Make This Memorial Day More...Memorable?

Have you ever heard anyone say “Happy Memorial Day!!!” accompanied by a big ole’ bear hug??Followed by a lovely Hallmark card??A small, appropriate gift?

Me neither.?We do see that with lots of our culturally-approved and adhered-to holidays.?Valentine’s Day comes to mind.?This season’s homage to parents started with Mother’s Day two weeks ago and concludes with Father’s Day next month.?Graduation season is upon us and we see it here at Oral Roberts University.?Christmas is a big one, and I’ve even been known to send a Thanksgiving card or two in my day. And of course, birthdays are big days to celebrate with our loved ones.

But just what do we get for that military member, veteran, or family member in our lives when the “traditional” (culturally approved, don’t forget!!!!) military-themed holidays roll around??This weekend provides the first of the “Big Three”, Memorial Day.?The other two are Veterans Day and then the Fourth of July…but the latter is really for EVERYBODY, even though it is an opportunity to recognize someone’s service. (I deliberately left out "Armed Forces Day"....just because...)

Several of you have heard my take on the simple but memorable phrase “Thank you for your service”, and how one of the greatest challenges and opportunities I see in my role at ORU is to continue to “bridge the gap” between the civilian and military communities.?Heck, I even have a chapter devoted to it in my brand-new book!?(For a small fee, you can secure your copy today!!!)?Not really, it was more a labor of love and a grad requirement – I’ll send it to you for free!!!!)

But back to Memorial Day.?As the weekend approaches, we will see all sorts of memes and gifs on all the social media platforms.?

? Some of my “rougher” military friends will post the iconically themed messages of “while you all have fun at your barbecues, I’ll be alone remembering my friend/teammate that never came back…”, or words to that effect.?

? Worse, when a well-meaning civilian tries to honor a veteran, a most likely response is something like “Memorial Day is for those that made the ultimate sacrifice, thank me for my service on Veterans Day!”

?How (un)helpful is that??

?Satan - 1; Us - 0.

There clearly is a gap though, and we can either look away and wait for the weekend to pass and move along with our summer, or we can engage as Christ teaches us.

I’ve shared that the phrase “Thank you for your service” is simply not sufficient.?Not that the sentiment is not appreciated, but research shows more than 50% of veterans don’t receive it the way it was intended.?Many of us don’t understand why you are thanking us. I served because the Spirit called me to, just as you were called to the vocation in your life. It makes me feel uncomfortable.?

Let me say that again.?I am a 52-year-old man with over a dozen years of therapy, diagnosed PTSD, and I like to believe I follow our God, yet when I hear those words, I still start to feel uneasy.?Why would you want me (not me, the veteran in your life) to feel uneasy? That's a flippant, rhetorical question, mind you. But the point holds true. If every other veteran or military member is made uncomfortable with it, why would you risk it and continue saying it?

? Others of us are more skeptical.?They hear the words (on one of the three aforementioned military holidays), then don’t hear them again until the next one. Or there is nothing after those words.?It’s like “Please pass the ketchup”.?

? We then end up thinking “Why did you say that??Was it just because society/culture ingrained you to “Pavlovenly” say them at certain times?”

?I admit I fall into both camps.

? And then I get miffed.?A leader here at ORU has heard my “take” on “thank you for your service” and still says it to me when he sees me.?He either thinks my thesis isn’t correct, doesn’t understand, or simply doesn’t care.?That his section doesn’t manifest any form of this sentiment is also noticeable.??

Satan – 2; Will - 0.

This is all getting pretty melancholy Will, I just want to get on with my Memorial Day Weekend!

? And here is where I will land.?If the spirit is calling you to recognize or honor someone over this Memorial Day Weekend, or some other time, listen to him. Like I tell the new staff/faculty hires during Orientation, you CAN still say “thank you for your service”!!!!

? But here is what I would recommend in addition to that:

When you see a veteran, military spouse, or child, engage them in conversation.?It can be a family member, friend, or co-worker that you have known for a while.?“Did you serve with anyone who didn’t make it back??Tell me about him/her”.?That opens a dialogue.?It drops defenses immediately.?It tells (me!) that you are interested in my story and who I am.?

?If that is too “deep” to start off with, look to see if there are any Memorial Day plans/parades in your hometown.?For Tulsa folks, you can check this out: https://www.travelok.com/articles/celebrate-memorial-day-in-oklahoma

? Finally, Student Veterans of America, the “parent” organization of our Student Veteran & Family Member Association is part of a Flag Laying event at the Fort Gibson National Cemetery. (a comfortable 55-minute drive from ORU!).?I will be there at 9 AM and would love to see any of you that can make it.

? Let me also add a warning to this message.?The enemy is already up, 2-0.?He will lay in wait to ambush our attempts at connection.??

? If you feel called to attempt a conversation, you must also be prepared.?Pray about it first.?

? Second, make sure you have time set aside for it.?The last thing you want is to be in your routine, see the person you wanted to engage, open up, and he starts talking nonstop, but you are on your way to a meeting or other engagement and have to rush it or pause.?He then senses your haste, and the aforementioned skepticism takes hold.

? Third, manage your expectations.?You may have done the first two steps, and when you approach me, I may be on task 3 of 46 to accomplish and simply don’t have the bandwidth to “be” with you.?Don’t let that frustrate you.?Don’t let that make you think “See!?I did what Will said, and he still didn’t “appreciate” my intentions!”

? That leads to step four.?Re-engage.?When the time is right, the Spirit will guide you to attempt a conversation again.?You’ll feel the right time, and it will happen.

What the veteran does then is truly on them. You have done the right thing.?Sometimes, we veterans aren’t easy to get along with.

? That brings me to my last point, I promise.?

?Bridging the Gap takes two.?It’s ultimately not the civilian’s responsibility to “get it”, to understand why I am a little different.?It is MY job to tell my story.?

?I encourage each and every veteran to stop being a closed book.?Open up.?Share what your military experience was like.?And not just the assignments, locations, and deployments.?

How did it make you feel to say goodbye to your 3-month-old daughter and leave for a year??How badly do you miss Tracy Alger, who was killed in an IED strike in Shubayshen, Iraq on November 1st, 2007?

? Tell your stories.?Our families, friends, and co-workers need to hear them.

So Happy Memorial Day Team!!!

? For our prayers for the week, I ask that we cover the family of Donna and Ken Iannelli this week.?

? Their son, Ryan Iannelli is ORU’s lone combat fatality.?Ryan was killed in a helicopter crash in Helmand Province on September 28th, 2011.

? Ryan graduated from ORU in 2006 and was a member of the Golden Eagle baseball team.

? Donna, Ken: ORU will never, ever forget Ryan’s sacrifice, and we love you so very much.

(Revised copy of the "Weekly Update" I provide student veterans, family members, staff, faculty, alumni, and friends of the program. Opinions are solely mine, and do not reflect any position of the University)