Make it Safe to Tell the Truth

When was the last time you asked for feedback? If you can’t remember, you’re in good company. Most of us resist it because we equate it with criticism. It brings to the surface what we don’t want to admit—that each of us is a work in progress. But if we avoid creating opportunities to receive feedback, or unknowingly make it unsafe for others to give it, we’ll miss a huge learning curve and a perfect chance to build high-trust relationships.

Knowing the origin of the word feedback may be helpful. Feed comes from the Old English fedan which means to “nourish, sustain, and foster.” The meaning of back includes “to support.” If we see feedback as something useful that can support our process of getting better, perhaps we won’t be so threatened by it. Knowing how to receive feedback and when to invite it in, requires careful self-examination. Consider these four steps:

1. Assume good intent. While you can’t guarantee that everyone has your best interest in mind, you’re far more likely to generate good will and build trust if you assume they do. Remember, people who have mustered the courage to give you feedback often are feeling as vulnerable sharing it with you as you are receiving it. They are momentarily risking the security of the relationship. When you show up with an open heart, you send a signal that says, “You’re safe to share.”
2. Ask for feedback. How you ask for feedback can shape how others choose to give it. One way to discourage people from not giving honest feedback is to surprise them with a request for it. A more effective approach is to let the person know beforehand that you’ll be asking for feedback later. Also, a vague question like, “How did I do?” makes it difficult for people to respond with anything meaningful. A more effective approach would be to ask people to share specific things you could say or do to improve.
3. Evaluate the feedback. Just because you ask for feedback doesn’t mean you need to act on every piece of it. It’s critical to be clear about the values you stand for and have a long-term vision of who you want to become so that you’re prepared to compare someone’s “truth” against what you feel and know is most true for us.
4. Act on the feedback. While we don’t need to implement every piece of feedback, not acting on feedback—or not explaining why we aren’t going to act on it—is worse than not asking for it in the first place. While people may start to feel safe when you ask them for feedback, they will know they are safe when they see you take their feedback seriously. You help them feel safe by writing the feedback down, demonstrating you are seriously considering what they’ve shared, and by letting them know how you plan to implement what you’ve learned.

Make it Safe to Tell the Truth is one of the 15 proven practices to build effective relationships at work from my new book, Get Better, which is in stores now!. Click here to learn more about the book, or to order a copy of your own: