Making An Impact: Interpersonal Effectiveness

?“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” ― Jackie Robinson

Everyone has the ability to influence others, and actions -- words and behaviors -- serve as a guide to those who are watching. Dr. Tim Elmore, founder and CEO of Growing Leaders, says from his research that even the?most introverted person will influence at least 10,000 people in their lifetime.?Other data ?shows that those lean toward extroversion may impact upwards to 80,000 individuals!??

If this is the case, wouldn't it be an excellent goal to become very aware of how you are impacting others?

Author and keynote speaker Tommy Spaulding, in his book, The Gift of Influence , proposes this question: "What if, at the end of your life, you get to meet all 80,000 people you influenced? Would you serve them differently?"

Those of you who are working hard to inspire your team, help in your community,?encourage your friends and family members are most likely influencing others in an effective manner. Well?done. But how do you know for sure if the impact you think you're making is the impact you're making?

"To a degree that we seldom realize, we depend upon the participation of others in our lives, and upon our own participation in the lives of others." ― Roy Wagner, Author

Interpersonal Effectiveness is a competency of emotional intelligence which can serve as a key to understanding the nature of your influence on others. It's the ability to tune in to?others, demonstrating compassion and sensitivity in your interactions. Those who are good at this are able to put others at ease, build rapport with all kinds of people, and exhibit diplomacy and tact.

Those with this skill set understand appropriate behavior in social situations, pick up on social cues, and respond in a way which strengthens relationships (instead of tearing them down). And they're not faking it! They take a genuine interest?in others -- not because they know they are supposed to, but because they really care. They want to know who people are, how they think and feel, and understand the whys behind their thoughts and actions.

On the other hand, those who struggle?with this vital competency of emotional intelligence are often described as being a little "rough around the edges". They may be nicknamed a "bulldozer", or are?labeled as "difficult". Conversations with them can be uncomfortable, often leaving you looking for an exit or escape route. Those who struggle with interpersonal effectiveness can come across arrogant and tend to give a lot of advice without being asked. They probably are poor listeners, and you can tell they don't really care what you are talking to them about. They don't ask open-ended questions and tend to do most of the talking in conversations anyway. They struggle with empathy and can be disrespectful and hurtful in their interactions with others. They often "miss" in social situations and don't pick up on social clues...or if they do, they ignore them.

No shame if this describes you. One of the most encouraging aspects about emotional intelligence is that you don't have to stay stuck where you are. Emotional intelligence competencies can be learned and developed, with some awareness, hard work, and a good coach ?walking alongside you.

If you're not sure if you possess interpersonal effectiveness skills, see how many of the following you can answer an emphatic YES to. In other words, do the following behaviors show up for you in your day-to-day life, often and consistently? Better yet, ask those closest to you how many of these behaviors they notice you exhibiting on a regular basis:

• You have excellent listening skills, and can readily understand the emotions behind people's words or actions?
• You ask rich, open-ended questions, and really listen to the answers
• You let others tell their stories, and are OK with doing more listening than talking
• You find common ground with others so they feel comfortable right where they are
• You withhold judgement(s)
• You interact naturally with others, sincerely, and lovingly
• You are quick to mend relationships when misunderstandings occur
• You demonstrate good conflict resolution skills
• You are appropriately authentic, open, and honest
• You are able to show empathy

There's a good chance that if these behaviors are common for you, you are influencing others in a positive direction. Again, well done. Yet, even if you are strong in interpersonal effectiveness, there is always room to grow. Or, this may be an area of growth for you. Either way, there is improvement to be had. Once you've assessed how much development you need in this area, here are some suggestions to?start building powerful influencing skills:

