Making the Pain of Change Easier

Helping People Change: Coaching with Compassion for Lifelong Learning and Growth by Richard Boyatzis, Melvin Smith, and Ellen Ban Oosten (HBR Press, 2019). Reviewed by Steve Gladis, October 2019.

Overview: Helping people and teams find their future ideal vision—discovering their dreams, passions, values and purpose—unleashes their intrinsic motivations that lead to real, authentic, lasting change. People engaged with a compassionate coach, focused on that ideal personal vision, experience positive and motivating thoughts, feelings and actions. And they tend to sustain their journey toward their vision with the help of resonant relationships with a coach or supportive significant others. This book is founded upon Boyatzis’ foundational Intentional Change Theory and based on extensive research and coaching practice.

1.    Coaching for Compliance vs. Coaching with Compassion. Compliance coaching (default coaching) is geared to solving problems—an “externally defined objective.” Such coaching is full of should-dos and ought-to-dos and “rarely leads to change, nor does it push people toward an ideal future.” However, coaching with compassion focuses on intrinsic personal motivators based on a future vision of the ideal self, a process far more likely to be sustained well beyond the coaching experience.

2.    NEA vs. PEA. When coaches, friends or colleagues ask negative or strictly goal-changing questions—not linked to an ideal future state—it will arouse the sympathetic nervous system and negative, fight-flight hormones. We call that compliance coaching and coaching toward the Negative Emotional Attractor (NEA). However, when coaches, friends or associates ask positive future-based questions, the parasympathetic nervous system engages and gives off positive, relaxing hormones that calm people down and light up their passions. We call this coaching toward the Positive Emotional Attractor (PEA) or compassionate coaching. People in the PEA are most likely to be open, creative, and inspired to do the hard work of change.

3.    The Personal Vision—Dreams and Goals. “Put simply, a personal vision is an expression of an individual’s ideal self and ideal future.” It’s about our dreams, which are connected to our deepest values. A compelling future vision engages our dreams, passions, and values, then takes purpose to action and inspires us to do the tough work to get there. To start this process, ask the person being coached: “If your life were ideal 10-15 years from now, what would it look like?” This puts the person in the PEA, which allows them to dream about the future—a state of mind that helps clients and coaches respond and relate to each other—positively and in a supportive way.

4.    Coaching to the Personal Vision. It’s best to begin coaching by having people write out their personal vision statement. Goals that are strictly performance-based tend to engage the NEA, creating obligations—oughts and shoulds. However, learning-based goals (rooted in the PEA)—motivated by acquiring skills to serve a current or future vision—lead to better performance. Here’s a good activity to create a personal vision: List 27 things they’d like to do or try in their lives (think bucket list). Try to group them into categories of career, family, health, travel, community involvement, spiritual health, financial well-being, etc. Then post them in group settings and do a gallery walk and to see other people’s vision statements. Conversations that include both professional and personal identities often result.

5.    Transforming the Organization. To create a culture of coaching, people must learn coaching skills. Three approaches help spread organizational coaching. 1) Use peer coaching—teaching people of equal status, especially leaders, how to coach each other in pairs. 2) Provide both internal and external coaching by certified coaches. 3) Teach coaching to senior leaders and encourage them to use it to develop their direct reports. Again, coaching toward the ideal future self/vision puts the client in the PEA and makes it more likely for them to learn and achieve. Coaching brings out the best in people, especially when focused on development, not necessarily compliance and task orientation. When organizations embrace coaching, the culture changes and people change—for the better.

6.    Moving Forward. At the end of the book, the authors offer several potential forward-dreaming ideal states for parents, managers, coaches, health-care workers, and counselors. Here’s what one manager’s vision might look like as an example.

For the manager: “Your people are excited and engaged in their work. They feel a shared sense of purpose. They are innovating and adapting to changing market conditions and customers’ needs. They feel that you are connected to the needs of people and are committed to their development. You invest in their growth and advancement. You provide exciting and novel projects. Your people not only want to stay in your organization, but also wish they had more time to spend at work. They are so excited that they’ve formed peer-coaching groups in which they reality test, help each other deal with problems, and envision a better future. In fact, the entire company culture has changed, with everyone contributing to one another’s development.”