The Maharajah's Nightmare (perhaps also for the late JRD and PadmaBhushan Shri Ratan Tata)

(Image: Courtesy Amul ads... I found this online, and it is the closest I could find to describe my own agony!!!)

The dated, slow to load, non-intuitive, user-unfriendly website, the illogical, inconsiderate to "young" family automatic seat allotments, the exhausted crew, untrained in airline safety and passenger support, limited or non-functional service offerings, you name it.....Air India outdid the worst low-cost carrier airline, while giving us a speed course in the "Chalta hai", "Adjust karlo yaar", "Zinda hai na, toh thik hai" attitude of individual Indians, that keeps this ancient, sacred motherland going......

Fans of Om Shanti Om, Hubby and I made do with our aligned marital sense of humor. As Shahrukh Khan's character asks the director in one scene "Kya is picture mein hero ka koi bhi body part working condition mein hai?" so we said to each other "At least the Aircraft Engines aka Plane ka Dil aur Dimaag, kaam kar rahaa hai na? We will get to Delhi and then onwards to Mumbai, somehow!!"

In this narrowly opened low COVID caseload worldwide window, we needed to travel to India for a bereavement. To avoid being stuck in a third country which might have their own residual Covid testing requirements, we opted for AERUNDYA as I am told Air India is called in Kalina colony itself, where its staff reside in large numbers. I am not given to using expletives, but then, I had never been exposed to this airline before. I have travelled Indian Airlines for the domestic sector, else, for work and leisure, somehow, I have been fortunate, and how, to be travelling with Singapore Air, now defunct Jet, Lufthansa, Delta, United-Continental. The occasional British Airways annoyance and even Biman Bangladesh rides, I took in my stride.

With due respect to our sub-continental neighbours, when visiting Bangladesh for business, I found the locals nothing but respectful and gracious hosts of Indians, for our motherland's role in their independence struggle........ I never thought I would find myself thinking of one of India's titular service providers and the struggling Biman in the same thought wave.... Humbling!!

The booking website was a slow moving disaster. But I made it, booking the EWR-DEL-MUM for our trip out of the US and the MUM-EWR for our return leg in a few days from now. If this was not an exercise in patience, what with the website hanging, crashing a few times, then my journey into the abyss had not really began.

24 hours before departure, I try to web check in. Guess what, in the Passenger Contact drop down menu, for a flight departing from the country US, there is no option for USA +1 as phone number. Every other country, including Turks and Taicos, random small islands with +1 international codes are included, BUT NOT THE USA!!! I finally selected Canada+1 as the closest neighbour to be able to move on, for our family of 5!!!

Then abruptly, we were checked in, but without any seat selection option. Racking my brains, perhaps we had not travelled as much with Covid these last years, I went back to the main screen, Manage Booking Menu, found the seat selection, and tried to find connected seats for our family of 5. 2 adults, 3 children between 5-10. Seems I was late for this party, lost as I had been on the website!!! I managed to find some combinations of 2 side by side seats, and thinking that our almost 8 year old could sit by himself, while Hubby and I sat with each of the 5 year olds, I blocked what I could see. The website promptly pocketed the seating fees off my credit card, but the initial seats we got on the boarding pass at the counter were nowhere near what I had selected. And horror of horrors, for the DEL-MUM leg, we had 5 different individual seats in 5 different individual rows 2-3 rows apart. Yes, please read that... each of us a few rows apart!!!!! In this age of customer friendly algorithms!!!

The counter staff was considerate though, and they promptly re-adjusted our seats for the EWR-DEL leg to be in one row at least. 3 middle column, and 2 side column.... Grateful for this, we omitted to check the DEL-MUM leg then, but as I already complained above, this leg had seats totally different from my selection online. What did they take the money from me for?

In the dated 777, except for the rust yellow and orange seat covers, everything else was metaphorically straight out of the Om Shanti Om scene, I mentioned above. It started with a Senior Hostess running out of the plane just as we were boarding, panicked about "Not having enough blankets" FOR A 13 HOUR FLIGHT!!! And no, she did not receive a solution for this, the flight took off, without adequate blankets on board!!

Next was the failure of the INFLIGHT Entertainment system. After multiple reboots, this continued to be blank frozen screens throughout. If we had known, we would have downloaded movies on the tablets for our children. I tried to tell myself, and my kids, not to be entitled. But damn it, we paid for it.... Inflight entertainment is no longer an option, or entitlement. It is supposed to be part of standard offering!!!

A solution oriented mom, dreading the 13 hours with 3 bored children in the 5-10 age group, I asked if I could charge my tablet (it was at 90% but movies quickly discharge the battery, especially when Murphy's law kicks in). Wonderfully, the chargers in Economy and Business class, the ones with the USB as well as plugs, WERE NOT WORKING.... No power, anywhere.

The passengers in BUSINESS class that I requested to test the charger port were friendly, equally harassed by NON-FUNCTIONALITIES, but I was clearly making a nuisance of myself, so the airline crew requested that I seat myself, and someone would help me, soon.

