Make the Choice to Feel Better About Yourself and Your Life

Sometimes I feel like an absolute mess. That I’ve learned nothing, that I know nothing, that I have nothing. Other times I feel like I’ve got it all together. That I am surrounded by so many good friends, that I am so blessed to have my children and to know love in my life, and that I have so much to offer and am lucky to live in such a beautiful place.

Probably I cycle round all these feelings, and so many more, many times in every day. If I’m really honest the first set of thoughts and feelings might often take centre stage, but not as much as they used to, and that’s progress.

Life can be hard sometimes, and I am a master at making it harder for myself because of what goes on in my head. It’s not my fault, many of these thoughts took root and were reinforced long before I was ever capable of rationalising, but it is my responsibility.

One of my friends said how she was feeling lonely and empty in a moment of reflection, circumstances in her life altered slightly, I could relate to lonely. Less so these days maybe, though I still feel it at certain times in each day, it’s less so than in the past, so I’m winning, I’m self abandoning less.

This is life. We all want to feel good; it motivates most of our actions, arguably all of them, but sometimes we do things that make an aspect of us that is outdated, and unhealthy, feel good. There are parts of me that want to keep me safe, and they arise from wonderful intentions and usually beat the very old, well worn tracks of reactions learned long, long ago.

For example, the kids’ school might ask for me to consider doing something differently than I’ve already indicated, and my first inner reaction is anger “You are not going to tell me what to do”, I might be triggered a 7/8 out of 10.

Giving thanks to my inner security guard, I self regulate then smile inwardly and challenge myself more calmly “The decision is still yours, but what if they have a point? You are a grown woman now, you have no need to defend yourself, just treat their request as new information. Is this new information helpful? Does it change the decision?”

One of my close friends might make a comment that I receive as a threat to our relationship, I maybe feel a sucker punch to my solar plexus, or an ache in my heart, or my throat closing up. So I sit with it until my eyes adjust to the darkness I’ve descended into. I wait. Is this a real threat or is this old insecurities, old associations?

I question my adequacy many times in every hour, am I good enough? In reality I’m an over compensator, I’ve probably got advanced qualifications in terms of skills and experience in whatever I’m feeling inadequate about.

Life isn’t always kind, it’s not always easy, and human systems (of education, of government, of health, of economy) tend act in ways that lead us to believe we have less power than we realise, so that fuels my anger and inadequacy in almost equal proportions. Until I step back, disengage from any resistance and simply turn in a different direction, to what I can control - me, my inner dialogue, my world view.

Becoming consciously aware of that has been the single most rewarding thing |I’ve done in my life. Except it is no one thing, it’s a practice, and ongoing discipline of being curious, of challenging, of unravelling, of learning new ways to operate and, with that, to feel.

I don’t imagine life will ever be peachy all the time, that doesn’t seem what life here on Earth is all about. I realised early on that if I never had bad experiences I’d never appreciate the good stuff. But I just don’t need to get so stuck in unhelpful patterns.

“Joy is a constant” I hear Mathew McConaughey say to in a motivational speech, he differentiates it from happiness. Yes, I think so, joy is always there in each moment we tune in to feel it.

Even in the heat or the heart of a troubling moment, like I had this week as I was confronted with a rather defensive and nasty response to a question I’d asked someone. I sat with it, and I found joy in recognising this old pattern, these old dynamics belonging to someone else.

I felt joy in the freedom from this dynamic and recognised that my ability to choose a different response was right there at the turn of a dial. In my head, a vision of the noise of this old pattern just getting tuned out, like changing a TV station when we used to tune them through the aerial on our roof, and right there on the next channel was carefree joy.

It didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t just decide to change channels and – poof – magically there was joy in my life. I had to learn the skills of tuning in and out, I had to learn many things, including recognising and building confidence in who I am and what I need and that I am deserving.

Or I could just have continued to go through life pleasing others and not myself, but that was killing me, literally. Slowly, chronically, my health was getting worse, my mental state was not good and emotionally I was shut down on many levels. Now I’m living, feeling more, communicating more with myself.

I can tell you that does many things, but among them is increasing my self respect, and my self worth. Among them is feeling better about life many more times in each day.

Choose to feel better about your life. Learn to tune in and to re-tune where needed. Trust me, life is just better.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Ask No One to Be Different So That You Can Feel Good, What or Who Reminds You of How Good it Feels to Feel Good? Take Back Your Power - Only One Thing Need Change for You to Feel Good and How to Feel Good (Despite Your Kids, Employees or Coworkers). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.