Macallan 18 and Love

What An 18 Year Old Scotch Can Teach Us About Relationships

Point 1 — Everything isn’t about marriage, and everyone isn’t trying to get married now, or ever in some cases. We have this automatic filter that we’ve all grown up with that marriage SHOULD be the end game, so if it’s not, there’s this “what’s wrong with them…” or “they’re immature, they’re just playing in the streets…” narrative that goes along with that choice. That assumption may be flawed.

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Now for those who definitely DO want to have a meaningful relationship, which may include getting married, and are seeking it right now and frustrated with their results, here are my thoughts.

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The Macallan 18 Year Old Single Malt Scotch

Distiller: Macallan Distillery

Region: Scotch

Category: Speyside

Approximate Price: $225

Top shelf. Consistent, every time. You know what to expect. Aged and seasoned in that same cask for 18 years developing that flavor.

What on earth does an 18 year old scotch have to do with love?

Before I answer that question, I want to talk about time.

Many of us have completed 12 years of general education, through high school, and another 4 years minimum of college, with some form of specialization in graduating with a certain major. For me, it was engineering (and it took 6.5 years instead of the five I’d planned for…but that’s another story for another time). Some of you reading this have probably even gotten Master’s degrees, or J.D.’s, so tack on another 2 years. Let’s not even bring up the P.H.D’s.

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Do you approach your own personal development and mindset development with the same deliberateness you bring to your career pursuits?

We whole heartedly accept that to have the careers we want, and to make the money we want to make, that it will take, in many cases, 18+ years of general and specialized study, MINIMUM, to even GET IN THE DOOR, at the STARTING place in our career. In addition to the time, the monetary investment associated with this, many times, is easily $50K-$100K+.

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After graduation, there’s a ton of on the job experience needed, and formal continuing education if you’re serious, to achieve your career ambitions. We accept that.

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How many of us study and learn more advanced communication skills, or enroll in courses to learn HOW to effectively love and be loved, or learn HOW to identify where our baggage is and how to put it to rest, etc? How many of us have spent even $5K in our lifetime on specific courses or trainings with the express intent of learning how to attract, cultivate and maintain a satisfying love relationship?

Prayer and bible study ALONE didn’t get you your degree, and they probably won’t get you the relationship of your dreams either.

Church every Sunday, along with bible class didn’t get you the specialized knowledge that is at the foundation of your career, years of specialized study with people who knew how to SUCCESSFULLY teach you the craft did. Let me throw another nugget for consideration in here for those who feel like they’ve been “doing the work” for many years on themselves, and the problem lies with the men or women out in the world who they’re dating.

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So what, you practice. 1000 free throws shot with poor mechanics gets you really good at shooting free throws poorly.

If you go into the gym on your own every day, and you shoot 1000 free throws a day in the gym, every day for a year, you’ve done a lot of practice. However, if you’ve done all of that work on your own, with no coaching, or with improper coaching, you may have just spent a year getting really good at shooting poor free throws with poor mechanics. It FEELS like you worked really hard, but to what end?

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When you chose your college, did you do it haphazardly, or did you study rankings, majors, certain professors, hiring percentages of grads from that school in your major after college, etc, before selecting your university? Have you ever brought that level of deliberate thinking, or that level of investment of time to your desire to be in a satisfying love relationship?

People want a Macallan 18 caliber relationship...

So why are so many people unsuccessful in their pursuits of meaningful, satisfying relationships? Because frankly they are out in the world thinking that because they’ve got a great career, or are really attractive, or make a ton of money, or are in good shape, or come from a “good” family, that this will get them a Macallan 18 relationship.

but in reality, they’re more equivalent to Wild Turkey 101 in the relationship category.

But they don’t realize that, so they’re trying to order the Macallan 18 relationship, and frustrated that they aren’t getting it, because they feel they “deserve” it.

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Ahhh yes, now let's talk scotch and love. Macallan 18 is a high quality spirit. Sure, there are plenty of other choices out there, but for a scotch aficionado, Macallan 18 is a really nice glass of goodness to come home and relax to at the end of a hard day, to celebrate a monumental day, or honestly for no good reason at all. I'm equating that quality to what most of us want, a really soft and welcoming place to land as it relates to the person and the relationship that we come home to every day.

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So what does an ACTUAL Macallan 18 caliber relationship look like? What qualities does a person bring to the table who is more prone to have this type of relationship in their life? People who have Macallan 18 caliber relationships generally come with some distinctions that are unique, due to their "seasoning."

