To Make Better Decisions, First Identify What You Feel and Why

The following is adapted from Choose Better by Timothy Yen.

We can’t make better decisions if we don’t understand, or ignore, how we feel. Our feelings provide important clues about our identity and surface values that are at times beyond our awareness. 

Why?

Simply put, emotions provide feedback to your brain that prepares you to respond to important events with little thought. This is particularly true with specific emotions, such as fear or anger, that deliver high-speed feedback in response to potential harm.

It’s challenging to use our rational mind when intense emotions occur because the emotions get to our brain so much faster! Talking about our emotions is only the beginning. We need to learn how to identify what we feel and why we feel this way. But what do your emotions mean? 

Dr. Paul Ekman, the leading expert on emotions, identified seven universal emotions that exist across cultures. I want to further break down some of our primary emotions, what they mean and signal, common expressions of that emotion, the range of intensity for that emotion from least to greatest, and a good question to ask yourself when you feel it. 

With this information you’ll be primed to make better decisions for yourself. Let’s dive in.

#1: Anger 

Anger is an emotion that tends to flare up when there is a sense that something is unfair or wrong. It provides us with the strength to fight injustice. Along the same lines, anger can also present itself to protect us from feeling vulnerable. 

It is important to note that just because something feels wrong does not necessarily mean something is wrong. Anger is an emotion that signals something feels off, so it is often wise to talk and think through issues before acting. Common expressions of anger include yelling, aggressive behaviors, feeling hot, muscle tension, clenching jaw and/or fists, rapid heart rate, puffing up one’s chest to appear bigger, eyes widening, furrowed eyebrows, and tightly pressed lips. 

The range of anger (from least to greatest intensity) includes annoyance, frustration, exasperation, argumentativeness, bitterness, vengefulness, and fury. A good question to ask yourself or an angry somebody is “What feels unfair or wrong?”

#2: Sadness 

Sadness seeps into our heart when we have lost something valuable. On a deeper level, sadness is experienced when our desired expectations for something, someone, or even ourselves fall short. 

People often feel sad about being rejected by someone important, losing a loved one, having to say goodbye, losing an ability to do something, and disappointment from an undesired outcome. 

On a deeper level, sadness may be generated from a lack of valuable goals or the inability to reach them. Oftentimes, sadness signals comfort and support to ease our heartache. Common expressions of sadness include tightness in the chest, pressure in the heart and stomach area, heaviness in the body, watery eyes, numbness, looking away or downward, being hunched over, crying, eyes drooped downward, and lip corners being pulled downward. 

The range of sadness (from least to greatest intensity) includes disappointment, discouragement, distraughtness, resignation, helplessness, hopelessness, misery, despair, grief, sorrow, and anguish. A good question to ask yourself or someone is “What has been lost or what do I feel is missing?”

#3: Happiness/Joy

This is the emotion that most people want or strive for because joy is an indicator of satisfaction and well-being. Psychologist Jordan Peterson framed happiness as an emotion that gets signaled when our minds are able to see an open pathway toward obtaining something valuable. The more valuable the goal, the greater the happiness! 

The difference between happiness and joy is that happiness tends to be a by-product of obtaining the desired outcome, while joy is a more stable feeling of contentment that resides in a deeper part of us. Joy signals that things are good! Common expressions of happiness include feeling upbeat, energetic, warm, relaxed, grounded, laughter, contentment, eyes narrowed with wrinkles on the side (known as crow’s feet), and smiling. 

The range of happiness (from least to most intense) includes sensory pleasure, rejoicing, compassion, amusement, schadenfreude, relief, peace, pride, fiero, naches, wonder, excitement, and ecstasy. Good questions to ask yourself or someone else is “What are you grateful for?” or “What do you want to celebrate?”

#4: Fear/Anxiety

I have grouped fear and anxiety together because both feelings have a survival function but differ in their sources. Fear is conjured up when we sense danger either physically, emotionally, and/or socially. Anxiety is a nervousness and often is a worry about potential harm. These feelings can signal a fight-flight-freeze-faint reaction to avoid harm or an overpowering threat. 

People often experience fear around dangerous animals, heights, darkness, and death. Anxiety is often experienced around uncertainty of the future, imaginable humiliation, probable rejection, and other pending threats. 

Common expressions of fear include increased heart palpitations, shortness of breath, trembling, higher pitched voice, freezing posture, raised eyebrows, and lowering of the jaw. 

The range of fear (from least to most intense) includes trepidation, nervousness, anxiety, dread, desperation, panic, horror, and terror. A good question to ask yourself or someone else is “What threat is making you feel unsafe or worry about future harm?”

#5: Surprise

This emotion can be experienced as an interesting mixture of fear and delight. Surprise begins as fear until the brain interprets the source as either being positive or harmful. Surprise also pushes us into a fight-or-flight mode to attend to the unexamined situation. 

It creates a startle response to halt our current actions for a few seconds and directs our attention to the new situation. We may feel embarrassed and/or pleased when something wonderful gets revealed. Or we may undergo misery from a negative outcome, leading to disappointment or devastation. 

People tend to feel surprised when they experience loud sounds or unexpected movements. Common expressions of surprise include attentiveness, gasping, and moving into a defensive posture. Common questions may be “What information did I miss to be caught off guard?” or “Is this surprise helpful or harmful to me?”

#6: Disgust

Disgust may feel like a hybrid between anger and anxiety, but it is a distinct emotion. The feeling of disgust occurs when we experience something that may cause sickness and therefore needs to be rejected. This is most commonly felt with poisonous or bad food. 

We could also feel disgust when someone does something morally wrong. People often feel disgusted with ugliness, rotting or diseased entities, unappealing foods, expelled bodily fluids like vomit and blood, and behavioral perversion like torture. There are also culturally determined constructs that have communicated certain people or things as being “bad,” even if that is not objectively true (e.g., racism, sexism, lower hierarchical status). 

Common expressions of disgust include nausea, vomiting, gagging, turning away from the source, covering one’s mouth or nose, making sounds like “ew,” and wrinkling one’s nose. The range of disgust (from least to the most intense) includes dislike, aversion, distaste, repugnance, revulsion, abhorrence, and loathing. A good question to ask is “What factors are causing me to feel disgusted and why?”

#7: Contempt

This is a feeling of superiority over another person, group, or actions through negative judgment. It has a combination of “I am better than you” and “you are lesser than me.” The purpose of contempt is to assert power or status. We feel more powerful and distinguished as being someone with authority. 

Although some people derive pleasure from feeling superior, others may feel embarrassed or shameful for such arrogant feelings. Common expressions of contempt include smugness, a disapproving tone of voice, tension, feeling powered up, rolling one’s eyes, looking “down your nose,” and raising one corner of your mouth. A good question to ask when contempt arises may be “Why do I feel the need to be better than someone else?” 

Emotions Occur for a Purpose

Emotions can be complicated. Hopefully, this summary of the seven primary emotions offer you a better understanding of your emotions and where they come from. 

This understanding gives you a starting point. Over time, you’ll learn to be more attuned with your feelings and why you feel that way, which provides essential information to your decision-making equation. 

For more advice on making better decisions you can find Choose Better on Amazon.

Timothy Yen is a clinical psychologist with a doctorate from Azusa Pacific University, practicing in the East Bay area and leading conferences and retreats around the globe. Between his years in private practice and another eight years as a Mental Health Staff Sergeant in the US Army, he’s empowered hundreds of individuals, families, organizations, and teams to develop authentic relationships and grow into their best selves. He currently resides in Northern California with his wife and son.