• Self-awareness is key.? Aristotle once said, "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." Become aware of your strengths and areas of growth when it comes to connecting with others. Lean into your strengths and commit to working on those growth points. A social and emotional intelligence assessment can be very helpful in establishing greater self-awareness.
• Learn to listen, actively and deeply. Make a point in conversations to learn about the person and ask rich, open-ended questions...and listen to their answers. Take notes if you need to, to help you focus and remember. If needed, read a book or take a course, or work with a social and emotional intelligence coach to develop your listening skills.
• Do more asking than telling in your conversations.?If you want to impact others in a positive way, you'll need to know and understand them. This is tough (if not impossible) to do if you're busy telling, telling, telling. A simple check is to notice who?is doing most of the talking in your conversations. Remember, a?healthy conversation is full of give and take, back and forth...a two-way street!?
• Withhold advice unless you're being asked for it.?We are all so eager to tell others what they should do. For some reason it's far easier to see "solutions" for others than it is for ourselves! However, solving problems for others doesn't allow them to develop and grow. Something to keep in mind is that, even if someone says, "I don't know what to do!", they usually have it within themselves to figure it out. Ask questions to help them come to the answers they need, empowering them to?use their strengths.
• Try not to be threatened by differing viewpoints and opinions, complaints, and frustrations. If the other person is talking, even if they are pointing a finger at you, they are expressing their emotions and their feelings. Sure, they may be reacting to what you've said/done...but when they are talking, it's really not about you. It's about them. Allow them space to feel the feels and express them, and do your best to not get defensive. Easier said than done, I know. But doable.
• Notice how others react to you. Look into their eyes, their faces, what they're doing with their arms --? their body language -- when others are around you. Do they look like they are enjoying the conversation, or are they squirming to get away? Do they lean in or are they backing further and further away from you as you speak? Do they look interested or bored? Are you making them nervous and uncomfortable, or putting them at ease? You won't be able to glean this valuable information unless you stop to notice. This "other awareness" allows you to make adjustments in your communication as needed.
• Tune into the emotions and feelings of others.?We call this social intelligence. What emotions are driving their words and behaviors? If they're not telling you specifically ("I am feeling so angry right now!"), learn to read between the lines. Imagine what they might be feeling in a situation such as this, based upon what you know of them and the situation. Better yet, ask questions to? comprehend what?they are truly trying to express.
• Validate what others are experiencing.?Talk show host Oprah Winfrey said in her final episode, "I've talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation... I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire." This can be hard to do if you don't agree with what the other person is saying. But it's not about agreement. It's about validating how someone is feeling...and everyone deserves that.?Some great responses for this are, "I can see why you would feel that way", or "It makes sense that you'd feel that way."...even if you don't share the same views or beliefs.
• Be authentic and share openly -- with appropriateness. Authenticity is attractive. Share your reasoning, the 'method to your madness.' But stay appropriate. While it's good to share your why's, be attuned to your audience and careful not to overshare.? If you're not sure if something is appropriate or not, ask yourself these 3 questions: 1. Does this need to be shared? 2. Does this need to be shared by me? 3. Does this need to be shared by me right now??If you're not sure,?bounce your ideas off of a trusted friend or colleague first.?
• Ask for feedback. A bold move in developing your interpersonal effectiveness is to ask others for their input as to how you're coming across. This can be done in conversations, or you can use a formal 360 assessment to gather input. The latter can be helpful if those participating wish to stay anonymous.
• Be positive. People are drawn to those who express realistic optimism, even when things are tough. We're not talking about toxic positivity, or pretending things are OK when they're not. This is about remaining optimistic and resilient, even in the face of hardship.
• Bring some fun into your interactions. Research shows that laughter releases endorphins -- the feel-good hormones -- into the bloodstream, soothing tensions and improving mood. Sharing a laugh with others is connecting. Just make sure your humor is appropriate to your audience, and always, always, always respectful.
• Understand that each person you interact with is unique. I know this is obvious, but how often do you forget this when in a heated conversation where you're wanting the other person to agree with you? Respect is at the core. A DiSC profile ?can help better understand your own style of communicating and understanding the style of others, better equipping you to respond in a way which is connecting and empowering to others.

If this list seems overwhelming, just start with one, and focus on doing more of it in the coming days and weeks, until it becomes a habit and/or way of thinking. Celebrate your successes?as you move forward remembering that long-term growth takes effort, consistency, and time. Remind yourself along the way that increasing your interpersonal effectiveness so you can impact others positively is well worth your efforts!?

“I will pay more for the ability to deal with others than for any other ability under the sun.” ― John A. Rockefeller