The luxury of being Clueless

My father was 17 when he lost his father. Fresh out of the comfort space of a boarding school, my father looked up to his own as the most influential person in his life. Just when he thought he would spend time with him, he was gone.

Was he clueless? He couldn’t afford to be that.

As the third amongst siblings, my aunt stepped in to remind my father, “You have to make it on your own.” He went on to enrol in St Xavier’s College, Calcutta University and decided to pursue CA. A couple of his friends did too. Back in the late 60’s you wouldn’t many such bravehearts. And of course you needed to have a strong heart and mind to pursue one of the toughest courses. You must remember that you were pulled by the wildness of the 70’s between politics, sports and youth.

My father had no choice. In between growing up in his youth, he studied and cracked CA in the first attempt. The rest is another story.

My father and I are 30 years apart in our stories. When I came to Delhi to study he said, “Do everything that I couldn’t do. Enjoy college for me.” And I did as much as I could. Our journeys from a small town - big city were similar. We found our own community. But the world had grown 30 years too. I encountered newer things that my father hadn’t experienced. And that made me clueless. The burden of information, knowledge, experience, connections, exposure and community. Some of my Delhi-bred peers were more aware about the world than I ever was.

How could I get a head-start in Delhi?

I didn’t have a family business to fall back on? I could’t find a job in Jamshedpur.

I needed a career. And perhaps a life in the big city. I am and was (even then) acutely aware of the immense privilege of being clueless. My father was there to support me. I knew he wouldn’t complain if I went back home after college.

Of course, I didn’t go back. I did a Masters, took the first job that I got. Worked & grilled it out to be on top of my game. Got demoted when I joined post my maternity break. Left my career in a fit of fury.

I spent another round of cluelessness and extreme self-loathing. And rebound to find purpose as a Storyteller & Entrepreneur…all of this is another story!

Between my first bout of clueless to my next, I was married and had a kid to raise. I had my father behind me and then my husband, my roots and my trunks…the two men who have given me the luxury of being clueless at two different stages of my life.

Being clueless is a luxury, a privilege.

It is NOT for everyone.

You can afford to be clueless IF you have someone behind your back.

You can afford to be clueless IF you have money in your bank.

You can afford to be clueless IF you have a network to fall upon.

You can afford to be clueless IF you are working towards FINDING the clues to your life.

It's no longer about growing up being clueless.

If we are growing every day of our lives, we can be clueless at any stage.

And it’s okay to be clueless if you are responsible towards it.

In 6 years time, my son will reach where I and my father were 30 and 60 years back. I reckon he will have his “I am clueless story” at some point of time. Today we have the tools, the technology, the platforms, network AND resources to help him find the clues to his future. And trust me having too much can be a burden too!

Will he have the luxury of clueless? He is more privileged than any of us have been in the past 60 years. But if there is ONE thing that we have learnt, is that he too will figure out his story. So we don't ask him, "What will you be when you grow up?" We encourage him to find the clue to this mystery by doing everything that his heart desires.

Maybe some day, he will grow up and add his story to the one I shared right now…

****

This is a response to Shatakshi Sharma's post on "It's okay to be Clueless".

A post triggers a story, a series of them and it helps me put my stories on a timeline. Our stories shape our personalities, our choices and its decisions.

Do you agree? Share your story with me...