The Mad that I Feel

I've learned that dealing with anger is a crucial part of my self-management. I've been working lately to understand my anger better, re-evaluate it, and determine how it is and isn't serving me. Spoiler alert, it's messy and complicated.

When I was a Child

When I was a child, I didn't think deeply about things like this. When I got angry I probably lashed out. I probably hit, yelled, and spit a little. As I got a bit older, I discovered that my anger usually brought about results that I didn't enjoy...like discipline. My parents thoughtfully and carefully disciplined me. They taught me (I think) that my anger, even if justified, was no excuse to hurt others. I probably figured that I needed to show my anger quietly and more strategically. That's code for passive aggression for those of you playing along at home ;). Regardless, the seed was planted -- "...the anger of men does not produce the righteousness of God."

When I was in College

When I was in college, I developed a feeling that my anger was a reaction to brokenness in the world. I was right to be angry and my anger could be the motivation I needed to take meaningful action. I saw accumulation of knowledge and argument as a way of ensuring I could respond to the "wrongness" around me with clear-eyed and informed fervor. After all, if no one confronts the bad stuff or the bad people, they win right? The trouble is, it's not so easy to know who the bad people are or what will happen if they "win."

When I Started Working

When I started working, that feeling of righteous indignation would come up from time to time. Usually, it was when I saw myself or a co-worker mistreated. Each time something "unjust" happened, and there were many moments, I retreated to the safety of my anger. I felt securely justified in knowing that I was being abused and that those responsible were the "bad people" doing the "bad things." This may sound strange, but the only thing more miserable than enduring that brokenness was thinking that...I was more a part of the brokenness than I realized.

Recently

In the last few years and particularly recently, I can feel something changing in me about anger. I am becoming more skeptical of my anger. I'm starting to believe my anger can be more easily self-centered than I previously realized. It's not the reliable justification I once relied on.

Though I believe anger is not something that I or any other human can prevent, I no longer feel I should give it the same place in my thinking or actions.

Crying Uncle

I know my self-centered anger can easily camouflage itself as righteous indignation. When it does, it tends to produce bad things. Can I be a useful servant leader if my attitudes and actions are motivated by anger, righteous or otherwise? Ok, so I'm crying uncle. What do I do?

What then should I do when I get angry? Well, friend Fred Rogers had something to say about that.

How it is...for Me

I think anger is a correct reaction to sin and its effects. I believe we are designed to react to things like cruelty, gossip and slander, bigotry and partiality, indifference to the plight of the poor or of the widow, and many other broken things with a powerful feeling of "this ain't right." For me the process goes like this:

• I experience something broken
• Without thought and completely outside my control, a heat and tense feeling emerges in the center of my chest.
• My mind races to make sense of things -- what just happened? who is involved? how bad is it? what caused it?

When it Goes Wrong

At this point, I typically feel my thoughts running away without me. I am by default passive to the passion of the moment. If I'm conscious of what's happening, this is where things can go right or go wrong. Here's what happens when it goes wrong:

• I am tempted to quickly find and judge the author of the brokenness, whether or not one is objectively available.
• I might employ various tactics to protect and sooth myself

If the matter persists past a sleep or two, the wicked spiral continues:

• I ruminate on the offense and may form plans to oppose those who have offended me, most often through stubbornness
• I feel a heightened sense of anxiousness as I carry out whatever action or inaction I have decided is justified
• After acting or remaining unmoved, I generally have the nagging feeling of "was I right to do that?"
• I feel a conviction that I have acted out of selfish anger. I have added to the brokenness. Crap.

When it goes Well

The start of things is the same.

• I experience something broken
• Without thought and completely outside my control, a heat and tense feeling emerges in the center of my chest.
• My mind races to make sense of things -- what just happened? who is involved? how bad is it? what caused it?

This time, for whatever reason, something different can happen:

• I talk to God about the broken thing
• I describe how bad it is and how angry I am that it happened
• I describe to Him the punishment I believe is due to the person or people who have caused the pain
• I'm humbled when I remember that only God judges perfectly and acts righteously in light of His anger
• I reaffirm my belief that all sin will eventually be judged and all wrongness will be put right.
• I acknowledge that it's infinitely better for God to judge others
• I feel relief from my anger and the safety I need to forgive the offense.

Now What?

For those of you saying, "But, what about the offense? Aren't you going to take any action?!" The answer is probably and frustratingly, "it depends." Remember, I believe anger is a right response to sin and brokenness. There may indeed be a right action to take.

My next growth struggle seems to be this: how can I make the space for myself to process inevitable anger quickly and positively so that I act appropriately more often. I hope you'll forgive the following user story format:

As a servant leader

I want to process my anger effectively

So that I can serve others in a loving and productive way, even after I get really pissed off

I will be satisfied when:

• I can interrupt my angry thoughts before I succumb to fear and wrath,
• I can give over the desire to punish the offender(s),
• I can forgive the offense be it real or imagined
• In my action, I act justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly before God

Is this a story or an epic? Oh, it's most definitely an epic, and it will likely take an untold number of Sprints before it is "Done." Wish me luck!

What will you do with the mad that you feel?