Make Habits Stick by Starting with the End in Mind

“Start with the end in mind.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Everything is easier with a reward in mind. From child to adult, we all look for outcomes from our actions and activities, often thinking about what the end result will bring. Growing up, I loved sports and thrived on getting better and seeing my team succeed. I loved winning. The more I enjoyed the sport, the more I wanted to win, and the more it hurt not to win.

When I wrestled, I vividly remember one of our coaches telling us that the wins are great, and you’ll remember them, but the losses are what you’ll think about for the rest of your life. This is one of those moments that has stayed with me. My last competitive match was twenty-four years ago, and I still replay certain moments in my head, thinking about where a little more preparation or a little more effort may have pushed me farther. Coach Yaller was right.

What’s funny about this is that I’m not looking at it in a regretful way. The context around these memories comes with a focus on improvement today. When I’m feeling tired, or feeling down, I tap into those moments to think, “at least I’m not dropping 30lbs, starving, and tired to the bone. I can do this, and I can probably do this better.” Wrestling made me mentally stronger for life and still motivates me to constantly look for that little extra that can push a loss to a win.

Continuous Improvement

“Of all the virtues we can learn no trait is more useful, more essential for survival, and more likely to improve the quality of life than the ability to transform adversity into an enjoyable challenge.” ― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Why do we want to do things better? I often think about my own drivers. Writing has been one of my favorite activities since as far back as I can remember. I love the feeling of words tied together to convey deeper meaning, especially when I’m able to tie together stories from my life and stories from the lives of my experiences that come from books and conversations with those around me. But it’s hard.

I stare at the screen. I do side research. I do side writing. To create this particular article, I wrote many others that I shelved for the future because they didn’t capture the story that I wanted to tell here. Writing is a beautiful mix of agonizing success, constantly thinking about that idyllic end where everything comes together, while struggling with the reality of delivering succinct meaning in a cohesive narrative. Although, honestly, that imagined end sometimes doesn’t always pull it all together. It took me a long time to understand that it’s okay to leave some parts of the story unfinished.

Unfinished Rewards

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.” ― Lin Yutang, The Importance of Living

This is one of my all-time favorite quotes. When I first heard it, I instantly felt a freedom that I’d always denied myself, accepting the validation that something finished can be unfinished as well, and that’s okay.

Going back to the title, I feel a high level of reward when I’m able to accept completion without perfection, avoiding the pitfalls of letting the perfect become the enemy of the really, really, good. In my professional career, I’ve had the opportunity to use writing across a range of different activities. I’ve given countless presentations over the last few years that depended heavily on writing and storytelling. Those presentations took time to pull together. They sharpened my storytelling focus and exercised my creativity muscle as I strove to share data in an uncommon or surprising way, but none of them were perfect. I sure did enjoy each and every one, though.

The End in Mind

“…success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue…as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a course greater than oneself.” ― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

I started this article talking about the end in mind and the reward that would come with it. Like so many things, I’m arriving at the end,?and the product is different from what I’d envisioned. For me, this is where reward comes in. After years of grappling with intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation and wrestling with my personal definition of success, I now understand reward as the feeling derived from the close of an experience. This “feeling” rather than the “product” is a mental shift that took the culmination of years of work, reflection, and listening.

Starting with the end in mind, but not being tied to it leaves us open. I’ve always found that this openness empowers change, allows for rethinking, and delivers a better outcome. This is driven by the untethered nature of experience-led goals versus sticking to the “product” path and the drive to a goal that may have changed along the way.

I’m sure there are lots of examples from my past, but I’ll speak to one I’m living at the time of writing this. My wife and I are in Orlando, taking our kids through their first Disney experience. Knowing that we didn’t know much about Disney or what the kids would really want, we just went for it. We sketched a few ideas, and we picked two days of the five for Disney parks, while remaining open to change. Halfway through it, it’s been good.

What was the first thing we did each day at the park, you ask? Straight to the gift shop because that’s what the kids wanted. If we were planning and sticking to the plan, that would never happen because it makes no sense; why would you carry around souvenirs all day in eighty-five degree heat? To make them happy.

Being Happy

“People who learn to control inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives, which is as close as any of us can come to being happy.” ― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Since I’ve peppered so many quotes into this article, I’ll end on this last one about happiness from the master of flow. Csikszentmihalyi spent decades studying flow, which he tied to our life’s completeness, fulfillment, and overall happiness. At the end of the day, the end in mind for me is being happy, and my happiness is built on the habits that shape my life’s journey. It hinges on the happiness of my surroundings, and my relationship with my family. ?

Goals change and that’s okay, and it’s essential to acknowledge, adapt, and realign, while staying tapped into the journey you want to be on, wherever that may lead. Building this one habit is a constant journey for me, but one that carries reward and delivers satisfaction with each end, further reinforcing motivation and cultivating cascading habit building.

Thanks, as always. If you read this far, please recommend this newsletter to someone you think would appreciate it like you do! Happy Easter ??