Magic Mirror Mind: Claim Personal Power, Find Wholeness and Awaken Potential after Abuse and Trauma. (Chapter 4 - Uncover Your Patterns)

Book One in the Magic Mirror Mind series.

By Juan de Beer Odendal. 

Disclaimer: The author of this book does not dispense medical or psychological advice or prescribe the use of any substance or technique as a form of treatment for physical, medical, or psychological problems without the advice of a registered medical practitioner, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for general wellbeing. In the event you utilize any of the information provided in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, neither the author, the publisher nor any of their associates assume liability for your actions.

Chapter 4 – Uncover Your Patterns

“What will it take to realize that as within, so without?”

Tinus broke down in my arms crying as we lay in bed. His mom died from brain cancer some hours earlier. We arrived home with bad tidings and exorbitant medical bills. I enrolled for my first year of college and we took out student loans. During this time, we struggled financially. There were nights we only had vegetables flavored with stock cubes for dinner.

There were other reasons for our financial struggle during that time, like my perceived lack of self-worth and the negative beliefs I harbored about myself. I was a qualified Reiki master practitioner and massage therapist, but I had no clients. I would get the odd client when times were desperate, however, there was no inflow of regular clients. When clients booked a session with me, I felt guilty charging a fee for my services. Then all my clients would cancel their appointments, or a personal, and financial crisis needed taking care of. Through working on myself, this pattern changed from having no clients to having many.

Often these crises were family-related and my rescuer-complex kicked in. I thought I was being the dutiful son, responsible eldest brother and ‘big man.’ My family never followed any of the advice Tinus or I gave them. All of this was the reason for a major loss of income, the stress in my business, and added to my already strained marriage. Tinus was going through a stressful period in his career and put in long hours to keep a roof over our heads.

I felt undervalued by my family. Tinus was not giving me the same attention he used to. So, I had an affair to fulfil my emotional and sexual needs. A year into the affair, the man I was involved with exhibited the same personality traits as my absent father. I decided to break up the affair and Tinus and I sought out marriage counseling that saved our relationship.

Tinus had a minor heart attack whilst driving home from work due to work-related stress, crime in our neighborhood was out of control, and my family’s drama was unbearable. We decided to relocate to Cape Town. There was a brilliant opportunity for me to start a holistic healing practice in collaboration with a medical doctor. We cashed out an investment that was going to see us through for almost two years whilst I spent all my time building the business. Less than two years later, my business was failing, I battled severe allergies and bled from stress-induced eczema. We were considering bankruptcy or debt counseling. The bank had already set plans into motion to repossess our home due to non-payment.

During all of this, I still took on the role of rescuer. I kept providing financially for my family at great cost to my business and Tinus. Eventually, my mom got divorced, and I offered for her and my brothers to move in with us so that we could help them financially.

My stepfather kept harassing my mom and brothers, so I thought it best for them to relocate. I thought it was my duty to keep them safe. Before I wiped my eyes out, my moms’ boyfriend came to ‘visit’ for the holidays. It did not take long to realize that he was jobless after he overstayed his visit. I did not want to take care of him financially as well, so I told him to get a place of his own.

I was in a downward spiral physically, emotionally, and financially. There were days I contemplated suicide. All of this was too much to deal with. It would take one bullet.

Instead, I pulled out my copy of You Can Heal Your Life. I read the entire book again to refresh my memory on Hay’s Science of Mind based philosophy. I worked through all the exercises again. In doing so, I consciously intended to explore my self-sabotaging beliefs. I fervently searched my consciousness for the beliefs that were responsible for my career, family, and money issues.

Startled by what I discovered, I shared my findings with Tinus, and he was just as intrigued. Most of my destructive beliefs about career, success, family, and money were rooted in my strict religious upbringing. Other beliefs originated from those who hurt or abused me.

Some of my beliefs about career success were:

If I do not wake and rise early, success will elude me.

I have too much childhood trauma to reach my full potential.

I am not good enough, even my own father abandoned me.

I am not working hard enough to deserve success.

My stepfather always told me that I will fail. Therefore, I have a chronic fear of failure.

I made the wrong career choices because my parents were not educated people.

Some of my beliefs about family were:

I need to be wealthy enough to take care of my mom and brothers, it is what real men do.

As the eldest brother, it is my duty to provide for my mom, brothers, and elders.

I am a bad brother. I turned my back on my brothers.

It is difficult for my family to communicate with me because I do not listen.

I am hurting my family because I turned my back on God.

My family do not like the person I am turning into.

Some of my beliefs about money were:

I am not worthy of having money.

Not even my father made any effort to pay maintenance.

I am terrible at paying debts on time.

If I do not attend church regularly, I will not be blessed.

It is difficult for the rich to get into Heaven.

You cannot take material wealth to Heaven.

It is better to be rich in spirit than on earth.

We are worthy of nothing in comparison to Jesus.

Firstly, I now understood which beliefs I needed to change. Secondly, I ‘rewired’ myself to believe the opposite with positive affirmations, forgiving the past, and releasing resentment to rapidly change my beliefs. Last, but not least, and out of sheer desperation, I approached one of our priests to ‘speak words of power’ so that our circumstances could change.

