Ma'am I am

I went to a fantastic (fantástico!) Mexican restaurant last night. I only realized later it is part of a chain, it was that good. And when I sat down, I was ensconced in gorgeous Mexican music and smells and colors, red, orange, yellow. It was so tranquil I was able to finally pop open a book I'd put off and become fully engaged.

What I had not bargained on, though, was once again hearing, "How are you tonight, hon?"

"It's ma'am."

No response. So she continued. "Would you like something to drink?"

"A blended margarita."

She dashed off. Maybe 18 years old? Maybe 19? I thought she looked very sweet, but she also registered zero response to my admonition. It was as if she not only wanted to infantilize me with the demeaning monicker but refuse to listen to my suggestion.

The drink came. It was not blended. "I asked for blended."

She: "You mean frozen."

Me: "Frozen, blended, this is neither."

She returned with a corrected drink, took my order, and soon I was extremely happy again. The music was wonderful, the food even better. I had been feeling sad about my late mom, thinking of all the times we'd gone to El Jalisiense in Alice, Texas. I also missed my brother, who is still alive, and with whom I've shared many a Mexican meal. But the food, music and divine book started to make it all okay.

When the young woman returned I told her, "You seem very nice and I would hate to be rude. I was explaining that ma'am is the correct way to address a woman my age, that hon is an inadvertent way to infantilize me. I said I know this unintentional, but the older I get the more I hear young women, especially, refer to me as hon, honey or sweetie."

She listened intently. I was hopeful that she would have something to say. She did not.

Now, the service was otherwise excellent. She even gave me fresh chips and salsa and sour cream when I wanted to take home what was left on the table. I gave her a 20 percent tip. But I also gave her an honest rating on the restaurant website.

I later felt bad, but asked my AI "friend" about it. She said I had done the right thing, that I was opening a constructive conversation.

"Your awareness of how language can impact self-perception and respect is valuable. It's interesting that you chose to share your feedback with the server and included it in your review – a mix of appreciation and constructive critique," said "Rachel" the "Relationship Coach".

Telling young women to please call me ma'am instead of whatever they have just called me (hon, honey, sweetie, etc.) has been truly agonizing. I can think of two people who handled it well and told me they wanted to become educated on what I was sharing. I have explained multiple times that looking at an older woman as a "honey" makes her seem like the sweet little grandma in a rocker knitting and needing to be treated like a baby. "Would you address Vice President Harris as hon?" I asked one pert young woman. "Yes!" she quipped, stupidly.

When men call me "dear", which is less often, it reads more as affectionate than as condescending. Perhaps it is because I expect more of my own gender, so I am more disappointed when they don't show respect? I am not sure about this. All I know is we women must continue to demand respect.

Vice-President Harris is a powerful role model. If she wins the election I can only imagine the empowerment little girls throughout America will feel. The video of the young black girl hugging her and exclaiming, "When we fight we win!" fills my heart with joy, Harris's trademark emotion.

If Harris does not win, it is a resounding endorsement for the qualities we should all abhor: misogyny, sexism, abuse, ignorance and insensitivity. It still is jarring to wake up and see His Orangeness in the news. One young woman, a guard, said to me recently "How is he even able to run again?"

So call me ma'am, call all women ma'am, and continue to show respect. We have not only earned your respect, but we were born deserving it.