Make sure, you are not complaining!

I am a strong believer in feedback and am actively giving and soliciting it. And I really think that there is a teachable moment in every feedback I receive. I definitely made the experience in my life so far and it has not always been easy to be open enough, to detect them.

Now, have you ever been in the situation, where you have been given "feedback" and no matter how hard you tried, you have not been able to find said teachable moment? You could not find out how you could use what was said to improve personally or professionally, even though you are usually very appreciative of feedback? Well, maybe it is because you were not given feedback, you simply received a complaint.

The two terms "feedback" and "complaint", even though obviously not the same, are at times used interchangeably and are misconstrued. But as a leader, colleague, family member, friend etc. you want to make sure, you are not complaining, unless that is what you intended to do and you are clear, the outcome will not be the same as had you provided feedback.

But what is the difference? In both situations it is usually about observed (!) or experienced behavior. Both are even generally coming from a place of caring. Yes, even a complaint. What makes them so very different, is the "object" of the care. Feedback is coming from a place of caring about the recipient of the same and has the intention to reinforce positive or correct negative behavior to support their personal or professional growths.

With complaints, the care is normally directed towards ourselves. We have experienced or observed something, that impacted us (or our Ego or both) and we feel entitled for this to be taken back, changed or corrected. For our own sake. When complaining about a product / service that did not meet our expectations, we are absolutely clear this is a complaint and not feedback:

• We do not care (usually) for the growth or development of the company that provided said product / service (and unless we own parts of it, why would we?)
• We are upset / angry / disappointed and expect a reparation (for ourselves)
• We have a clear expectation, how this reparation should look like (and will negotiate to get it)

It is clearly all about us.

In some professional situations, the line between the two might be a little bit more fine and not so easy to navigate. Imagine you have asked one of your Direct Reports to work on a presentation for you. You receive the first draft and are about to provide your feedback - or are you?

In situation a) you are going to talk about how you think you get what your colleague is trying to say, but the structure and chosen colors etc. seem to be getting in the way of that important message. You are giving clear examples as to how the chosen color and structure interfere with the message and provide guidance how your colleague can make sure to support their message with the layout of their presentation (i.e. maybe do not use red unless you are highlighting a major risk). You are maybe even sharing how you know the audience and what speaks to them vs. what they usually dislike (short bullet points vs. long paragraphs).

In situation b) you are also talking about the color and the structure. You are explaining how the selected color scheme does not look appealing to you. And how another structure would have looked much better overall (i.e. oval shapes instead of rectangular) and how you prefer all paragraphs to be centred vs. angled left or right. And you leave it there.

The feedback in situation a) will help your colleague to be more clear and targeted in their presentation skills - at least for that specific audience. They have an opportunity to learn from this and use this to make sure they get their messages across moving forward. What was shared in situation b) is personal preference. The preference of yourself and the correction you would like to see, is purely to satisfy your "taste". If we are honest with ourselves, this is a complaint rather than a feedback. But it's definitely not easy to tell them apart.

The intention of the provider of the feedback and the goal are making the difference here. I have been in situation b) and it felt like I could never get it right even though I tried to take it as feedback and not a complaint. There is just not enough information to work of and I could not see how changing things would help ME / my message. At some point I even told the person complaining "if you want a presentation to look the way you would do it, you'll have to do it yourself." Yes, not very mature. But a very common reaction to complaints that are disguised as feedback.

Complaints absolutely do have a place in our lives and we will definitely continue to complain in order to highlight wrongdoing and stand up for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that! We really can't invest into giving feedback in every single day to day interaction with companies, where something minor goes wrong. It would be like attempting to move a huge rock uphill anyways.

However before we provide feedback the next time, we should double check who we are really caring about and if we are about to provide support for their growth, or if we are simply going to vent for our own good feeling. And we should never expect sustainable change and growth to come out of a complaint.

If you have been in the situation I described at the beginning, it's not all lost though. Feedback is not a one way street and neither are complaints. If you feel you are receiving a complaint, try to see if you can turn it into feedback. Simply by asking some probing questions to get more clarity. Maybe there is a teachable moment in there after all and just in case you care.

Check-out my blog https://mykindofsuccess.net/ for more thoughts on Leadership, Feedback and how I am daily failing my way to a happy and successful life.