The Magnetic Power of Apologies: The Art of Restoring Confidence

I am saddened by the events that have unfolded over the last week. Two civilian plane crashes have resulted in an unexpected and, in my opinion, somewhat unnecessary loss of life. What has intrigued me most is the reactions of the stakeholders involved. One party apologized only days later, presumably after all theories put forth were debunked, while the other responded more swiftly. This raises a question: when do apologies become critical or important?

Years ago, I faced a similar dilemma, albeit in a completely different context. I was leading a joint project designed to bring about significant changes to our industry. Naturally, the incumbents pushed back, unwilling to adapt to the proposed shift. Early on, a participant highlighted a potential error in our scheme—a flaw that could jeopardize their trust and engagement in the project.

At that point, I faced two opposing schools of thought. Some colleagues advised me to stand firm as a regulator, emphasizing our authority to implement changes as we saw fit. According to them, apologizing would signal weakness and might embolden resistance. Instead, they suggested that we revise the scheme quietly, present the changes confidently, and even call the incumbents’ bluff if necessary.

On the other hand, there were those who advocated for a softer approach. They believed I should apologize—not for the scheme itself, but for the lack of adequate consultation with stakeholders. Their view was that an apology could foster goodwill, making it easier to secure the support and participation of the broader community over time.

It was not an easy decision. My joint venture partner advised against the apology, and many of my teammates shared his perspective. However, I decided to take the softer approach and apologized for the oversight in our engagement process. I felt that winning the hearts and minds of the stakeholders was worth the risk. In the end, the apology set a tone of collaboration, and while it did not eliminate all resistance, it opened the door to more productive dialogue—or so I thought.

This experience reminds me of insights from the book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson. The authors delve into the human tendency to self-justify and resist admitting errors, a behavior often driven by cognitive dissonance. We prefer to see ourselves as rational and competent, so acknowledging mistakes creates tension between our self-image and our actions. Instead of apologizing, many rationalize their behavior or double down, even when it is clear they are in the wrong.

The book underscores that while apologies may feel like a threat to one’s authority, they are actually a powerful tool for rebuilding trust. Authentic apologies, supported by accountability and a genuine willingness to change, can restore confidence and strengthen relationships. On the other hand, insincere or superficial apologies can backfire, further eroding trust. My own experience aligns with this lesson: while I intended to foster collaboration, the response from stakeholders highlighted the importance of carefully assessing when and how to apologize.

With hindsight, I must admit the decision did not yield the outcome I had hoped for. The stakeholders I apologized to did not cooperate as anticipated. Instead, they created trouble on the sidelines, lobbying my higher-ups to cease the scheme altogether. Was my judgment erroneous? Did I make the wrong decision? It is easy to judge in hindsight, and while I still value the principle of extending an apology, I do wish I had a clearer framework to process my thoughts at the time.

Here are my three tips for delivering an apology that restores confidence:

Be aware and honest about yourself with respect to self-justification: Recognize when cognitive dissonance is leading you to rationalize or deflect responsibility. Pause to evaluate whether your resistance to apologizing stems from a fear of appearing wrong or weak. Self-awareness is the first step in delivering an authentic apology.

Take responsibility and apologize when appropriate, with empathy: Acknowledge your actions and their impact on others. Offer a sincere apology that addresses their concerns and emotions. This step requires humility and emotional intelligence, both critical for rebuilding trust.

Focus attention on the next steps and demonstrate a commitment to change: Shift the focus toward corrective actions and solutions. Clearly outline what you will do to rectify the mistake and ensure it will not happen again. Following through on these commitments reinforces your credibility.

An appropriate apology with the right dose of empathy to address an error or oversight is like two opposite poles of a magnet. They attract. Empathy pulls people closer, fostering understanding, while sincerity solidifies the connection. This magnetic pull of an apology can convince even the most skeptical hearts, allowing relationships to be repaired and trust to be rebuilt.