Maintaining calm and joy, even when disrespected

In these uncertain times, the behaviour of those around us might be getting more and more disrespectful. It can hurt us, make us feel bad, disrespected, unloved.

Perhaps it's being ignored by a colleague in a meeting, a harsh comment on a social media post by a troll, or criticism from a spouse in front of a stranger or another loved one.

This can hurt, knock our ego and we may want to snap back and put them in their place. But is that ever worth disrupting our calm and joy?

They might snap at us or express criticism in a way that can make us feel shitty. But here's the thing... in these uncertain times, they're hurting, they're scared about what's to come. They're frustrated and happen to be in their line of fire.

Does it give them an excuse to behave this way? Should we let them continue to behave this way? Nope. Speak with them about it. But first, reconnect to your own calm.?

Here's an approach you could take the next time someone's being disrespectful to you:

1. Pause: Close your mouth, breath deeply and with the lens of compassion for them and compassion for yourself, look straight at them.
2. Notice within: How do you feel within? Are you feeling angry? Hurt? Like you want to fight back? Notice that, stay with that for a bit.?
3. Be quiet: No need to say a word in that moment, even if they provoke you. You have a right to be with your calm. Own that.
4. Notice within (again): Stay with what you're feeling. If you find yourself stuck with the whirlwind of thoughts in the head, bring your attention to the feeling below the neck. Where in your body do you feel something contracting/pulsating? Stay with it. Let it be, perhaps it will settle. All things that arise eventually settle. Reconnect to your calm and let joy arise from that.
5. Speak up: Later, when it seems they are less agitated and open to a conversation, approach them. From a place of compassion, calm, love, even joy, share with them openly about what they said, how it felt when they said it and ask them, with kindness, whether their comment (and tone) was acceptable.
6. Stay quiet (again) and notice within (yes, again): You can't control how they respond. But you can own how you respond in that moment. If they receive it well, great. If they don't, fine.

You may not immediately get the response you sought from them, but you have protected your calm, done your duty by speaking up and can now get on with your life. If it comes up again, go through the steps again. If it keeps coming up, consider a different approach.

It's not easy, it takes practice and I'm still actively cultivating this skill - but those times when I apply it, wow, it's refreshing, calming, joyful. So much more is open to me.

By the way, this guidance is not for dealing with trolls. I don't yet have enough reach to have had to deal with them. But if this article resonates with you, share it widely and perhaps it will attract trolls and I can then write about maintaining calm and joy in those moments(!)

However, when it comes to people who matter to you - loved ones, your neighbours, your colleagues - pause, notice within, stay quiet, then speak up, with kindness.