Make it a drama-free Christmas

It’s almost Christmas. I hope that many readers are currently celebrating the moment to be with their extended family again.

Christmas should be a time of joy and hopefully it is for you. But as a psychologist, I have spent many sessions with clients, planning ways to cope with their extended family, or helping them get over a particularly tricky Christmas of angry words or hurt feelings.

It’s a combination of a few things. At this time of year, people are exhausted and – after the year that was – they probably have had all kinds of impacts of living through such challenging times. Many might not go into this season at their sparking best, with patience and restraint for their own and others’ particular quirks.

There’s also a level of joy, but also a little bit of stress, going into big family celebrations. People want it to go well, but every person present might have their own idea of what exactly should happen. So suddenly a huge fight can occur about lunch courses, or an odd Secret Santa gift.

But the biggest issue is that family of origin stories run deep in everyone. Most people have long memories and a particular angle of events that makes them possibly attend family occasions with a particular emotion. This might be anger for an event that happened years ago, or burden about something that was once said.?

I understand this, but I also know that family arguments in front of children are particularly impactful. It is hard for them to see their father yell at their grandmother, or their mother be incredibly rude to their uncle. And ideally, children should remember family events as a joyful time.?

So, this Christmas I would encourage everybody to do their very best to keep it all pleasant and enjoy your time together – for everyone’s sake. Keep these ideas in mind.

·??????Ignore the perceived slights of the past. There is no way that a family member with a few drinks under their belt is going to reflect on their treatment of you or your loved one and genuinely apologise. If you are choosing to spend time with them then you need to let the past go and make new, better memories.

·??????Choose to be kind. Most people have some level of social awkwardness. Thus, let minor things go – such as an odd joke that seems to be at your expense. Don’t fixate on what is likely to be your relative being human and overwhelmed.

·??????Ask people about their life and really listen. Be present with their answers without trying to butt in with your thoughts all the time. A key test is to ask yourself what you have learnt about someone at the end of the conversation – if you don’t know anything new, then you aren’t listening.

·??????You can’t force people to be interested. What is important to you is important to you. Let your words go out to everyone without expectations of the weight it will carry with others. If you are proud then let that be enough.

·??????If you need a break, then offer to help in the kitchen or take the younger members out for a backyard game.

·??????When all else fails, a game such as charades will help turn awkward or heated conversation into silly fun.

·??????Be generous. Buy the extra bottle of wine or box of chocolates. Thank the cooks for the delicious meal. Marvel at the lovely decorations.?

·??????Try to see the love in the gestures. Note the love and care in the homemade fruitcake rather than its dryness.?

Make a deliberate decision to get the most out of precious time together – and Merry Christmas!

Takeaway for parents

Getting into some confrontational discussions, such as Uncle Ian’s views on vaccinations? Use these.

·??????Phrases such as “That’s interesting” or “Really?” are great. They’re not critical, but they also aren’t agreement.

·??????Selective ignoring - simply overlook barbed comments, particularly if the person is known to try to inflame arguments.?

·??????Change the topic by asking them about what TV they have been watching, their plans for the rest of the holidays, or enquire about their work or retirement.

·??????Remove yourself. Go and refresh your drink, attend to the children, or say you need to help in the kitchen or at the barbeque.

? Judith Locke

This column appeared in the?Sunday Mail?on 19.12.21. Subscribe to the Courier Mail to get access to my column every week. Find more sensible parenting advice in my book,?The Bonsai Child: Why modern parenting limits children and practical strategies to turn it around??or, my latest book,??The Bonsai Student: Why Modern parenting limits children’s potential and practical strategies to turn it around??or have me come to your school to talk to parents and teachers about enhancing child resilience and wellbeing. Contact me?here.