Making divorce family-friendly

Making divorce family-friendly with Cambridge ADR

It goes without saying that divorce is particularly hard on children. Sadly, sometimes parents’ attempts to protect children can make them feel left out and exacerbate their fears and worries. Children may act up during divorce, or suppress their feelings so as not to make things more difficult for their parents. Children may not want to choose between their parents – or indeed, hurt either parent by expressing wishes that don’t concur with those of mum or dad.?

This is where a mediator can help: they can step in and act as a conduit through which children can express their feelings and raise their concerns. As in your own mediation sessions, an impartial third-party takes the emotional heat out of an argument and makes it easier to think clearly and objectively. When I first meet divorcing parents who have children aged 10 or above, I explain the?basics of child-inclusive mediation and ask both parents to share their views about it. For instance, I would ask parents to comment on how they would react to the various types of points their child might raise. I would also secure the parents’ agreement that they would respect their child’s views, and ensure that they understand their children’s rights in the eyes of the law. Both parents would have to agree before I go ahead with a child-inclusive mediation programme.

How does child-inclusive mediation work?

As a family mediator, I follow a structured process for talking to children to ascertain their feelings, opinions and wishes. My first step is to write to the child to explain how mediation works and invite them to meet me. It goes without saying that the child has to agree to participate. I also ask the parents not to discuss what their child should say during our meeting.

My meetings with children are informal and as age-appropriate as possible. We usually start with a series of open-ended questions about the child’s life in general, before moving on to their current situation. I assure them that I won’t ask them to make choices or take sides, and I encourage them to share their views on possible ways forward. Most of my time is spent listening to the child, but I also try to manage expectations so they know that they might not get everything they want. It is up to the child to decide what they want me to feed back to their parents – everything else is kept confidential.

What’s in it for you?

Mediation can help two parents with different perspectives consider their views of what is best for a child and reach a blended solution that everyone can accept.?It’s likely that I will share thoughts and viewpoints that your child feels unable to say to you directly, which will give you a new perspective and help you to consider alternative ideas.

Child-inclusive mediation is a positive and constructive process that allows the views of everyone affected by the divorce to be heard. However, you may need to be prepared for some difficult feedback. Working together, we can use the process to refine access and childcare provision, or make other adjustments. For your children, knowing that both parents respect their views and are willing to take them into account will be very affirming and good for your relationship. Most of all, allowing your child a say in their future can do a lot for their wellbeing at a very stressful time.?

If you’d like a friendly, informal chat about family mediation, give me a call on 01223 625 123 or send me an email: [email protected]