Make This The Year Of No

For many years, I was the leader of my daughter’s Girl Scouts troop while also juggling the responsibilities of being CEO of my own company. In order to manage both, I would stay up late the night before the Scouts meeting to prepare, leave early from work and rush home to get to the meeting on time. I loved the Girl Scouts and adored my troop, but I was also absolutely miserable. I simply didn’t have the time to balance being both Troop Leader and CEO, and so I ended up failing to fulfill either role to the best of my ability. All of this left me feeling guilty and insecure.

One day I stopped and asked myself: Why am I doing this? Well, I was doing it for my daughter, of course, but I was also doing it to project this “Supermom” image of myself to others. Then I thought about what was most important to me: time with my daughter. And our best quality time wasn’t when I was putting on a show for all the Girl Scouts, it was when we were spending time together, just us. That’s when I knew that I could say no to being Troop Leader. So I told the other moms, “I’m really sorry, but that’s not going to work for me this year.” And once I did it, I felt so free. This was the best decision for me and my daughter, but it was also the best decision for the rest of the girls, because it gave another mom the opportunity to step up as Troop Leader—someone who wouldn’t be constantly stressed out and could do a better job.

It turns out that my saying “yes” was fueled by vanity and guilt, and in order to say “no,” I had to think about what was really important and abandon my fear of not being liked by others.

I believe that one of the most important skills women can master is the ability to get comfortable saying no. Oftentimes, we take care of others first, whether it’s our coworkers, employees, husbands, girlfriends or kids. And in doing so, we tend to say yes to just about everything. We think we’re being helpful or kind, but it ends up being a disservice to everyone. Jocelyn K. Glei, host of the podcast Hurry Slowly, shares one of the benefits of saying no: no one has to deal with any bullsh*t. “Yes, I’m not going to waste my time. But I’m also not going to waste your time by leading you to think I want to participate in something I really have no heart for.”

In The Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes writes about the power of saying yes to the things that push us out of our comfort zone, that give us an opportunity to grow, to thrive, to create the life we should be leading. It’s a beautiful story and a helpful lesson. But the flip side is just as important. We must also say no to the things that aren’t worth doing, that are a misuse of our time and energy, that will hold us back, and that will only make us (and those around us) unhappy.

If “the year of yes” was about opening ourselves up to opportunities, then “the year of no” is about freeing up our time and energy and directing it toward what’s best for us.

Here’s your guide to making this the year of no:

• If just saying plain no feels too negative, try out alternative phrases such as: “I’m not going to be able to do that” or “That doesn’t work for me.”
• Practice by turning down a small ask. Perhaps someone wants to schedule a meeting at an inconvenient time or go out to dinner this weekend.
• Resist the urge to give an explanation or an apology. No one needs to know why you can’t make it to dinner, and you don’t need to apologize. However, if it makes it easier, when you’re starting out, feel free to slip in a “sorry” or give a simple, light explanation like: “My schedule doesn’t permit this” or “I am unavailable at this time.”
• Start a journal and document how you feel after saying yes and no to things. We sometimes forget what it feels like to say yes to something that we didn’t really want to do—or how good it felt to say no to something. By writing it down, you’ll have a record to look back on and empower you the next time a request comes through.
• Establish limits and priorities. It’s easier to say no to things when you have clear boundaries and an understanding of what you want. I get a lot of meeting requests, so I’ve set open hours on my calendar, and if I’m asked to meet outside of that time frame, it’s an easy no. I also know people who set auto-replies, such as: “I only check my email twice per day” or “If you’re emailing me after 6:00 p.m., I won’t be responding.”

At the end of the day, only you are responsible for your choices and your happiness. So this year, let’s “reclaim our time.” Let’s ruthlessly prioritize. Let’s understand what we want, what we don’t, and make decisions accordingly—without explanation, without apology.

Say it with me: “No, that doesn’t work for me.”

Do you struggle with saying no? How have you learned to say no to the wrong things and yes to the right things? Please share your thoughts below!

And for more advice on learning to love saying no, check out my new book, Work It: Secrets for Success from the Boldest Women in Business.