Making The Final Drop?

I always get the shakes before a drop. I've had the injections, of course, and hypnotic preparation, and it stands to reason that I can't really be afraid. The ship's psychiatrist has checked my brain waves and asked me silly questions while I was asleep and he tells me that it isn't fear, it isn't anything important — it's just like the trembling of an eager race horse in the starting gate. I couldn't say about that; I've never been a race horse. But the fact is: I'm scared silly, every time. - Juan Rico : Opening paragraph of Starship Troopers

As I delve into the idea of opening myself to love once more, I find myself swept up in a whirlwind of intense emotions—excitement, anticipation, and a touch of apprehension. It's a blend that mirrors the complexities of my inner world.

Trusting another with my heart feels like scaling an insurmountable mountain. Can I truly expose this vulnerable part of myself to someone else, especially when my own self-assurance wavers?

Fear clutches at my thoughts with an iron grip. What if history repeats itself? What if I unintentionally cause someone pain again?

These doubts, these fears, they stem from deep-rooted sources—fears of vulnerability, of enduring past wounds, of abandonment, of letting myself and others down. They've led me to withdraw, to steer clear of potential romantic entanglements, despite the encouragement of those who saw potential in me.

It's intriguing how the depth of my longing is matched by the intensity of my fear of loss. Genuine, profound love seems to amplify this fear.

Sharing my innermost self feels like traversing a precarious tightrope over a canyon of past hurts and betrayals. Instead of freely expressing my emotions, I find myself holding back, trying to control what I cherish, like a guardian reluctant to release their charge.

Yet amidst this inner turmoil, a glimmer of hope emerges—a vision of love freed from the suffocating grasp of fear. It's an alluring possibility, one that fills me with longing tinged with uncertainty.

Fear remains a constant companion, a shadow that is unwilling to be dismissed, at least for now. And yet, perhaps there's a way to coexist with it, an opportunity to channel its negative energy and transform it into something powerful for genuine growth and understanding.

What if I viewed my fears as guiding lights, directing me towards the wounds in need of healing and the paths waiting to be explored? What if, instead of succumbing to paralysis, I allowed fear to propel me forward on my journey of self-discovery? Each time fear tightens its grip—whether as anxiety or the urge to control—I pause and reflect on its origins. Is this a genuine threat, or simply a reflection of past pain echoing in the present?

Every encounter with fear offers a chance for introspection, for delving into the depths of my psyche. It's a daunting prospect, fraught with uncertainty and discomfort. Yet, with each confrontation, I uncover reservoirs of strength within myself. My fears, once towering barriers, begin to transform into stepping stones on the path to self-awareness and genuine healing.

If I could release the shackles of fear and love without reservation, what possibilities might unfold? To love deeply, unconditionally, without the constant shadow of doubt—it's a vision that fills me with both excitement and unease. Yet therein lies the essence of growth, of transformation—to confront these fears head-on and emerge stronger, more whole, on the other side.

In navigating my fears, I strive to cultivate a love that knows no bounds—a love that illuminates the path to joy, connection, and resilience for both myself and my future partner.

The journey ahead won't be easy, as I untangle the knots of fear that bind me. But with each knot unraveled, each fear confronted, I draw closer to a life infused with love in its purest, most authentic form. And within that journey lies the promise of a richer, more meaningful existence for the both of us.

This mental preparation is crucial to me that I must work towards eventually taking action once more because it will also be my last.

I have to be courageous again.

Today is another day - ZARD

かわいくなれない 本当の理由は

あなたが私を選ばないって 知っているから

きき覚えのある 足音がして

"あっ" と振り返ったら 人違いだった

きっと心が淋しいんだ

他人に期待したい あてにしたい 信じていたい

もしあなたを忘れられたら それでも私 生きていけるのかな

明日がある

口がうまい人だと 誰かにきいた

目の前のとっても弱い人は うそなの?

疑いだしたら きりがないのにね

バカみたい それでもあなたの夢を見る

きっと心が淋しいんだ

他人に期待しない あてにしない 信じたくない

悲しい現実をなげくより

今 何ができるかを考えよう

今日が変わる

きっと心が淋しいんだ

他人に期待しない あてにしない 信じたくない

悲しい現実をなげくより

今 何ができるかを考えよう

今日が変わる

Today is another day