Mad River Reflections: Changing the World One Conversation at a Time

I spend most days paddling upstream. I wouldn’t live any other way.

Two projects consume much of my attention and energy. They require I muster all I can around my strengths: conviction, determination, and perseverance. Truth be known, my secret weapon is more about deep listening.

For the last 15 years as LifeYield’s chief growth officer, I’ve advocated for an industry-wide shift from selling individual products of the moment to embracing comprehensive wealth management. Evaluating and managing a person’s assets in toto increases the likelihood of clients experiencing peace of mind in retirement.

I’m also a passionate volunteer and the Hale Education board president. We serve more than 10,000 kids and families yearly in camps and school programs on a 1,200-acre natural wonderland 10 miles from the Boston city line. We’re approaching the end this summer of a $46 million campaign so we can permanently protect the largest tract of undeveloped land in Eastern Massachusetts.

The fundamental importance of listening and understanding

For both projects, I spend most days trying to provide a perspective to buyers and donors that changes how they think and act so we create a better place to work, play and live. As I engage with many and feel each bump, bruise, push, shove, and kick in the pants, I relearn the fundamental importance of understanding what matters to them so we find a path forward to make a difference for the communities we are so committed to.

In both my work and volunteer roles, I know that for people to hand over a seven-figure check, I must understand what’s important to them. To do that, I spend much time and many conversations listening ?– profoundly listening. I distilled what I’ve learned about listening into a book, Authentic and Ethical Persuasion, used as a text at Babson College, where I am a guest lecturer to undergrads and MBA students in sales and leadership courses.

Recently, I read the new book by New York Times columnist David Brooks, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Seen. It aligns with what I have talked about with financial professionals and students for four decades.

“This is a practical, heartfelt guide to the art of truly knowing another person in order to foster deeper connections at home, at work, and throughout our lives,” Brooks writes. “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen – to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood. And yet, we humans don't do this well. All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood.

Understanding what matters most

Let me share an experience that illustrates how being seen radically affects relationships with people.

I had breakfast recently with a generous Hale donor. The first half hour, I listened to him lay out things our organization hadn’t done well and had frustrated him. Many of those happened before my tenure. I listened, asked questions, and focused on understanding his issues and, more importantly, his commitment.

I wanted to understand what mattered to him most and wasn’t being fulfilled. It was abundantly clear he wanted us to succeed. But it seemed to him we weren’t listening and were not on the path to success.

I listened intently. I heard him; I got him. I responded briefly. I acknowledged where we should have done a better job. I provided a list of changes we had made – changes based on his recommendations.

It was evident in what I said that I respected, valued, and understood him. And because he felt heard, seen, and understood, he could hear me. Frankly, he had been told most of what I said by others before our meeting. He just couldn’t hear it.

A significant donation followed

I arrived at the restaurant focused only on making sure he felt heard. And once he did, he was moved to offer what we needed – a $2.5 million challenge donation – without my asking. ?

Conviction, determination, and perseverance are essential but are only a cover for the cornerstone importance of listening deeply. Each time I do, those who know I have heard them are freed to respond in a way that follows their convictions.

I encourage you to try this: The next time you prepare for a meeting where you seek to persuade someone to your cause or product, start by listening. Tuck your talking points away, ask questions and pay close attention.

Show yourself to be someone who listens first. And please let me know how it went.