The Luxury of Being Present

Life gets pretty intense when you’re balancing a career with raising children or caring for an elderly parent. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, rushed and impatient, especially when life circumstances change.

It was just a few short years ago that I became a part-time caretaker for my mother who was losing her sight, falling constantly, and quickly aging before my eyes. As the needs increased, so did my responsibilities. When she lost her sight and could no longer drive, I decided to give her Wednesdays and Sundays to help her manage.

I was the one who managed medicines, doctor’s visits, grocery shopping, trips to family birthday parties. It was if I was living two lives. I didn’t have a lot of time to “sit around.” ?

My mom often complained about my “lack of presence,” which was difficult criticism to accept. She wanted more from me, and I felt unappreciated. My emotions ranged from guilt, anger, resentment, and sadness.

What I know now that I wished I knew then: When you feel rushed or overwhelmed it is extremely difficult to be present. Being present means slowing down, savoring the moments, letting go of attachments the outcomes. This is difficult when your resources are low and your to-do list is high.

I remember Dr. Andrew Huberman, an American neuroscientist saying that when you’re impatient it’s like you have an internal metronome in your head that’s clicking away very fast, but your outside world is moving at half the pace. That’s how I felt all the time.

Yet I also know that there’s a paradox of being present. When you’re able to be present, time slows down and you get into flow instead of frustration.

How do you get the internal metronome and the external one to align?

Much the same way you do when you're stressed at work, by recognizing that you’re just one person, and by telling yourself the truth: You need help. You also have to be willing to upset someone to get what you need, and that’s why so many of us, especially women keep our problems to ourselves. We already know the criticism we’re likely to receive, so we keep trudging along.

When I decided to get some housekeeping help for my mom, it wasn’t easy to convince her. She wanted me to do everything and she said so. Living alone, Mom didn’t want a “stranger” in her house. I had to have a very difficult conversation. I told her that if she wanted more of my presence, she had to allow me to be freed up from all the tasks so that I’m not constantly cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and doing household chores.?With a helper to share these duties, we could go to lunch, go see her friends, or go shopping. I also explained that I was starting to feel resentment and I wanted something different for our relationship. Thank goodness I was able to speak from the heart.

Once she was convinced, it was unbelievable how this one decision freed up my thinking and my ability to be present. I was no longer overwhelmed with living a double life. I was able to take my time and focus on what was in front of me. We had a lot of fun in the last few years before she passed. I had a lot of internal growth the last six years. My biggest surprise was when someone would say, “you’re so patient!”

What you need to know

Your best decision often starts out as emotional or mental stress. The sooner you notice it the faster you can resolve the conflict. Instead of trying to do more or be more, ask yourself who can help you and who do you need to have a conversation with? This is the process that will set you free. If you don’t notice the warning signs, exhaustion, stress, resentment, people-pleasing, you will stay stuck, thinking someone else has to change. Once you realize it’s up to you, the next step is going to be a difficult conversation with someone you’ve been trying to appease. This is the most difficult part, because you will be stuck in what I call “resisting their resistance.”

I now have a “mantra” when I’m caught in trying to convince others to agree with a decision that is entirely mine, and it’s this:

Someone is going to be angry, but it doesn’t have to be me.”

This mantra may make you feel like you’re cold and uncaring. The opposite is true. You care for yourself so you can give to others. But you will have to learn how to set and enforce boundaries! The reasons boundaries don’t work is because you care more about their agreement than you do for your own well-being. The reason you needed a boundary in the first place is because in some way they were taking advantage. So, someone is going to be mad. If it’s been you for too long, that means you need to learn how to set boundaries.

How these ideas can work for you

1.??????? Write down areas where you feel impatient or you struggle.

2.??????? What tasks could you delegate?

3.??????? Where could you cut back on obligations?

4.??????? Whose support do you need to commit to a new decision?

This is a time to make some difficult decisions and have some difficult conversations. For example, you may have to pay someone to clean your house, pick up the dry cleaning or cook your meals.?You might have to decide to put your kids in one sport instead of three. You’ll have to disappoint someone who is used to you carrying the burden. Here’s what to know:?As long as you suffer in silence, others are willing for you to carry the burden.

You may have to face your money fears. Many of us struggle to pay for something we can do ourselves. It seems lavish, or a waste of money. That mindset has to go! Your health and well-being is worth more than the investment.

The real question is this: What are you willing to do to create a life where you have the luxury of being truly present?

Marlene Chism is a consultant, speaker, and the author of?? From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading (Berrett-Koehler 2022). She is a recognized expert on the LinkedIn Global Learning platform. Connect with Chism via?LinkedIn,?or at MarleneChism.com

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