Make space for grief if you (really) want to change

Or in other words, when you deal with change (in life or in business), be prepared to go through the lows if you want to hit the highs again.

When I had little Cassia, no one told me about the identity crisis that was going to come a-knocking. I knew having a baby would be a big change in my life, after all they warn you about the sleepless nights and endless nappy changes. If you take a child rearing course, they teach you about how to take care of your baby and nurture their growth. ?But when you become a mother, no one talks to you about how to take care of yourself emotionally, not just physically. Instead, we are expected to get on with it, sublimate all our needs to our new baby, and weather this most fundamental of human shifts without making too much of a fuss.

No one talks to new mothers about the grieving stage; the grief you will need to feel and express for the person you used to be and no longer are, because motherhood is supposed to be a joyous occasion, right? You might wonder, grief and becoming a mother - how can these 2 concepts coexist in the same phrase ??? Well, surprise, surprise... they can. It will become more evident when you understand the concept of the Change Curve - and trust me, it applies beyond matresence.?

Just like in life, when you have a growing business, there will come a time of major changes, especially when the business goes from start up to scale up. Leadership skills will help you through the journey, but nevertheless you will need a solid change management approach to be able to manage change at a team or company level. However, make no mistake here: the business doesn't change, people do. So unless you fully understand what goes through the mind and soul of an individual during a change process, and what you as a leader can do to support the individual, nothing will really change. Effective change management at an organisational level ultimately boils down to effective change management at an individual level.

The Change Curve is widely used in business and change management to explain and exemplify what an individual has to go through in order to accept and eventually incorporate a change. Albeit there are many adaptations to it, the model is attributed to psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, stemming from her work on personal transition in grief and suffering:

I’m going to delve a bit deeper into the various stages shown in the Change Curve and as you read on, I want you to think back on a recent change and your own process when dealing with it.???

1. Shock

In this phase, people are usually surprised, taken aback or incredulous. Perhaps the change came out of the blue (think no further than the pandemic). Even with an expected change, the reality of it occurring can throw people off balance.

During this stage, people might lose focus so naturally they will turn to their trusted social circle (friends, family, work colleagues) to establish their views, gather their thoughts and share knowledge. This knowledge might not always be factual and the rumour mill will start evolving at this stage.

2. Denial

After the initial shock, there is frequently a little time before the actual change starts to take shape. During this time, it’s easy for people to feel like the change isn’t actually going to happen, or that it won’t affect them personally. At this stage, people might tell themselves and others comforting or self-soothing versions of the story, such as ‘the organisation will come to its senses’ or ‘they said this before and nothing changed, it won’t happen this time either’.?

Sometimes we notice a boost in productivity at this stage as people might try to prove their worth in the hope that if the change materialises, it might not affect them.

3. The pit

At this stage, emotions can be extremely high and these might be expressed outwardly through anger, frustration and blame or inwardly through suppressing them or only expressing them in front of a ‘safe’ audience.?

These emotions are important and are better out than in. Creating a safe space to vent any frustrations is an important part of moving forward. Emotions can be processed in healthy ways such as talking, listening, thinking, writing (journaling) & exercising.?

For organisations in particular, it can be a tricky time as performance dips at its lowest and even the best performers become disengaged and might choose to leave.

4. Letting Go (Grief)

This stage is all about mourning what will no longer be and coming to terms with the change. Depending on what the change means for the individual there could be a mix of emotions: relief that the change is out in the open and it’s happening; excitement about the next phase; frustration or sadness about what is lost and how it will never be the same again.?

At this stage, people start to recognise that a different future awaits and that stepping into that future is happening regardless of their opinions or feelings. There is a turning point of acceptance that can lead to hope.

5. Testing, experimenting

At this stage, the change is underway and the new ways of being, thinking and behaving start to evolve. As people start to try these new ways, depending on how successful they are at first, they will review their progress and decide if it’s worth sticking by the change. People’s hope and strength may falter, and they may even revert to previous stages of the change curve (it’s not a linear one-way system).

6. Searching for meaning

The new way of being and the new ‘norm’ start to take shape and people will try to fit in the new model, now that the change is behind them.?

7. Integration

What has changed becomes second nature and it’s hard to recall a time when things were done differently. The change itself is part of history and the things that changed become the new reality.?

When I first learned about this model and reflected on my journey to motherhood, it all started to make sense. I wish I knew about it earlier, because maybe, just maybe, I would have felt less like an imposter during my own transformation process. I also learned that you cannot really skip or fast forward any of the steps in the change curve, much as you’d like to - and trust me, when you reach 'the pit' you’d do anything to bypass it! But passing through it is necessary, as is the grief, the acceptance and the road to integration that comes afterwards.

Maybe for you, reading this article will help you reflect on how you go through changes in your own life, or indeed in your own team or company. Maybe it will equip you to better support your people and build a plan in place that accounts for each step of the curve.? If you don’t, then don’t be surprised if your next transformation programme or initiative fails - a study from Mckinsey found that a staggering 75% of businesses fail at making change happen.

Change is an inevitable part of our lives, whether at home or at work, but knowing how to navigate it and what to expect at each stage of the process can make a world of difference and improve the odds of success. As well as keep you sane so you can live to tell the story!?

If you found this article insightful and want to learn more about my own change journey, as well as how I helped other organisations and people implement changes as an HR BP, visit my website www.ioanamaxim.eu ?