Lyrically Speaking: The Love You Take Is Equal to the Love You Make

It is hard to believe that it was only one year ago this weekend that a gunman made his way into the Tree of Life Synagogue - the synagogue in which I grew up, in which my brother and both I became a Bar Mitzvah and where my parents are still members – and tragically took the lives of 11 innocent congregants. In many ways it feels like it just happened yesterday. Barely a day goes by that I don’t think about those who perished simply because they chose to attend religious services that morning. This was not the first time, and sadly it wasn’t the last time something like this happened to Jews who openly practice their religion. Yet, it has been hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that these 11 souls, 4 of whom I knew, were killed just because they were Jewish.  

In other ways, it feels like an eternity since the events of October 27, 2018. So much has happened in the World. Some Good…some not Good at all. But out of this tragedy I have discovered that the World is full of Grace and that most people recognize Evil when they see it. In the days and weeks just after the shooting, so many people reached out to connect with me. Old friends, former colleagues, new business relationships and, not surprisingly, so many of the wonderful folks in the Cowen family. It is hard to express how meaningful and therapeutic those engagements were. In many ways they not only made me feel less alone in my sadness, but they helped me to better explain to people who are not Jewish what it means to be an “other.” Incredibly, I now better comprehend much better that almost all of us are actually members of communities in which we are made to feel like “others” from time to time. It’s not that I didn’t know that intellectually, but experiencing people internalize my grief and express to me moments from their own lives has made me feel part of a greater community beyond just my Jewish identity.

And therein lies the ultimate message I have learned this past year. All of us have much more in common than not.  It simply takes a meaningful amount of effort to unearth that truth. This is not to say that everyone has suffered in the same way or that some haven’t suffered more than others. Rather, each of us has been the victim of “otherhood” at some point in our lives. Sometimes as individuals, sometimes as minority groups, and sometimes as smaller groups within a greater whole. But no one can say that they never once felt like an “other.” That has led me to ask the question: If each of us really has the capacity to understand victimhood, then is it possible to create a society in which we can relate to one another on a more empathic level by internalizing those experiences and putting them into terms that each of us can understand and relate to personally?

For me, that starts with listening better. I have found that the more I listen, the more I am able to comprehend what is really happening in the conversations I am having – as opposed to what people want me to see and hear. I am genuinely interested in understanding the thoughts and feelings of the people with whom I engage. The result is that many of those discussions are far more meaningful than they used to be, professionally and personally, because active listening provides me with both context and content.

In the wake of the outpouring of emotional support I received after the shooting, I made a concerted effort to improve my positive engagements – both as a way to honor the memory of those who died and as way to pay forward the unbelievable sympathy I received. I have also worked harder than ever to be the most unapologetic and authentic version of myself. Perhaps that’s why I feel comfortable writing this to all of you.

 Here are some specific things I try to do every day:

• I work hard to remove the 4-letter “H Word” from my vocabulary. This isn’t to say that I don’t have disagreements with other people, but those disagreements become more principled when I don’t throw that word around. I’m not perfect, but I must say I feel a lot better about myself when I don’t use it.
• I consciously try to make 2 or 3 people smile every day. I know that may not sound like a lot and I was probably doing it anyway, but I am more deliberate about trying to make people smile.  Some days I go out of my way to find someone I think might be difficult to make smile. There is a tremendous psychic joy that comes over me when I see them take a moment to crack a grin. There is also joy in hearing someone thank me for doing something as simple as holding a door open for them.
• Some of you may remember that a few years ago I tried to consciously do One Good Deed a Day. I have kept true to that task and now when I do it, I mentally link those acts to the friends at Tree of Life who we lost. Because they were all such good people, it’s my own personal way of staying connected to their lives. And I am grateful to know I am perpetuating their own good nature in my daily routine.
• It sounds funny to say this, but I am more open about my Judaism. Not that I ever denied it, but it’s not like I really ever talked about it specifically. It’s also not like I talk about it all the time. Given my position and my connection to Tree of Life, however, a lot people with whom I come in contact know that I am Jewish. So, it is right there for anyone who wants to talk about it. And people do! This has fostered more dialogues about the religious beliefs of others than I have ever had, which in turn has actually helped me understand that most religions have way more in common than not. It has also given me hope that open-minded practitioners of faiths other than my own as well as open-minded people who choose not to follow a religion can actually find commonality if they want to do so, even as we respect our differences. 

It’s not that I am some sort of saint nor do think I am on the path to becoming one (Jews actually don’t have saints), but I find that the more I work on being a better person, the happier I am and the more energy I have to tackle difficult challenges, particularly at work.

With all that said, I thought I would be a little further along in my healing at this point. In the weeks leading up to this one-year anniversary, I have spent more time contemplating how something like this could have happened in the synagogue and in the community that launched me. Some days I can barely say the words “Tree of Life” without tearing up. And there are other days when I am energized and emboldened to truly make a positive difference in ways big and small. Many of you probably know this, but that is how it goes with grief.

One of my favorite albums ever released is Abbey Road by the Beatles. I can’t remember how many times I have listened (and sang) the final words of “The End,” which is the final song they ever recorded together. Over the past year, out of that dark moment, I have found new meaning in these words, and they have lifted my spirits:

"And in the End, The Love You Take Is Equal to The Love You Make."

Let’s do more Good.

I took this photo this week, in Israel, at the Memorial in the Jewish National Forest.