Making friends a top priority

Redundancy exposes the jagged edge of an organisation. The sudden change in tone, hushed conversations, consultation periods, ultimately resulting in colleagues quickly exiting. A company needs to evolve to maintain relevance and growth - but the business rationale doesn’t make this any less challenging to deal with.

It hurts because it threatens our core human drivers. Firstly, we read redundancy as “I’m no longer valued” – my skills, experiences, loyalty, is not an asset to this business anymore. Secondly, the ability to make a choice has been taken away. “Your role is at risk” instantly removes the power we take for granted to decide when it’s time to move on. And thirdly, the very acute realisation that you might not work here anymore – the daily rituals, purpose, status, friends all linked to a job and workplace are in jeopardy. The feeling of rejection is intense and the risk of not belonging again feels very real.

Wired to socially connect

Experiencing belonging feels good and there’s scientific reason for that. Social connection triggers our brains to release oxytocin, a hormone producing a happy feeling. Whilst often associated with bonding between parents and children, it is activated by social bonds at any stage in life. It’s also addictive – the more we feel this the more we want it – and conversely, scientists say it can also elicit feelings of jealousy and suspicion if there is threat to the dynamics of the group. ?Historically, social belonging has resulted in survival; those threatening the tribe being left for dead, literally. Throughout childhood and in education belonging is both actively sought, i.e. in attachment with children, and used to manage poor behaviour through exclusion. Feeling and creating belonging is a highly sought-after prize and in many ways a life’s work.

It’s no surprise, therefore, that even the word redundancy can stimulate our fight or flight response system. Our brain moves to high alert. The amygdala releases cortisol (a stress hormone) which moves throughout the body spreading the message of danger – pupils dilate, heartrate increases, breathing gets faster, adrenaline is released – our bodies get ready for the next move: To stay and fight or flee to safety.

When the herd turns

An unavoidable side-effect of belonging to some extent is that others are excluded. This starts early on in socialisation, as children develop friendships and begin to measure enjoyment through being part of something bigger than themselves. This extends to habits, use of language and in-jokes – defining the character and norms of the group. I am already beginning to be cast aside into my daughter’s (aged 6.5) out-group! Whilst this is an inevitable part of her growing-up, in other scenarios, being on the fringe can be exceptionally tough and unfortunately for many is a common experience. Social Identity theory suggested that the groups we belong to give us a sense of pride and increased self-esteem. It says we go on to develop prejudiced views through dividing the world into ‘us’ and ‘them’ by exaggerating the similarities of the in-group and differences of the out-group. There are many other social psychology theories at play here, propelling and maintaining perceived group differences and justifying actions, i.e. diffusion of responsibility and group think. When the herd turns it can have significant and lasting impact on those left behind.

Better together

Today there are so many competing priorities, channels and responsibilities to juggle, all layered on top of a molten landscape changing before our eyes. We feel much better, mentally and physically, when we are part of something, we feel appreciated, and know that someone has our back. The Hawthorne Studies in the 1920s & 30s illustrated this. What started as a productivity experiment mysteriously discovered people worked harder whatever change (positive or negative) was made. In essence, Hawthorne had stumbled upon the power of belonging - being observed, feeling important and part of something drove people to deliver more.

Being observed will only have an impact for so long. Friendship, however, has the power to influence and shape behaviour across the longer term. If you’re lucky enough to have friends at work, then you will be familiar with the great benefit this can bring. Personally, I know the huge value going for a walk or having a coffee with a friend can bring. Accessing warm, supportive advice, having a laugh, or simply venting in a safe place can change a gloomy perspective and inform more balanced decisions. Unfortunately, recent research has shown that 22% of people don’t have even one friend at work and that those with low social connection experience higher levels of anxiety, burnout and stress. Gallup’s engagement survey includes the statement ‘I have a best friend at work’ and it is this that is most predictive of turnover; if you have a close friend at work you are much more likely to stay.

A crossroads for connection

Malcolm Gladwell’s recent comments “if you’re just sitting in your pajamas in your bedroom, is that the work life you want to live? Don't you want to feel part of something?”? have gone viral, stirring intense debate. I think he makes a good and very pertinent point. What’s perhaps missing in his statement is reference to there being choice and balance, because used well flexibility can bring great benefits too.

Lynda Gratton’s recent article gets to the nub of this nicely – Cut the meetings, make more friends and reminded me of a friend’s new job experience. He joined a company when most businesses dare not even mention working in an office. He spoke with many new colleagues but didn’t meet anyone in person for several months. It was isolating - the joy he had experienced in other roles through collaboratively solving problems, feeling part of a team and having a laugh along the way - was nowhere to be seen.

What we choose to prioritise for our working lives now could shape the next few decades to come.

Science repeatedly shows us as humans we are better together and outcomes such as quality, innovation, productivity, engagement can all increase when a diverse team works effectively together. Now is a good time to remember the importance of being part of something and creating connection, and critically, giving this component weight when evaluating what we want from our time at work.

Make it Human

1. Remind people that work is about collaboration, connection and belonging by providing opportunities to do just this – time to connect as teams, social breaks and activities scattered throughout working days
2. Take a moment to really connect with someone else, ask them broader questions, share a laugh, show interest and empathy. Watch their reaction and feel the surge of oxytocin flood your brain!
3. Establishing psychological safety is a key step in creating community belonging. Look for ways to make others feel safe, included and valued in your team meetings and projects to ensure everyone feels able to voice their views
4. Regularly review your own connections across the business and externally. Are you accessing different perspectives or getting stuck in a rut of same solutions and ideas? The actions of one person to build diverse networks can ripple
5. Look at ways to measure and enhance friendships across your organization today. This is the true indicator of organisational sustainability and acknowledging the need for this alongside growth, efficiencies and innovation will pay dividends later

Happy and sustainable organisations happen when we Make it Human. This article shares the third step in this model – making decisions and steps to establish community belonging - because we are better together.

Want to read more?

Your workforce is lonely. It’s hurting your business. Maggie Wooll, Better Up, June 2022

4 steps to boost psychological safety at your workplace, Amy Edmondson & Per Hugander, HBR, June 2021

Together is Better, Simon Sinek

Emotional intelligence – Daniel Goleman