Make Friends with Your Monsters

I’m not technically a leader in my job role. But I know I have influence in my family, my community, and my workplace. So, I play a little game sometimes.? I pick a quality I really admire in a leader.? And I ask myself, “On a scale of 1-10, how consistently do I behave that way? One quality I rate highly is accountability.? And recently my score suffered.

A few years ago I became really good friends with the co-owners of a local business. ?Sadly their relationship went sideways and their messy split spilled over into our friendship group. And my relationship with one of these friends suffered. It’s fine on the surface.? But underneath is tension - maybe hurt? And I just kind of hope that even though we don't talk about it, he understands that I still really care about him.?

Thinking about “accountability” I asked myself, ?“Have I really made sure this friend knows I care?? And I had to admit that I hadn’t. He has been excluded from some social gatherings. It makes me uncomfortable but I've been doing it anyway and shoving down the guilt.? As I pressed myself a bit further I recognised that other big, scary emotion - shame.

When I was a kid, I used to pull the covers over my head at night so the scary monsters couldn't get me.?The twisted logic was, "If I don't look at the monster, the monster won't look at me.? The monsters never got me.? But they never left either.? And I stayed anxious about being alone in the dark.? But adult Jennifer wouldn’t do that, right?? Not so fast.? I was doing the exact same thing! And the “scary monster" emotions of guilt and shame linger were lingering there in the shadows. Sure, we’d avoided a confrontation.? But at what cost?

In this situation with my friend, I saw an opportunity. The moment was right. I could feel my face get hot. My hand fluttered nervously towards my heart. I struggled to find the right words. But, however awkwardly, I told him I that our friendship really matters. And I didn't think I'd been doing a good job of showing that. And for both of us I could feel a kind of shared exhale.

There’s no perfect fix for this situation.? But the emotions we acknowledge become a lot less scary.? What often stops me (maybe you can relate?) is that terrifying moment when you have to look that monster-size emotion in the eye, and say, “Hey, what am I doing that keeps you hanging around?”

Not matter what your current job role, we are all leaders.? Our everyday choices have a ripple effect.? We can lead consciously or unconsciously.? Leading consciously is just a series of small choices we make over time.? So, what’s a quality you admire in a leader?? And how would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10?? If there’s room for improvement, what’s one small thing you could do right now that would improve your score??