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Their frame of reference for living is personal responsibility.

— They understand that their partner is not responsible for their happiness, nor are they responsible for the happiness of their partner. They CONTRIBUTE to each other's happiness, but ultimately, happiness is a choice...a phenomenon that happens from the inside out.

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They are not wild animals. 

— They have learned how to stop the action, think, then respond vs being an automatic reaction. They HAVE feelings, but they are not their feelings.

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They are emotionally mature.

— They don’t collapse something their partner says/doesn’t say or does/doesn’t do that they feel disappointed by, with choosing to ascribe other meaning to it, such as feeling like their partner doesn’t “love” them as a result. They understand that people can love someone, AND still do something that their partner is hurt by as a result.

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They have LEARNED how to trust.

— They move inside of trust, and they have learned how to take their significant other at their word, until or unless they demonstrate that they cannot be trusted, no matter what their partners in previous relationships may or may not have done to damage the trust in those relationship. If they can no longer trust their current partner, they move on, because they understand that trust is the cornerstone of a relationship.

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They give their partner their crystal ball.

— They know what their deal breakers are, and they tell their partner. They have spent the time getting to know themselves enough to be able to communicate the things that do and don’t work for them, with regard to their partner’s actions and words. They are not angry at their partner if they are unwilling or unable to meet their needs…they simply move on with no malice.

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They have learned how to communicate and manage their anger in responsible ways.

— They can be angry or disappointed with their partner, and communicate why they are angry, as well as what request they have for their partner now, or in the future, to rectify the situation. They also are mindful enough to know when they are not in a position to communicate in a responsible way, and they pause the conversation and/or remove themselves from the situation, until they can communicate responsibly.

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They are solution oriented in communication.

— They communicate to isolate and deal with the problems that arise in their relationship, and create solutions, together, vs simply expressing anger, disappointment, and complaints, with no requests, and no resolutions.

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No global issues.

— They bring issues up when they happen, and deal with them singularly, as opposed to letting problems they have with their partner fester, and bringing them up as global narratives like “you always ______.” or “you never ______.”

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Knowing distinctions like these conceptually is one thing, but being able to bring these to a relationship comes from deliberate practice in the areas of communication, personal responsibility and developing satisfying relationships with others, intimate and otherwise.

The way life occurs is inseparable from language…

If you simply ask questions, and listen carefully, people are sharing with you their entire frame of reference for how they think, listen, interpret, and react (or respond), in different situations, all the time.

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So what happens when a person who wants to have a Macallan 18 caliber relationship is only bringing Wild Turkey 101 relationship distinctions to the table? A lot of disappointment. Most people don’t know what they don’t know about why their relationships aren’t working, so they don’t even realize that they have not done the work on themselves to be a match, and be equally yoked for the person, and the relationship, that they desire. “I’m a good person…” “I have a great career…” “I would make a great partner for someone…” Sound familiar? None of this has anything to do with knowing how to attract, cultivate and maintain a satisfying love relationship.

Even if you don’t make a deliberate choice, you ARE choosing…

If you’re looking for love, and you’ve got Wild Turkey love to offer, and your desired mate’s palate for love calls for an 18 year old scotch, someone is going to get their feelings hurt, and it’s probably the Wild Turkey. Why? Because though their palate might call for Macallan 18, hell…perhaps they’re in the bar, and open to having a little fun. Though the Wild Turkey isn’t aged and seasoned particularly to their liking…they might be willing to slum it with some Wild Turkey for awhile, though they will never even consider for a moment doing that long term.

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Lower your expectations, and find someone who wants what you have to offer, or do the work to be a match for the partner and relationship you desire to attract, if you realize that you currently aren’t there. Both are choices that are fine to make, but be clear that even if you don’t make a deliberate choice, you ARE making a choice to continue getting whatever you’ve been getting. Cheers.

Thomas started his entrepreneurial career selling luxury custom car accessories online from New York to California out of his dorm room at Tennessee State University, and never looked back. Over 15 years later, beard grayed from the trials of entrepreneurship, Thomas is an author, an emerging tech startup founder, a speaker, a Google Entrepreneur in Residence, and the creator of a global membership organization for Black and Latinx founders of emerging tech startups, with members in 40+ states and 5 countries, who have raised + generated over $415MM in their startups. Learn more about Thomas’ current projects at ThomasKRStovall.com.