SOON, AS IN INDIAN STANDARD TIME, AS IN ALMOST NEVER.....around 75 minutes in the air, staff did find a working charger port back of the Economy cabin, and offered to take my tablet to charge...BUT, WITHOUT INFLIGHT WI-FI as an alternative to the failed entertainment system, tablets were useless, without prior downloads....

Luckily for us, for around 7 of the 13 hours, our kids slept, being somewhat seasoned travellers, thanks to Hubby's assignment jobs in Asia and Europe. However,,,,

Firstborn almost 8 year old had a rare bout of vomiting, thanks to the aircraft turbulence. I would have dismissed this, normally, but this child has made it through sectors such as New York - Singapore, Singapore - India, Singapore - Germany, Germany - New York without ever displaying signs of motion sickness. The aged, rickety aircraft made the turbulence worse for him to handle, is all I have to say!!!!

Experienced airline crew would have offered Hubby some help and support, taking away the food trays, offering some tissues to clear up etc.,, Thanks to the non-functional inflight systems, there was NO WAY of reaching for assistance from crew. When Hubby tried to explain the situation and asked for help, the harrassed crew member looked back at him, confused, and said "What can I do, Sir?". It was not a rude response, mind you, just her inexperience in dealing with any kind of passenger emergency. I wondered what would happen if God forbid, anyone had a heart attack, or a pregnant woman was on board!!!

On the other side of our aisle, during a bout of turbulence, another crew member locked her food tray in the passage so it would not stray. THEN, SHE ASKED ME TO UNBUCKLE MY 5 YEAR OLD, AND FOR ME TO TAKE THE CHILD IN MY LAP, SO THAT THE CREW MEMBER COULD BUCKLE HERSELF TO SAFETY IN MY CHILD'S PAID SEAT!!!!! I thought of all the times, when in Lufthansa and Singapore Air and even RyanAir, the same clingy child trying to climb into my lap was firmly though politely reprimanded by crew, on the dangers of this practice... What if the plane suddenly turns upside down or goes roller coaster? You might bang your head, little one, if you are not tightly fixed to your own seat with the seat belt..... had been their true explanation. Here on AERUNDYA, it was the local ST Bus going through potholed roads mindset.. "Behenji, bacche ko godi mein lo aur mujhe baithne do na"... I struggled with what was humane, in the moment, my need to protect my young, and my wish to help this untrained crew member. The Indian roots in me won, and I let her sit, but held my little one tight and prayed to the 33 crore Gods!!! The turbulence passed.

They had obviously miscounted the number of children on board.. HOW in this digital age, after getting date of birth countless times, I cannot understand... but Child meals were available for 2 out of our 3!!! To be fair, the crew member who had sat next to me in the story above, sourced a pasta for my 3rd child, and for that I was grateful.... the Indian jugaad, or some basic customer service training, or her own inherent good nature and apologetic stance....small mercies...

The double folding tray tables had long lost alignment, hence they sat like traditional inverted V rooftops..... Impossible to keep the food tray without one hand dedicated to keeping it straight while one ate from the other hand.. At the slightest turbulence, food rolled onto our laps... After a while, I used my juggling skills from my pumping days as a working mom, to keep three food trays in place, using two fingers on each tray, while the kids tried to eat, and gave up!!! Unappetising, and this, from the land of ATITHI DEVA BHAVA!!!

We felt sorry for the Captain who had to announce that SNACK bags were in short supply, so please only those who needed them should take them...

We learnt through the grapevine that prior to the TATA takeover, staff had not been paid for 4-5 months at a time!!! This, while expecting them to put their lives at risk every time.... For all the images of beautiful flying attendants, drifting peacefully through the clouds, flying is, by nature, much more risky than rail or road or even sea. You have some hope of rescue in any other mode of transport.. While flying, truly, only miracles can save lives.... These tired, underpaid, undertrained folk did their best to keep everyone happy. Travellers on Air India are also not the best behaved... I saw an "Uncle" touch and turn the Alcohol bottles on the serving tray, as the crew member made a quick dash back to the alley to fetch something... Why? Would you dare to touch a bottle when visiting someone's home? Then why treat the National carrier of your country as if it was your own kitchen or toilet? I daresay this Uncle would not dare to touch items in his wife's kitchen for fear of being scolded!!!!

After a very long 13 hours, we finally landed at DEL. While approaching the domestic counter, I finally took a look at the seats.... A tired and numb mother made a helpless plea to the counter staff to please put my family in better seats... Perhaps me and 2 kids together, with 1 kid and daddy together... anything.... Thankfully, counter staff here too was a lesson in good customer service... Politely, she calmed me and fixed the seating... In flight, we exchanged seats with other passengers to find ourselves in one row.....

As the TATAs move in, I am cautiously optimistic, the Maharajah will soon embody ATITHI DEVA BHAVA and instead of bending his head in shame, he will hold it high in gracious pride..... But, until then, this trip by Air India was a reminder to me, especially, as to why we feel compelled to leave behind our motherland. India Shines, Mera Bharat Mahaan are slogans which individuals seek to uphold.... But the SYSTEM, that b..... SYSTEM, FAILS THE BEST OF US, EVERY SINGLE TIME......