In a week, my two brothers had jobs and Tinus received an amazing job offer. We relocated back to where I considered home to be. We recovered financially, slowly at first, but I got a job as a specialist lecturer and started a new holistic healing practice. To this day, I am flourishing in my career and financially. My family life is the most harmonious ever.

Journaling Exercise: Heal Your Hidden Patterns

You will find the first part of this exercise on pages 27-28 in You Can Heal Your Life. The mirror work exercise from the previous chapter in this book, in combination with the first part of this exercise, is taken directly from pages 27-28 in You Can Heal Your Life, and deeply transformed the way I experienced myself and my life many years ago.

Part 1: Uncover Your Hidden Patterns

1. In your dedicated journal, write down all the negative messages you received from your parents as a child/teenager/young adult. What was wrong with you? Think about what was often said about your relationships, career, success, money, body, sex, mental health, learning, religion, the environment, creative talents.

2. In your dedicated journal, write down all the negative messages you received from authority figures, your church, family, friends, teachers, psychologists, etc. Think about what was often said about your relationships, career, success, money, body, sex, mental health, learning, religion, the environment, creative talents.

3. Can you see where your negative beliefs about yourself and life come from?

4. Rewrite your negative messages as positive affirmations in the present tense.

Here are examples from my own life, I heard these messages often:

Relationships:

There are no good men or women left in the world.

I am open to a loving and supportive husband/wife.

Career:

Do not study to become a linguist. The market is over-saturated.

I give myself permission to excel in my chosen career. I now have many clients.

Success:

To be successful takes hard work.

I let go of my parents’ limitations. Being successful now is easy.

Money:

Money is the root of all evil. Only spiritual wealth matters.

I use my money for the highest good. I deserve material wealth.

Your Body:

You are too thin for a man. You are too fat for a woman.

No matter what my weight or size, I am perfect as I am.

Gender Identity/Sexuality:

You are a f@ggot. Act like a man.

My sexual orientation brings me joy. I now develop my masculine edge.

Do not masturbate. You will get hair on your palms or, go blind.

I give myself permission to experience my sexuality without fear.

Psychological:

Mental illness runs in the family. You cannot get away from it.

I am not my family’s psychological patterns. My mind is centered and healthy.

Learning:

You are not good at math. You cannot become a medical doctor.

My math skills improve and every day I and apply my learning.

Religion:

Only our religion is the way into Heaven.

I am free to choose my own spiritual beliefs.

The Environment:

We live in a dangerous world. Do not trust strangers.

I now feel safe; therefore, I only attract good experiences.

Creativity:

You are not good enough to write a book.

I am a unique person with a unique message. I have a unique purpose.

Part 2: Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the magic key that quickly heals and helps with releasing negative beliefs.

1. From which three authority figures did you receive the most negative messages?
2. Visualize them, one person, at a time. What do you dislike most about each person?
3. Repeat step two with the other two persons. Note your findings in your journal. T
4. These authority figures mirror what you dislike about yourself most.
5. What do you like most about these authority figures? Note down your findings.
6. These authority figures also mirror what you like most about yourself.
7. Repeat steps 1-6 with any other person of your choosing.

Can you see that we are all equal? Is it easier to forgive the transgressions now?

Our parents and authority figures learned their negative messages from their parents and authority figures. Our grandparents and their parents' authority figures passed down most of the same negative messages to our parents, and so on. The same negative messages were passed down to us through these generations. It is no one’s fault.

They did the best they could.

 Part Three: Giving it Back

1. Choose either your parents or three authority figures you want to give their limiting beliefs back to. These are the beliefs that no longer serve your highest good.

2. Visualize your parents or three authority figures standing in front of you with their cupped hands ready to receive those beliefs that are no longer yours to carry.

3. Verbally state: “To you, through you, I give these beliefs back to where and whom they belong.” Imagine placing the beliefs that are no longer yours to carry in their hands.  

You open to your identity when you uncover your negative beliefs, forgive the past, and give back that which was not yours to carry in the first place. You start choosing the beliefs and thoughts that support what you want for yourself. I had so many wrong ideas about myself and the way life works, but as I healed, my true identity emerged, and with that my life changed magically. I realized I am not my parents’ or authority figures’ beliefs, thoughts, or patterns. I discovered a new me. The real me.

What will happen if you forgive everyone and everything?

Who will you be when you have healed?

Who will you be without your story?

Does your story serve a purpose?

Are you terrified to live your life without your story?

Meditation Exercise: Meditation for Self-Discovery

Experience your true nature with the “Who am I?” meditation. This Yogic meditation from www.doyoga.com is adapted for the purpose of discovering who you are without trauma.

 Instructions:

1. Lie or sit down on your bed or chair.

2. Keep your eyes closed and ensure your spine straightened.

3. Take three deep breaths to center yourself.

4. Feel all stress and tension draining into the earth.

5. Place your right hand over your heart.

6. Continue to breathe in and out of your heart until you feel centered.

7. Ask yourself, “Who am I?”

8. Sit quietly and wait for the answers. Do not analyze the answers.

9. When answers come, go deeper by asking, “Who am I without negative beliefs?”

10. Sit quietly and wait for the answers. Go even deeper by asking, “Who am I without negative thoughts?”

11. Continue asking the questions repeatedly going deeper every time.

12. Ask, “Who am I really? Who am I without the abuse? Who am I without my trauma? Who am I without my pain? Who am I without my past? Who am I without my story?”