be in control of our circumstances, and we like to know what is around the corner. Death is something that is beyond our control, but it is something that will come to all of us.

We are less fearful about things we are familiar with

Making the things we fear more familiar helps us to feel less fearful about them. In September when Joy was told she only had a few months to live, she said to me she was scared. I couldn’t tell her ‘don’t worry, you’ll be ok’ as we so often do when someone is scared, because the reality was that she was going to die.

What I did was ask her if she wanted to talk about the things she was fearful of. I told her getting her fears into the open, putting them into perspective, and looking at how they could be addressed might help to make it less scary. So that is what we did and went through them one by one.

I believe that getting our fears out into the open is the first step to take in overcoming them. Talking about them with someone you trust can help to give perspective on your situation. And in these unprecedented times resulting from COVID-19, talking about our fears can help to give us some perspective.

But how can we take the fear out of death?

By accepting that it is a natural part of the life cycle and talking about it more openly. We expect to live a long life and die at a very old age, but the reality of life is that things happen that are beyond our control. 

It is ok to be fearful

It is ok to be fearful about bad things happening, but if we worry and stress about the things outside our control, we only make things worse for ourselves and those around us.

Acknowledge how you feel and allow yourself time to grieve over what it is you are going through. You might need professional support by way of counselling and if that’s the case, make sure you find someone from a trusted source.

Your fear during this current time might be financial or it might be concerning your job or your business. Whatever your fears are, I encourage you to talk about them with a trusted confidant. Seek advice from reliable sources so you are knowledgeable about what your options are.

Sometimes just talking to family or friends and them simply listening without offering advice or sharing their experience can help to work through the emotions.

Come to terms with your new normal

If things are beyond your control and you cannot change them, coming to terms with your new normal will enable you to enjoy yourself in the moment. Another friend was diagnosed with breast cancer and told that because the cancer had advanced, the only treatment would be palliative.

She could have wallowed in her diagnosis, become filled with despair and hopelessness. But she didn’t. She chose to accept that this was her new normal and decided to make the most of her life as it was. She embraced life and started doing things that gave her joy. She told me she is at the best place she’s ever been in her life, living each day to the full.

We have a choice in how we respond to the adversities in life. We can choose to let them keep us down, or we can choose to acknowledge them, accept them and pick ourselves back up. Life may be different after, but we can still have a beautiful, meaningful life.

Get curious 

In adversity there is opportunity, however you will only see it if you get curious and go and look for it. Amid this pandemic I am optimistic. Rather than focusing on what is going wrong, I’m curious about the opportunities that may arise going through it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not walking around in rose tinted glasses. The reality of the past couple of months ensures that. There are moments where I remember Joy and I am filled with sadness and I allow myself time to reminisce over the memories. But I don’t allow the sadness to consume me and take over. And despite the current uncertainty hanging over me as a micro business owner in this climate, I am optimistic and hopeful.

I am saddened by the increasing number of people losing their lives to COVID-19, concerned that it is getting closer to home and the effect it is having on all our lives and the economy. I am amazed at the scarcity it has instilled in some, resulting in panic buying and altercations over toilet roll. And I grieve for the people who have lost their lives to it.

There is hope for tomorrow

However, through it all I am still hopeful. Hopeful that something good will come out of this. Signs of which we’re already starting to see. Over the past week I have seen communities come together to support each other, and an increase in community spirit not seen for a very long time. We are seeing a positive impact to the environment as a result of the lockdown and less pollution in the air. The unity we saw across the country last night with #clapforourcarers was emotional.

With so many people now working from home and working differently, I see new ways of working and doing business and the old model of working will evolve as a result. I see new, innovative businesses developing as people look for different ways of doing things and for solutions to problems that arise.

Exercise faith

Over the course of the illness, Joy developed faith in God. Before she started her first round of chemotherapy, we went shopping for wigs (in preparation for when her hair fell out) and she wanted to buy a Bible.

As a Christian myself, I encouraged her to turn to God and read the bible to help with her feeling anxious and scared. As her health deteriorated, her faith in God increased. So much so, she went from being scared about the prospect of having just a few months left in September; to getting baptised the following month; to the week before her death, telling me she felt at peace.

It is my faith that enables me to feel at peace in the midst of the current crisis. If you are a person of faith, now is the time to put your faith into practice. The peace that comes from it will carry you through.

In times of adversity how we respond to it will determine how we get through it. We need to be realistic about the adversity whilst maintaining optimism and being hopeful.

How do you deal with adversity? Please share below because it might help someone else.

R.I.P. Joy and Sarah

About Me

I am the Coach for High Achieving Introverted Women, an Executive, Career and Leadership Coach. I help quiet women to thrive as leaders. I also help organisations to get more women and BAMEs into senior leadership roles and provide workshops, training and talks on personal development, career development and leadership development.

If you are a high achieving introverted woman in a senior leadership role, join my group of high achieving introverted senior women here. All other introverted women who are leaders or aspiring leaders can join my group for high achieving introverted women here.

My book Quietly Visible: Leading with Influence and Impact as an Introverted Woman addresses many of the challenges that introverted women face as leaders and shows how these challenges can be overcome and is available here.